I really hate everything…
I really hate how people talk behindi my back… then after that whenever they say I am near them they always stops.
I really hate how my cousin thinks I am making her life hard. Why? When we are still kids I’ve experienced what she’s experiencing and yes I’ve cried but not really that much like she’s doing like I am sort of a bad guy.
I really hate how my cousins uniting whenever I am doing something whether its bad or good. Mostly bad. Am I that bad to not even say those words that they are saying in front of me? Am I that bad?
I really hate everything… geez. I hate those fucking plastic family of mine well not my parents and brothers for making me feel like shit everyday like everything that’s happening to them is because pf me and my stupid acts.
Yes I understand I often act sometimes like act before my mind. But is it enough for them to make me feel like this? Like I am the sole reason why they are suffering? Like they are in pain? They are making feel a worst person.
Like seriously? I am just so fucking tired for all of this bullshits. I just want to end my life just because I am feeling worst. Like I am the worst person in the world.
Am I really bad? I always push away my little brother because it is making me feel shy and slightly awkward. I lie. I sometimes let my anger take over my supposed to be actions causing me to hurt my cousins in unintentional way but the way they viewed it was intentional. And I kind of hate my cousin too because of some reason. And I love my parents but I can’t even show them how much I love them. I let them cook my meals which my family always say that I should be the one who’s doing that because you know my mom have a sort of a mental illness while my father is always tired from work but because I am just a selfish teenager I can’t even cook for them. I live away from our house I live from my aunt and I don’t have a good relationship when it comes to my grandmothers and relatives they always show how they are good to me but when I turn my back they always talk about me. Like I am sort of a bad kid. Like you know… I thought in America it is just normal for teenagers to act this way because of the rebel stage? But am I really rebel? I don’t know what to think anymore. I feel like this is too much for me. And my parents whenver talk to them they talk like I always needed money. I reay hate everything. Am I really bad? Maybe I am bad. They are all good anyway. And I am some sort of the worst member of the family. I am just lonely and sad and tired for everything. If I end my life will it really change anything? Will anyone cry for me? I hope this post will reach out to someone… I am really hoping. I am crying while typing this. Please.
I am so, so sorry you feel this way. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel. And whenever you have suicidal thoughts, you can reach out to people.
Let your family members know that you love them. A lot of the times, people turn away from us when they feel unloved.
Above all, remember that there are things to live for. Live for the moment when you embrace your cousins and know that they love you, when you travel to see a new place, and for the moment when you find a book that you can’t put down.
There are thousands of more reasons to stay alive. You’re valued, loved, and appreciated, and you were put on this Earth to make a difference and leave a legacy. You’re not alone.
I wish you the best,
Even tho I let them know nothing will changed. I am still the bad guy anyway. They always makes me feel that way… nothing will change. I tried to reach to them but no matter what you do people will only think what they want to think and say whatever they want to say regardless of the feelings of the person they are talking about. I just don’t feel valued like I am sort of an outcast in my own family. I just not know why they are making me feel like this. Do I still have to stay? Or live my own life pretending that they don’t exist so I can live comfortable regardlesa of what bad thoughts they think of me.
You definitely don’t have to live there if they make you feel unwanted or unloved and you don’t have to justify your reasons to them. And also, you’re already perfect - if they make you feel like the villain, then there’s something wrong with them and not with you.
I hope that you can find a friend in your life who accepts you for who you are and makes you feel comfortable! There will always be people in the world like your family who can make you feel like a hollow tree. There are also people in the world who will make you feel big and bright and whom you can drop your defenses to when you’re around them.
Thank you and I am planning to move out. I can’t stay here. It feels like I’ve always can’t breathe.