I just need to be heard ..... i want to scream my lungs out i wanna let em know i am tired but i dont have the heart to disappoint soo many eager faces who think i am some1 which i am not.

But i owe them everything. I dont know how i am handling myself

Ouuh if you want we can talk more about it elaboratively and I might be of some help to you , only if you're comfortable

So just speak yourself up,  sometimes all we need is to let people know that who we really are so they stop expecting and also most importantly don't think about what others want from you or expect from you the only thing.that matters is what you want.

Depression

Why do i keep smiling and laughing when im around my friends and family but break down at night when no ones watching.
Why do i feel so lonely even though i have friends and family.
Why do i feel so selfish?
I have no one to talk to anymore. Everyone is going on happily with their life.
If i keep bottling these emotions up i think one day i might not be able to take it anymore.
! keep crying to myself for hours before i go to sleep.
I keep getting low grades in school and i know im a dissapointment even though my parents keep telling me im not.
I don't want my friends empathy and my parents support. I just want to be ok.
do i have depression?

So, where do i even begin? I dont know if any of you can relate. But every single day i’m realizing that oh i hit the rock bottom and the next day, i am falling even below. I had a fight with my family, isolated myself for 3 days didnt eat or sleep much. Didn’t talk to any of my friends. Keep punishing myself and them. And finally on the fourth day when i am starting to recover a little and i told my friends what happened, no fucks were given! And those were friends i trusted, like when you’re 22 you have friends like family. So, rn, i am realizing i’m all alone, in this world. Because my family pushed me away and i pushed them even far.

Family

Feeling sad suddenly with severe breakdown and have no motivation now 

I wish I could hide from the world. 

3am Thoughts

I feel like a bird put in a cage 
Wings cut off ...
Just because food and some love is showered on time 
Not ready to grow wings
Hurting myself by plucking my own wings....
Scared about falling and other elements and not giving up the warmth...


I want to share these things if someone could help me out to handle this. I have severe OCD, even though I have been diagnosed for the past three years. Still 1 am not seeing any improvement. But whenever the doctor asks me how I am feeling, by that time i feel i am fine. Do it After returning home, especially when i am alone or no one sees me, i behave like mad.
These are my symptoms I am facing i am always scared Or god or any devotional thing (either it is pic, or Songi hear, any temple near my place). i feel like my sitting or lying position Is directed towards any temple or god pictures..etc..so 1 Can't sit or lay down properly for more than second... slaps me and then Sit again.. Won't be satisfied. again gets up and slaps me and sits..again repeat the same thing too many times till i feel like crying. whenever i read a Book or watching tv or sitting idle or doing some office work, all of a sudden i get the god/ goddess pictures flashes in my mind. and immediately i imagine them nude and their private parts or having sex each other, even sometimes with me too.- so i feel guilty and stand on my reet and slaps myself and asking for forgiveness and crying and begging excuse of my sinful thoughts - and i don't be satisfied by doing this once or twice. I do it repeatedly till i get tired and always get thoughts of spitting on the god pics, always want to kick them with my feet - immediately i realized it and again asking for excUse repeatedly. I Heard in my childhood that 'Sani Dev' is the powerful god and punish us for any sinful acts. I always remembers the name sani' prompting that Sani, Sani, .if i want to do anything, i immediately get a thought of 'if i st like this, Sani will attack, if i do like that Sani will come...if i drink water, Sani, It i don't read this, Sani and i keep changing my positions, directions, repeatedly.. and i wanted to wash my legs properly and if i don't wash properly, 'Sani' will attack...soi repeatedly wash legs again and again and make sure no gapS.. if a single drop of water fall on my leg or even if i feel wet on any of my leg, i have to wash my legs fully, otherwise Sani.. repeatedly...repeatedly.. It became how severe it is, all my thoughts of God got replaced by Sani.. Yes... I am getting thoughts of spitting on Sani, Abusing Sani with bad words, having sexual thoughts with sani... feel like if i get some thoughts of any other god like this, somehow could ask for forgiveness and relief. But getting
 these thoughts on Sani Dev are like hell to me... I really don't know how to pray how much I should beg for my abnormal thoughts. And thinking about over cleaning repeatedly washing hands .especially when Iam in periods, I literally change my dress at least 5 to 6 times in a day and even though if i wash my hands face properly, still i get the doubts like if there is any stain earlie..and i shouldn't touch there, my clothes shouldn't Touch there, so immediately remove that dress and 1 shouldn't be touched by myself by those clothes, so i wash repeatedly again and again.. I can't stop washing Tany water arops spll over irom the wash basin,, AlsO I repeatedly clean the things lIke chair,sofa..etc. thinking that my period stains touch that place, if i place my mobile or any object by mistake at that place, i do wash them TOo repeatedly.. even clean the things though they are not touching directly also..Ike It should be cleaned or any other object which is in contact of any other object that again which is in contact of that used clothes or anything like a chain (though there are no stains at all. am really tired of doing all these things on the whole day, i am unable to sleep properly, feeling to commit suicide, whenever i see high buildings, places...i desperately wanted to jump over it.. am still taking the medicines for this, still i am not happy With the treatment. am really fed up of taking pills from so long time and want to stop.. .hats why i am cheating myself and telling that i am Tine to the doctor and to my husband (he literally frustrated with me, he is getting angry if i tell him that still i have problem or it i am not fine)..
I always want to punish myself for my thoughts, Scared of each and every moment in my life, scared of the next minute of my life thinking something bad may happen...it is disturbing my work life, personal and family life.. Please help... please help..

Mental Illness

Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness

Vulnerability is the cornerstone of confidence.

Motivation

how could you say im useless? how could you. and how could you get someone who loves me most to agree? you post shit about me online and can't say it to my face. i loved you. 

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts