Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I need a suggestion here because it kills me to think about it
But first this is a very very long story about my life.
Only of you who are interested in giving suggestions can read it or it will be of much time.
I am a boy
I am 23 years old.
Ever since childhood I don’t have a proper or I have no family which love me and care about me.
I didn’t born single but we are faternal twins, brothers.
He is elder by 17 minutes.
When we are born ,we were separated.
My biological family choose to keep him and send me to adoption.Not because of financial or other problems,it was just because of a single promise which was given to adopted family.
They gave me away.
I don’t care about that.
In adopted family,it is hard for me,they didn’t see me as a family.
They are not nice to me.
At my age 6,I was sent to another family,I don’t know why.
First 1 year it is okay but later they started getting more and more.
They used to abuse and molest .
I used to complain to every single person in my life.
When I told this to adopted family ,they started too.
I am not okay with any of those families.
I reached 9 years age,once there is a fight in school between me and other students, I am in pain due to molestation by that family but all the other students are getting on my nerves.Suddenly,a boy slapped me hard,I can’t control anymore pain and beat him till he bleed from his hands and forehead.
They took me to principal mam,she told I was the reason for the fight,I told I am not but she didn’t listen,she told as don’t study well I am reason.
I don’t know why it was linked to my studies. How can I study?As I reach home I will be locked up and molested by those members,both women and men.in holidays they will lock me for days.
That madam said she will tell to my family but I am afraid and I begged she didn’t listen, I told her all what’s happening. .she listened to that and told me she will take care of that.But as soon as I reached home she is standing in my house,she also joined them and used to molest me every time she saw me.
By this time I am 10,at that age,I lost full control and I started acting recklessly, I used to behave like a monster,like I used to keep house on fire and cutting those members hands with knife etc.
One day they gave me drugs and alcohol, from that day they used to keep me there for days,they thought they gave me drugs and left but I gained conscious immediately I saw of one them coming to molest me,I suddenly pushed him down,he was died,I thought of escaping but not possible, that day till after noon it was a nightmare,after all saw that scene they gave me high dose which led me to get fits,I still remember the feeling when I used to get fits from day to day from that day.
One day it became serious and I wasn’t able to breathe and I started to blood vomit.
That day afternoon my biological family showed up,till then I didn’t saw them once, I don’t know that they are my family,they took me to their house.
I know that I am not fit for that family but that day my uncle came to me and said even though you don’t have a father in our family,we will make sure you are treated well and I will take care of you as my own son.
I believed that and I have no option none other than that.
After reaching their I felt very happy and I tried my best to be a part of that family.But my siblings, my twin brother and younger sister used to hate me like hell.I soon came to know that my biological father was dead and family consists of my mother,maternal uncle and aunt, twin brother and younger sister, paternal uncle and aunt and two elder cousin brothers and one elder cousin sister,grandmother and grandfather…
They all used to live together.
I soon got attached to my mother and uncle and other family members except children of that family.
Another mistake was I trusted them most,I started going to new school but there my twin brother is class topper ,i don’t even know basics of that class.I am in 6th standard and I am not good at studies ,I didn’t care about that,always I focused on getting close to family…
But one day in parent teacher meeting, my mother was disappointed in me and beat me for first time in 6th class. One of the teacher gave me chance to explain about global warming and first I failed but soon I got learn how to give speeches and write essay and learn about different topics,all liked it ,my mother and uncle first time took me out with my twin brother and younger sister, I am happy that time,I started studying like a fool and getting improved. I grew closer to all the teachers in school ,as my brother is class leader he too used to treat me well from then because I am teachers favorite…
I became close to my siblings too,mostly with my brother I am super close.
We started acting like real twins from then,we used to do all things together…
We finished class by class and grew closer…I didn’t expect it…I forget all the nightmares I faced at childhood with the happiness given by him and my family.i stopped having nightmares too…We reached 9th grade ,we are now on equal level on everything,videogames,studies,everything…
He even started to defend me in fights and in family.
We became best friends and more than brothers.
We started sacrificing everything for each other,we became important to each other more than everyone else even more than ourselves.

We finished our 10th standard with 97 and 96 percentage.
We thought of joining in boarding college and prepare for EAMCET and join in university(XYZ UNIVERSITY WHICH IS VERY FAMOUS IN OUR INDIA)and than prepare for UPSC and crack it.
Soon after finishing 10th we are waiting for results of public exams.
Those days were the worst of all.
One afternoon we rided bike and went to home ,he is nervous from first and seem to be worrying about something. I asked but he didn’t tell,I asked him many times and made many silly tricks to make him tell.He told it was about result but I know it is not about that and didn’t ask anymore.As soon as we went home,I slept because it was already 11 PM and as soon as I slept,my uncle injected me with drugs,I tried my best to reattach but I was holded by more than 7 members.
I yelled for help from all and I called him many times but no one cared.
I soon lost conscious due to drugs and alcohol…
I know they are doing something to me but I can’t respond…
I woke up after many hours…my hands were tied to leg of bed,I sat up and yelled to leave me but none came.
After some time ,my uncle and mother came and told me that I am waste and unwanted.i didn’t care because I knew they were up to something before but soon they told me that they all molested me and showed me videos.
I was devastated, how can biological family do that?all love and care and time till now are waste.
I moved the bed with angry, they beat me, blood was flowing from my hands and ears and many injuries are there on my body,they all are paining but the real pain was caused from the words and videos they showed me.
They went out.I only wished for escaping from there,I thought of running away with my brother because he didn’t do anything wrong.I know my younger sister was also there but they love her and take good care of her,but it is different with my brother ,they thought of sending him away too once…
It was paining and there were was no ventilation in that room, I soon started remembering all the incidents of childhood back when i am 7 to 11 years…
I yelled and cried but no one came. I want water and i am in pain
Soon after some time someone came into room ,I can’t see who is that because he was standing back of me but I soon recognized him and he was my brother…
I asked him many times to remove my ties and help me get out of here but he went out without saying anything. I yelled for him.after he came in and stood in front of me,I looked at him and asked him to help and we will get out of here but he didn’t respond.
I finally understood that he was not willing to come with me as that family was more important to him.
I understand him because after all he was in that family from beginning and got real love and care from them from childhood.
I know that he will not come so asked him to untie me but he was not willing to do so.
He finally spoke and told me I was just a thing who was born after him and was a waste as they told.
He told he want me not to disturb his family…
He told he want me died if I was trouble for his family…
Those words were the most hurtful.Till then I stayed strong for taking him with him and leading a happy life but I finally came to know my position in his world…
The time we spent was just a memory for him which disturbed his family.
After he called mother and uncle to get in and they came.I begged him not to do what they told and not to believe them and I begged him many times to release me.But my mother and uncle got angry and asked him to beat me and inject me drugs himself.
I believed he won’t do that but my mother told loudly and he picked up the injection and injected me,I didn’t speak a word as he was injecting me.i just stayed calm and looked into his eyes.His eyes were filled with tears but he was trying hard to control them.I asked him if he had a reason to do that but he told he don’t care what happens to me.As I tried to speak another word he untied me and hit me to the wall.i didn’t speak anything, he took a piece of wood and hit me on head,I was having hard time bearing that pain…After soon time I collapsed and my mother and uncle left.He immediately dropped the wood piece and came to me but I can’t able to open my eyes. I was bleeding from tears and mouth and wounds are all over.
He went to corner of that room and sat there.He tied me again.I wasn’t able to sit steadily so soon after I went unconscious…
I still remember as I am going unconscious he started to wake me up and he started crying.
I woke up on bed with my injuries treated and he was not there.
I understand that a RMP(local village doctor) treated me because there was a slip with prescription of doctor with his clinic name on it.
I was not tied and I thought of rushing out but door was locked ,I shouted and yelled and tried many ways but soon I collapsed again as I tried.
My uncle came to me and started beating him as I was not tied up but he can control me.He told if I want my life I should stay away from the my brother.i don’t mind it but I asked why,he told me because all the family love him very much but not me and I was waste so I need to stay away from him and this family.
I was okay with that and I agreed but I asked about my future and how can I continue studies and about my future as I was just 15-16 years that time.
He told he will send me 10000 per month for living and pay my education fee separately .I asked how can he send me money if I am away and he told he will create accounts and we accepted on that.But I asked a question to them that is why did they molest and made me like this if they just want me to stay away,why did they take me back if they can support me financially from staying away…
Anyone didn’t answer and I immediately moved out and after few months I got my collage seat and started working on my career but I have many questions to them.why did they touch me everywhere when I am there biological? Why don’t they just hire people to do that with them?why did they don’t want only me and want all others. The thing I don’t understand is my younger sister was adopted by them but I am biological.,they can’t raise me but they want all other children. I don’t envy or hate any of my siblings. I understood as I am unwanted by them I am just not fit for their family ,I am fit for this world and i decided not to allow anyone to my family.My family is only me.
But nightmares, panic attacks didn’t stop.I just learned to accept the nightmares and get used to them.Daily ,nightmares and that incident flash at once became common.I feel many things but got used to them.I felt many things and they didn’t stop so I just learned to be emotional less even if I remember them.

I am boy and still can’t protect my self from any others.I am not a girl to be molested or raped.But those happened and they became common

As they promised they supported me financially throughout my studies but I didn’t see them at least once in those years,I didn’t dare to.
I want to meet him badly,I want to share all my feelings with him like before,I want to hug him and cry but he became of the reason for all these so I can’t love him anymore and I can’t be with him anymore. I don’t want to hate him but I can’t help it either,I don’t get angry on him but I just don’t know what to do.
I didn’t see him and I didn’t know how was he doing,I don’t know is my younger sister doing too.They were cared and loved by them but I want to see them and not to disturb them.i don’t know why I still long for that.
But I don’t want to go near them.

But when I am 20 and in engineering 3rd year, I went on a business trip with my lecturer and department head.I went on many like that in college times but that one is special because when I am sitting outside(because my lecturer and others went to movie and I didn’t go because I don’t like cold and dark temperatures)and waiting for my lecturer to get back as returning back I saw that family going into movie theater.I saw my cousins first and then all of them.I immediately went inside the car and closed the glass but I was watching them.At first, i panicked and hurried to get out but i don’t know what led me stay there but i stayed there and saw them.They all are sitting outside as their show didn’t start yet.Subconciously ,I started searching for him and I saw him sitting on a bike.I don’t know what to do.I saw all of them( my younger sister,mother, uncle, cousins,aunt etc).As I watched them I realized my uncle and aunt had a cute girl baby.They call her Reni …
I watched them for long time and soon movie started.All went inside except him and he was standing out and saying bye to all them with real smile on his face.He was smiling heartily and kissed that baby.As he was going back uncle interrupted him and told him something funny (I think) because they were laughing and soon the door was closed and he came back out and then he was going back on bike.I texted my lecturer and told I am going back on my vehicle,I don’t know why I done that.I started riding my bike too and went behind him.But I realized what I am doing and stopped following him.
After some time,my lecturer told me to get back and they want to go to another collage so I went back to theater reluctantly and I managed to get out of their sight.That day,I realized he was doing well and was in good environment. I don’t know to feel happy or sad.

After I continued with my studies and at 21 and last year of my engineering, I was preparing for the exams but for some reasons they were delayed in our area and collage. I graduated with good remarks.
I found a job after 1 month of my graduation and it is very well paid off.I called my uncle’s friend and told him to say my uncle to stop sending me money.
As soon as I reached my 22 ,I got high salaried job and repaid my uncle with all the money he paid on me.I gave him back all the money from my 10 years age till now ,I am satisfied.

I finished all these and applied for UPSC and started preparing for it.Actually I don’t like UPSC at all ,I decided it as my goal just because it was his dream and we should do it together when I am still with him…as I am preparing I know that I am not interested in it and I stopped preparing for UPSC.I focused on my current job and earned well and focused on other activities I want to do…it is okay till now
But 2 months back,suddenly I saw him at mall I go.This time he saw me too.At first,he didn’t recognize me but kept looking at me ,I saw him and going back but unfortunately that shop owner called my name and handed me over the package which I came for,I took it and turned back and got into my car but he blocked the turn with his car.
I can’t get out now.I locked all the car doors and glass.I put on window cover too.He didn’t take the car back,I asked passersby to tell him to move but he didn’t listen ,And the car which is on other side drove it’s way ,so I accelerated immediately and finally got out.
He followed me,I didn’t understand why.But I can’t decide what to do because he was following me,if I go to my house ,By the time I park the car he will caught me,or if i just park the car on side road by then he will caught the lift ,I have no way to escape… so I decided to act as I don’t know him and I drove the car into parking lot and as I was getting on lift,it was late so I just took stairs but by the time I reach the floor he was already there by the lift.

I didn’t care and walked to apartment. He followed me.
As I was locking door he called my name,I didn’t respond.
He came in directly…I asked him to step out and talk but he walked in to all the rooms totally.The apartment I bought have 4 rooms ,living room and balcony.He went to two bedrooms to check and came back and he went to kitchen and study room too.I asked what are you searching for and what do you want?
He told me don’t act fool.I said you are in strangers house and checking them without permission.
He looked at me and asked where is his sister?
I understood that he was searching for my younger sister.
But how can I know?
I told I don’t have connections with anyone in your family.
He held me to wall and started strangling me.
This time I am not weak and I got into a fight with him.
Suddenly my uncle came and stopped me from beating him.By the time ,my uncle came I stopped fighting because I don’t want that uncle to touch or come near me and asked them to stay away from me as I payed them the money they spent on me with interest.
He told his sister went away from home with lover and was hiding some where.
I said it was not my business and now get out of here.
My uncle suddenly slapped me and told I should be grateful that my mother gave me birth.
I got it on my nerves,I tried to hit him back but I stopped and told them I will call security.
They told that she was staying with me as she mentioned that she will stay with me in her letter.

What the heck now?I didn’t contact any of them from years and now they are coming and asking me where she was and what did I do to her for revenge.
I told i didn’t and they believed it as my uncle saw my hatred towards him.
I didn’t hate that family and I never thought of harming it and I didn’t hate them.i only hated my mother and uncles and cousins as they molested me.
Now I want to live peacefully.
They left as soon as they received phone call saying they found her and she was alright and just acted a play to see her family reactions with her friends.

They left happily as they found her…
That day,I don’t know for first time after many years,my eyes are filled with tears again.
I saw them going and I heard them
He was asking uncle that why did he support me financially.
I went in front of him and said don’t worry I repaid them all back and I will soon repay the amount which is for your mother giving birth to me.
I said that there simply but I know how much I suffered for saying that words to him.

I went back to apartment and locked the door.
As soon as locked the door really tears came in my eyes.
I wished that I can go back to 10 years of my age,and not accept coming into this family.Maybe I will be dead that day without making happen all this if I not accepted and trust their words.

After 2 weeks,he came back and this time ,he came with group of people, like 12 members. I was returning from a village where I went 2 days before to get the report from village head which is required in my office.
He came in front of me and ready to hold my collar and I punched him right away and he fell down.From back someone caught me but I managed to escape and tried calling 100.But as they hold me grouply I cannot attack back.Same like in the past,as all of them were catching me he took out same drug from past.He injected it into me again but this time I lost conscious within minutes.
I woke up after 30 minutes and untied myself.This time only he was standing there.He came in my way.I told to move ,he didn’t.I lost my temper and beat him and he was standing still as I was beating him.
I stopped when he bleed from his lips,I thought of letting him go and I can go back.But he blocked my way,as i was beating him again he stood there silently. This time i got it on my nerves and bea him very hard.He fell down.I thought of looking what happened to him but i went away.
I don’t know why he did that.
After few days,he again came in my way and I got out from there.But that day he kept on showing up.I asked what’s his problem.
He told he was sorry and asked me to forgive and come back to his life.
I am shocked.I left him with one punch but this time he punched me back.We got into a fight and started beating each other until he passed out.
As soon as he passed out,I didn’t understand what to do.
I broke my hand and bleeding as there was a cut and wounds all over my face.
I decided to leave him there and go back,I left but came back there after 15 minutes,he was still there and took him to hospital and said it was just a friends fight to doctor and after he was treated I got myself a fracture hand and left the hospital.
He came to me again after 2 days,now I lost all my patience .
I closed the door but he didn’t go away.
He came there every day from then,I went to uncle and told about him and left.That day afternoon, he stayed outside my apartment and after some time I saw him passed out,I can’t decide to go out or not but later I went out and checked his forehead,he was having high fever and infection from wounds which were from the fight we had before.I took him into room and kept hot water there.
After that ,I once checked in middle of night but he still didn’t wake up,so I checked his forehead again and threw few water drops on his face but he still didn’t wake,I am tensed up.I checked his pulse and he was normal with his heart beat but he is not waking up.
I waited but he didn’t wake up,I almost cried that day.
Tension is running in my mind,finally I made him drink water and tried again to wake him up,finally he woke up.
I went into my room but I didn’t hear any noise from outside and checked again ,he sat on sofa but not looking good,I gave him dolo tablet and some milk, he took the tablet and ready to leave.But as he was leaving he told me to treat him like what we are used to be back then.
I told I cannot and I will not.
He turned back back and told he did that because of some reasons and he was sorry.
I asked what are the reasons but he didn’t respond and I asked him to leave .
After,my mother came to me and asked if I wanted to get back with him.
I told no
She told that don’t even try that because you are a unwanted after him and you are not qualified to be his side as a brother
I didn’t say anything and asked her to leave
She told if I try she will kill me
I told if you kill me do you think you can get away and I gave some money to her as for giving birth to me.
She told she didn’t except me and anyway she don’t want to give birth to me.
I got angry and said then why didn’t you kill me at first and why did you touch me and molested me if I am the thing who you gave birth.
She got angry and left
But as I turn around she stabbed me with knife.
As I expected it ,I gave reflex and the stab was not deep and just shallow.
I went to another room .I called 100 and they came and took me to hospital.
He came to hospital and stayed there until I discharge.
I reported it as robbery.
I thought of telling the truth to police but stayed back and decided to go to another state and work there as I can’t live here anymore.
After 2 days,I packed my bag and moved out and boarding airport.
Then he showed up and said that he will come to same city as me and work there too.
I said why ,to plan to kill me again.
He said he already has a job there and will come in same flight with me.
But what I don’t understand is how does he know where I work?
He said he did that because in past,he was told that I molested my younger sister and that’s why he beat me up that day at childhood and injected drugs because he was told that I did the same to my younger sister and he told that he came to me few months ago because my younger sister eloped and he thought I did that to harm her again like in past.
I am shocked but I told him do I need to believe that and do you believe what they said in past.?
I asked don’t you know me and you believed it just like that and made me suffer that much in past.?
He told he was sorry and he came to know the truth just few days back and because of that he fought with that family and came out and that is why my mother attacked me.
I said it’s your fault and now go away.
And later I came to new job and he was still around me in my job and home too.
He always tells me to believe him .
Sometimes I thought of that too
But I am getting confused whether to accept him or not because everytime I see him I will recall all the good memories with him and my happiness with him
But I still haven’t forgotten what happened back in years
Should I believe him or not?