I love him so much it hurts. We have a long distance friendship, so I can’t even get jealous whenever I see him with a girl.. I overthink everything and I hurt myself by telling me he loves me. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t.. because.. let’s face it.. I’m everyone’s last choice. 

I just hate the fact I love him so much. I dream about this non existent life we could have together, about our love story that’ll probably never come true. 

So why do I keep loving him.. why do I do this to myself. I know he says he loves me but with everything I see or hear, they all tell me that he doesn’t. 

I don’t know anymore. Maybe.. just maybe I should just end our friendship now so that I don’t get hurt anymore?

But I don’t want to do that. He makes me feel safe yk, he makes me feel loved. Or that’s just what I tell myself. Gosh I don’t fking know. 

He says he loves me but every time I feel like I’m just bothering or when I look at one of his pictures I wonder how he could even love me. I just don’t know and it’s hard to try and distance myself from him since we talk like 4-5 times a week. I can’t go without having reassurance or without someone to talk to

I told him and he tells me he loves me too but I don’t feel like it. Maybe its just because I overthink and we’re only through text but it still hurts. 

Yup.. still not over it haha. Still in doubt and still madly in love with him. 

Honestly.. not really. He’s the only guy I wanna talk to

One Sided Love

I am very upset & crying & missing someone very badly. We started talking just 7 days back. In the second day itself he told me that he is very much committed to his girlfriend. I had a recent breakup n later patch so I was already feeling down.  we visited each others apartments as friends as we live alone n it's hard to live alone during this pandemic times. Yesterday early in the morning he got panic attacks n so came to my apartment to sleep calmly. We ended up kissing. We decided not to ever communicate with each other in future in order to not ruin our relationships further. So we deleted each others contact number n unfollowed each others social media accounts. 
I was unable to move on so I called him in the Yesterday afternoon itself. But he refused to talk. N later went back home to his gf saying he is missing him too much n he wants to marry her. 
I don't know what r my feelings for him? Do I love him? Should I get involved any further if he calls again? M I missing him? I Really don't know anything.  But m crying since yesterday. 
He is a singer n in a good job. So I cant help n keep watching his videos in you tube. 
Is it love? How should I move on? He is clear that he loves his girlfriend. My astrologer says that I should not get involved with him. 
But I really liked him 😭 I may be wanted to marry him secretly.


Relationships

After ages .I mean literally after a great time I spoke with some one for 4 long hr and neither he felt bored nor me .and he is guy who is more introvert and talk less n call but he ended up speaking up for 4hr long and when ever we speaks call goes of more than 1hr so 
Guys do I have to take him serious like a bestie or boyfriend?


Friends

I have given everything of my own to him. I made my life WHOLLY about him. I tried and put so much efforts in making this relationship work. And now after 5 years, all i get from him is,
“We should move on and explore other things in life, my life doesn’t revolve wholly around you, i have other things too”
Which i get ,is true for him. His family is against OUT OF CASTE MARRIAGE. Which i knew from the start but still deep within my heart i tried to change everything , i literally put every damn thing on stake just to have him. I dont why i am being so desperate for him. He says that we had a great time in college and now we are 25, we have to work hard to make up for future.
I know everything he says is for good and actually comes from a good place but why am i the only one who is feeling jealous just because i cant see him with any other girl. Maybe he was the first guy that i have been physically involved with, if you know what i mean. He was my FIRST of everything. And now , the thought of him with his wife, the way he will be involved with her emotionally and PHYSICALLY, the way he will be fully involved with her, is killing me and making me more obsessed about him. I am not able to let go of the thought, that he is already opening and being very positive about the whole situation. Does that mean, I wasn’t worth it ? I know he will change for himself and he is a very positive man. But why am i not able to think positively ? I am stuck. It hurts that he is ready to live a life without ME in it. Atleast he is visualising it without ME.
And i have my PG exam in next month and i am not able to focus.
All i think about is- HIM !
Advices please.

Breakup

Today I am going to say something which Ik but I'm not ready to accept it yes i know it from a long time but still I'm not ready to accept it. I know the person I love doesn't love me or maybe not anymore once he did.. from long time I feel like he talks to me about physical and ol like yesterday we were talking normally and he wanted to talk about physical inbetween and I said no and uske 5ya 10 min m usko nind aagyi seriously man 😂.
Ik this that he is not right for me from past 2yrs but I don't why I can't leave him although 1yrs usse no contact situation m rhe ke bhi I can't leave him I don't why.. i love him so much.. he is not my boyfriend bcoz he is not ready for any tags he say we are bestfriend and he loves me.. and i always defend him in front of my bestfriends . I know he is wrong but I can't say that my love for him doesn't allow me to say that he is wrong and i don't know what should I do.. he can live without me but I can't.. ik koi nhi Marta kiske Bina but I want him..

Anxiety

I m a very selfish person whenever it comes to my feelings....I always have backup for everything that would hurt me in future....because i know I can't handle the feeling of getting hurt......today I broke up with my bf the reason is that we both bring out worst in us....individually we are good person but together we are worst.....he says that we should try and not give up so easily but this would be 3rd time to patchup and nothing changes so I don't feel like continuing the relationship as it will hurt us both in future.....am I doing the right thing? I m so confused because I don't know whether I m in love with him or I m attached to him?.....am I doing something worst with him?

Coming Out

I let myself be vulnerable and I got used. I was separating from my ex of 18.5 years when a guy from middle school instant messaged me on Facebook. He was very persistent and sweet. He said all things I wanted to hear from my ex. He then moved back to his hometown which is where I live only to find out he is broke and just needed someplace to go. I paid for everything while on dates. Tried to help him with attire for when we go out. I just wouldn't live with him bc I wanted to be engaged first. He grew more and more angry because of this. He started putting me down and degrading me. He started to stand me up and not call as much. Tonight was the last draw. I have deleted my Facebook account and I know he doesn't know my number by heart. If he truly has a broken phone like his excuse was for not calling, I shall not ever hear from him again. I just feel so very stupid.

I loved him alot...but he disrespected me alot. He always tried to push my boundaries and tried to trigger me to act like a crazy person. Initially I thought he was doing teasing out of love. But he just increased his frequency. I bothered many times by his teasing but I didn't want to show it. Because everybody considered me as weak person and I wanted to prove them wrong. Just because I'm a little sensitive it doesn't mean I'm weak. He made me crazy in just two months. Now when I broke up with him and didn't want to deal with him. He asked me that  initially I liked his behaviour then why not now?? After 2 months of break up, I'm still crying and he is chilling with his friends. No regrets from his sides. 

Confusion

Heya I met a guy online 8years ago, I was 16 and crushing on him badly.2 years later I confessed my feeling to him. He felt the same it was a long distance little did I know about long distance and the consequences I went along.
It was nice when we met because of the excitement to make each other best everytime we met.
Untill 3 months later he started ghosting me.
6 months into the relationship I met him and broke up with him.
Over my first ever.
It was tough because it was the first time all the emotions flooded.
I was keeping myself occupied with cllg activities.
My high school sr who was in town for a month caught up with me he made me feel special my friend1 (same school) kept telling he likes me.
I ignored as I had a lot going on back of my head. 
We often met and it was nice we played baord games and all.
One fine day my friend1 happened to ask him what he feels for me and if he likes me and all he told her he doesn't want to complicate it.
And showed me those msgs and asked why she asked me such qs.
I said I have no idea
He told me he does like me and it was intimate 
He asked if he can have a hug we did and I kissed him.
Till date I dunno why I did that.
I wasn't horny was I ?
Or was it the comfort I felt in his arms.
Weird af.
I told him it was not my intention to do it. And this is getting complicated as he was from a different religion( don't judge me here but I think things long termi believe in love forever that is who I was back then. I don't know what I was doing. I felt I was rushing.
Told him the same thing.
I met my friend 1 I might have feeling for him but I am not sure I feel I am rushing l.
Later that week I had my exams told him the exam.
I met him after a week and realised I should take. Chance be vulnerable take risks.
And I did we met mo did all these activities we wanted to do like a to-do list. It was  so good. 
Two weeks later my friend1 calls me home and tells she has something to share. She confesses she MO with the guy twice. 
I had my finals ina  month I was heart broken. He was like I din't expect u would want anything from me.
It was bad.
I stopped talking to boht of them 
When ever I felt like calling my friend 1 she halted saying I should get over that fact and stop calling her and venting to her.
I felt so lonely.
I sucked it up gave my finals trying to get myself up.
6 months he was trying to get to me convince me for an other chance.
I did give in my heart melted.
So I ahve been dating this guy 4 years.
Stopped talking to my F1 since then.
She tried talking to me but I needed time she gave up and removed me from all her accounts. I was looking forward to get along someday eventually.
Anywyas then he always did things which hurt me like sharing all these details to some random girl (friend of my cllg friend) he met once then apologize.
Being possesive and obsessed.
There were fights all the time.
He used to speak things which hurt me a lot. I dunno why I could not assess it as vernal abuse but now I know what it was. 
All these were red flags but I was blind. Few years later things got bad at home personal problems with my siblings  after which I couldn't take risk of seeing him as we live in India.
So I told the same.
We were in touch like u can call it causual.
I realised I like him a lot and went back to him. Asked for a commitment in the conditions favourable to me.
That Is what I felt to do andi did it. 
Little did I know he was already moving on. He said he needs time 6 months. During this time I realised he is keeping himself distant like not shairng things
I had no idea what he was upto and all. One days I asked him if he had made new frnds he said NO.
One day I went to Mal e frnd's house my squad have been together since the first year of cllg.
He dint like me going to his place I told him I won't.
That day I did we cut cake had lunch and dispersed. 
After going home I shared it with my bf he got super mad and said a lot of things. But I knew I did something to hurt so I kept quite.
A month later into lockdown (friend of friend) shares me a video of me saying dunno how I have it in my gallery. This suprised me bc neither me nor my frnd shared it.
So I asked my bf if he did he said may be. But according to what he said earlier he had stopped talking to her. I asked why would he hide it he was like he dint like the way things stopped between them on a bad note so I wanted to leave a good validation with her. So I asked if he is hiding Anything else from me.
He told me he made new frnds and he has been meeting them.
I was like did u lie to me about it ?
He said yes that he met them recen times and lied to me about it

