i rlly miss the old times, ive been feeling so pressured lately.. mainly bcs of college, ugh i know its not nice to say this but i rlly wanna quit.. im so tired of everything 

Stress

Life is unfair.
 I'm not straight and that makes my life horrible. I was raise in a family where no appreciation and acceptance is being imposed. I thought it is easy to rely to your older sibling especially I have a big family. I've never told to my parents that I was bullied during my childhood. They don't know I suffered a lot emotionally and physically. My classmates sometimes they punch me and always kept my things where I couldn't find it. Everyday is a disaster for me. I never told this to my parents because my father is not good as your father. So since I am gay. My father always wishes me to be gone.  He always said I'm a disgrace to our family. Even I havent wrong doings he always smock me. These emotional problems turns to hatred. I went to school without his help because he doesn't want me to go to school because he knew that I will never graduate. Until my high-school days., I still receive criticism because I am a gay.  I don't speak up to anyone until I am comfortable to be alone always. Being a loner is not easy I feel heavy in my heart. My problems are burden to me until now. 😥😥.......... Huhuhu😭😭😭  actually I graduated last year but then I feel I'm still useless. I can't find work here in province because of what they called backer. It is really hard to find a job es2 this pandemic. 

We cannot decide where we come from but we could decide where we go from here right? Felt like killing myself today. But what if that wont work n will be stuck on this stupid earth with some brain damge or something. 
I have the right to decide what I should wear . 

Today when I was going through the tops section on an online website, my mom was staring at my phone and leaves a comment “ its time that u stop wearing short dresses”. The other day she commented about those deep back dresses and says “you should be reserved in the profession You are in” . 

She says she doesn’t like me being moody.  

I get so scared to even be around her these days. She makes me feel like i am not enough ,like i am not the type of daughter she wanted . And possibly loves my brother more than me . 

I tried telling her it hurts . That I might make mistakes and learn from it . 
She doesn’t like me at all. In case I talk back she says I will learn once I get a harsh  mother in law. What kind of mother wants her daughter to suffer like that . 

Im starting to feel soo numb . My brother doesn’t like me . Dad hardly spends time with us cause he has an open affair going on. 

Its just not getting better . 

Suicidal Ideation

My ex for the past month has been trying to find a new gf. He found a girl and seems very happy w her. Although i should not be upset i still get kinda sad and jealous because i feel as if im stuck and behind since it’s not my type to get into a new relationship with someone who im not in love with. He’s gained much confidence and made many new friends (which are my friends) and im a bit heartbroken. Any advice:)

Breakup

It feels good for a moment and then again a rapid fire!!! 

Growing Up

Ever since this year even before ever since 2019 November. I have been feeling so fucking low. I have lost myself due to drama and every hard station I'm passing through my life. I just want to archive my goals that I have been wanting to do ever since I don't know when. I want to be a successful rich woman who helps people and lose weight, make my loved ones happy. Most importantly myself. I have been going through hell. Drama, pain, love and all that kind of shit. Yes, I've been happy somehow in my life but due to someone else for an example, a boy made me happy or having lots of friends and being 'popular'. But I just feel like I have never done something to or ever been happy for me or have been happy by myself. Always attached to something. It's so fucking sick. Ever since this year started, which keep in mind, it was a hell of a start, I was dating this guy for 2 months and then after him, I meet this boy that I loved and still love ever since February until now. He broke my heart twice... Even though he promised he will never break my heart he did. We used to talk every hour, every day and every second. We were each other's first priority. He said that he loved me and cared for me yet he just loved me. We were friends and he didn't love me the way I loved him but I can really tell you his actions were more than just friends. He called me when he woke up, was going out, on his way home from going out, when he was playing PS4 he begged me to join and play w him and his friends, he introduced me to his family, he talked to me before he went to bed, he told me everything he was thinking about. I was in his life, I knew everything, I loved him for making me happy when I was really down. I loved him for showing that kind of attention that became a routine in my life... Man writing this just waow, it's been 4 months ever since he left me again... I just waow miss him so much. I love him and I still care for him. I love him so much. He was the one who made me realize what love is. He's also the boy who broke me that made me feel lost and made sick and made me end up in the hospital because I loved him so much and losing him really was killing me inside and I got gastric catarrh (bc stress) and still have it. 

I just want, tough, forget him. I have lost so many friends during these four months. Mostly I have lost myself. I don't eat but I do eat a lot, every day is different, I sleep a lot, I don't have the motivation to move or do anything. I just feel like I don't want to do anything at all. I want to succeed. Get amazing grades. Get my driving license which I have failed to get twice now. I just I don't know what I love anymore, what to do, who I am, what I want, how to do anything, how to feel something. I live my days and it feels like I'm dreaming. I feel like I'm so unfocused. I don't get what the fuck is going on in life. I have tried to manage my fucking self for so long and yet I still seek for help because I really don't want to give up myself but it's so hard to keep the concentration and the discipline in life. I have no discipline and when I do set up one for me, IT GOES TO HELL. Like FUCK bro, I'm the happiest and this amazing girl ever that has been going through hell and yet made it out. I know I will make it out of this feeling/period that I'm going through. But it feels like I never will. 

I'm just upset that I have lost myself. Lost my confidence. Lost my trust in people and myself. Lost happiness. Lost motivation, bro I was this motivated girl and always kept on going now I'm just tired. Lost feeling something. Lost hope in life. Lost something inside me. Just sad that I have lost myself. I would do anything to stop the heavy feeling in my chest and in my heart to go away. Really I'm trying to concentrate on me, but I keep losing myself. I know it takes time but I don't have time anymore, I'm getting behind in life and I need to fix this asap. 

My plan is to wake up early - 5 am. Eat a healthy breakfast, exercise, get a good shower, fix myself and go to school. Do good in school. Come back home, study more, read a book, meditate, pray. I have already sacrificed so much to try to get happy. I have removed all my social media, I lost all my friends due to unnecessary drama I could have fought for them but it was no need because they left me, I don't have that much of contact with people no more. I have sacrificed so much. 

You know what would make me happy? To study hard to the theoric driving test and pass it. Then pass my driving licence test and get my fucking driving license. Bro I would kill for that to happen. BUT WHERE DO I GET THE MOTIVATION AND ENERGY?? PLEASE LIKE OUGH, this is a frustration. 

Okay I'm done. It feels better in my heart to take this all out. Waow. Okay bye.

Mental Health

FINISHED MY SOPHOMORE SEMESTER 4TH IN MY CLASS BABYYYY

Happy

Boasting krna kis hadd tk sahi hai?

Confusion

We like each other and have feelings but we agreed on not being in a relationship for now. That's not the point though..the point is it's pretty dry. I don't feel special or there's no butterfly in my stomach like it used to be before.  I still have feelings for him but there's no zeal. We either pull each other's leg or just casually talk! It's too dry :(
Ps : i am not being desperate, i just want to enjoy the flirts,  butterflies in my stomach etc moments. 
What can i do? 

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts