Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

i lost my grandmother a few months back.
She died due to cardiac arrest. It was so sudden that none of us in the family had anything to think about. In the drop of a hat, she passed away. Everyone said it was a pure death. I agree, for she was also so pure and so loveable.
But idk, we aren’t over it yet. I can’t seem to move on. I can’t seem to accept that she is gone now(as i was very close to her, we all were). I can’t digest the fact that it actually happened, death happened. I obviously feel very sad because of it. But also the fact that is haunting me ever since is that i wasn’t there when she left us. I was not at home. I didn’t see her the last time she was alive. I couldn’t help her in her last moments. God, we didn’t even know those were her last moments. We just thought it’s a random diabetes problem. And on the top of all of this, the last thing i even said to her was ‘bye’ as i was going somewhere.
I don’t know what I’ll do without her. She comes in my dreams, and all the dreams are about that she’s alive again, about she having a rebirth. And i can’t take it anymore. Those memories are haunting me now. Her absence is making us feel so void. I want her back. I can’t have her back. But i really love her and miss her and i need something to hold on to. I don’t want to detach but i also want to set her free.