I asked him why he would do such a thing.
He told me he lost the rapport.
I was like we were getting serious and asking for commitment and this is how u feel about me.
He was like he was moving on.
It broke my heart and I told him
I am not expecting anything from him.
And I don't trust him anymore.

Yet he kept texting and me being me.
Was not available .
After few months of crying telling I feel he talks as if he is obliged to talk to me and isn't talking to me properly.
I stopped talking to him completely for a month.
I was diagnosed with anxiety. I tried to be  calm.
A lot on my plate I was crying everyother day. A good cllg frnd of mine always supported me. Grateful to have such an amazing frnd. God bless her. 
One month later he was continuing to get in contact askign what happened and give him clarity.
I was what clarity did u have all these months he was like u were talking so I was talking. 
I said I was having unhealthy expectations for working things out  and getting hurt. So I am moving away for good.
He was he wants the same but my conditions won't apply work with the way it is.since I liked him alot  and yeah yet again I melted.decided to give it a thought since we are in 2021 religion should not be any issue right. 
It so bad.
3 months we met but I felt I has taken me for granted.
Was not available emotionally when I needed him the most. 
Would leave me on call for leaving a good validation for some one he met a week ago. 
I was staying with him thinking I like him and his presence is what I like.
But being with him hurted me more I was not happy.
He was keeping things from with my other best frnd.
She is naive and forgot there are boundaries to any friendship she kept things from me bc he asked her to do so.
Shared all the details of how our relationship started.i kept things from her bc I was not sure how she  might receive it. 
I was overwhelmed and anxiety made it worse. 
I had a sleep over at herplcce
I used to meet this bestfriend frequently as she lived near by.one day we had a sleepover. That night we kind of fooled I don't know if it is normal for girls to touch each other's boobs and check whose boob is bigger at night cuddle and sleep.
Morning I ended up telling her I was sexually abusd tocuhed inappropriately as a kid.

She kept things from me about him ( he told her our relationship started with me kissing him and she should not tell me about it )( happened 3 years ago but she kept it from me.)
She was sharing things about her life with him and was like don't tell me but he told me all that ) I din't confront thinking someday she will tell me all this her choice right.
-- during this discussion with her she on  hightome told me she doesn't want to get involved into this.(relationship)-- after this read below
and she is already involved who involved her. I was hurt I din't know what was happening.on the other hand she kept saying I should take stand for myself.

I was sharing things with her all about my family siblings relationship.
Next day I broke up with him sayign I am not happy and we are not compatible. I am having trust issues.
Called my best frnd apologized as I thought I was over loading her eith a lot of information and that I broke up with him asking all my frnds to stop talking to him.
If he talks don't feel obliged to reply if u want to be neutral I understand and all.
She was liek I can handle myself.
Lastly I told her (since my anxiety and intrusive thoughts made me feel guilty) I crossed a boundary in sleep over I should not have done it.
I am sorry.
Little did I know it was normal for girls to fool around like that. 
Nextday she came home morning dint meet me left my wallet outside with long msgs saying she needs break from all this. Had ntn to do with me.
She has personal things to take care of. Asking for time and space. 
She left. 
I feel so lonely right now.
I lost my friend 1 
Broke up my t bf (whom I still have feeling and see future with which sucks even more)
Lost my bestfriend I am giving her space as she said. Dunno what will happen
Have my exam in 26 days. 
All this feels sick to me 
I am talking to a therapist but yet I feel so bad and sick.
I feel I am not a good person and am ruining things .
Eventually will take wrong decisions in future end messing up my life too. 

But one thing is after I stopped talking to anyof them 
I feel calm and quite. 
Like now I realised I ahev career which is at stack and needs attention.
All my energy was consumed for things like family issues bf frnds.
My bf is asking me to rethink as I took this decision in middle of a lot of tensions I should give it a thought after my exams I denied I dunno.
He keeps asking if I never felt happy in all those moments....
I want to do better 
Learn how to cope up un stressful situations better 
I want full fill my dreams 
All this little moments I want to live with 
Do my post graduation 🎓 at a good institute.

Does this mean I am indecisive anxious person who scared away people. 
I feel sad. 
I am not able to conc and study. 
No one at home is aware of my mental illness. I don't want to add more to their tensions. 




Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts