I just wanna be around good energy. Connect with good people. Learn new things. Grow.

Self Esteem

Hey there . I am in a very bad mental state lately. Moreover it's related to my career . I know what I am currently pursuing will help will grow but it's no fun for me and I am trying to pass each day . I am not enjoying what I am doing but there's lot of investment and I am really confused whether to leave this and start something else or follow a different path or just continue doing this . It's affecting my mental state . I am always in a low or depressed mood , unable to eat or sleep properly, always tired, not interested in interacting with other people. It's really taking a toll on my mental health. Please help me out to find a solution.

Confusion

Could there be a sadder ending eh??

3am Thoughts

I feel depressed. Like properly depressed. I have difficulty breathing, it feels like my lungs are about to burst. Watching Juice’s documentary made me feel sadder. I sometimes wonder what it’d be like to leave this world. I was always curious about life after death, but recently I've been thinking about it more than ever before. I can hear my mom listening to “Mistletoe and Wine”, since it’s Xmas week. Usually I’d be singing silently along with it, but now this just makes me annoyed. Perhaps I’ve sunk so deep to the point that I don’t wish to be not depressed. Don’t know if that makes sense though. Nothing makes sense these days anyway so I guess it’s fine. I’m trying to study, hopefully saying all this makes me feel better. Paper does have more patience than people after all.

Anxiety

Valentines day, a cheerful, colourful and most cherished day, celebrated by most people across the world with their loved one's.
Every year this day makes me feel the empty ness of my life. It's the day that creates anxiousness, fear, insecurity, low self esteem, angry, hatred, disgusting and much more. All these emotions gushes out and creates an havoc. I mean it's all fu*ked up. Especially today, I can't calm myself down. I have been single my whole life. Thoughts like turning 25, haven't had a chance to celebrate valentines day yet builds up an anxiety that I can't even explain. I feel that I'm an abomination, a cursed one. There is no one in my life to share my feelings with. For I'm a product of bad parenting and vicious dominant friends. I'm feeling lonely than ever. 

Is there something wrong with me?
What if I end up being alone for the rest of my life? 
What if this loneliness kills me instead? 
What if there is no one to love/understand me? 

These questions are making me paranoid. 
I used to think that Love is a kind of blessing. Now, I've started to think that the concept of 'Love' is delusional. I think it's very overrated in today's world. 




Lonely

When taylor swift sang, "i forgot that you existed, it isn't love, it isn't hate, it's just indifference" i felt that so deep in my heart 😭

Love

Lost my microprocessor lab work feel like I should just die, in a sucking relationship, not studying anything, having breakdown at every possible hour, feeling inferior all the time...... I just don't know why I have been like this for 2 year straight . God am I so fucked, I can never possibly heal? 

Breakup

Sitting here in this silence, I truly know and grasp at what true loneliness is. I'm frustrated as well as exhausted and wonder whether I deserve this kind of a tryout all the time. No one will ever really understand my condition in which I can't seem to form the right words. My words escape me as my mind has walked away years ago. I can't understand why, I feel as though I have to have someone guiding me as though I'm a child. I can't seem to function the way I need to in this hypocrite and selfish society. Slowly letting this darkness seep into me. I can't think straight. It's getting harder and harder to decipher which emotion I am feeling. So in the end I only feel numb, alone, scared and stupid. Feels as though I can't take this thing called life anymore and handle nor tackle it mindfully. The more I sit in this silence the more it makes my thoughts swirl into a haze. I don't want to feel no more. I want to be numb; I don't want this pain and heartache anymore. I want to just slip away into myself, into this silence, darkness where I'll forever walk all alone by myself. This silence is capturing my heart and my very soul as though it feels and the essence of who I really am.

Life

The new year was supposed to be a new beginning for me after the stuff I went through the previous year. But a month in, I am already loosing hope about this year too. I am currently taking a gap year to redo a competitive exam and the stress is talking a huge toll on me. I feel like I am constantly walking on egg shells.  I cannot bare to be in a room with my thoughts and myself. I have started resenting all forms of affection and care that people try to give me because a part of me believes that I do not deserve the good things in life. It may sound dramatic, but I genuinely feel like people around me would be better off without me. I wanted to improve my mental health so badly, but as of now I can't help but feel as if it is a huge waste of time for someone as purposeless as me. I don't know where to go from here and feel as like I am drowning in the world and all of its contents.

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts