I lost my father due to Covid 19 in April 2021. I was there with him in COVID ward for every minute for 13 days. He was on oxigen support (oxigen mask) On the 14th day at 3:30 AM his oxigen seturation was 55-65 so I called ward boys and doctors to bring Bipep machine as was advised by the attending doctor on previous night. My father was unwilling to apply bipep machine, so I gave it in writing that it will be my responsibility if anything happens if Bipep machine was not applied. Then I asked them to let me try to convince my father to apply bipep machine. I convinced my father and the bipep machine was applied on and of for 2-3 times, but finally detached as my father was not willing. The wardboy took 10 minutes to shut off the bipep machine, during that time I stand nearby my father, he was breathing on normal Oxigen mask as far as I remember. Then as soon as the wardboy finally switched off the bipep machine I sat back on a chair just 5 feet away my father, and unknowingly got a nap of few seconds, as I was in sleep deprivation for almost 12 days. As soon as I opened my eyes I saw that my father was not breathing. I called the wardboy and doctor, they gave may father emergency CPR but finally declared dead by seeing straight ECG at 5:45 AM. I saw my father for almost above 45 minutes. Checked his eyes and placed my years on his chest. After that he was placed in the mortuary and taken back for funeral at around 2:00 PM. I was told at that time that I have to see him there last time and they won’t open the body at funeral. There was nobody with me, So I had to make my mind that I have to perform his last rites with his covered boby and face. When we reached at funeral place, only my maternal uncle and his two sons came. Nobody asked me to open my father’s face neither it was allowed due to Corona Protocol, neither it came to my mind because I had already made my mind as I was told so, and at the time of performing last rites I became emotionally numb. Everything was over then.
After few days of coming home, sone doubts and guilts came to my mind such as-
1. Why did I naped(slept)? Was there any mistake in his normal Oxigen supply which I missed due nap or unknowingly?
2. Why it not came to my mind to open my father’s face at last time? Was there any possibility of his being alive at that time? (Although he was there at mortuary for 6-8 hours and I just saw him there dead few minutes earlier)
Due to above thoughts I feel very guilty. I just wanted to know that whether my doubts are rational?
And whether I acted Right in those circumstances?
Please advise!!!
When you lose a loved one, these questions are normal.
What comes has to go, death is inevitable.
Even if you had not slept, maybe their was no chance of his survival.
You saw him dead himself, and your guilt is making you think he would have been alive if you would have not slept or checked his face again.
You think you are being guilty of something inevitable but it was not your fault.
May your father’s soul rest in peace.
May god give you strength to pass through this difficult time.
Stay strong and make your father proud
Thanks for your kind reply 👍🏻.
Hello there,
First of all, Im so sorry for your loss. I know this is just a piece of advice, but most thing to know is that what happened would never be your fault. Every human being will die when the time has come. Neither too late nor too early. Its is normal if we will think that we were the cause of someone’s death and we will start blaming ourselves. I’ve lost my sister 10 years ago and i was thinking the same thing as you. But dont think that way, because it was stated in their journey of life to end that way. I believe that your father left the world happily. I’m sorry if my words wont help you that much but remember again, you are not guilty. Lots of love, stranger.
Thanks. Your words will surely help me in some way.
