Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I just felt like writing , I watched a film with Michael Douglas called Falling down and the ending is a way I’d like to finish what iv already seen in life … I’m trying to keep my patience and move forward but keep feeling very low I dreamed a very vivid dream this morning I was yelling at my mum not to laugh at me I woke myself up by shouting and got back with my ex gf who dumped me again and woke up in someone else’s house someone I know and even in the dream they where asking about my depression and it was just so very werid and long sometimes I feel great but so many triggers remind me how bad I feel I’m safe in my room but sometimes it seems so plain like there’s no where to go no one to talk too , I shouldn’t be dating but I really want someone and I wish I was asexual or could just be happy being alone I have a great family but I still can’t help it thinking about my child I miss him and can’t get over my dad and step mum who live across the road from me gets to see him got to se his first foot steps got to hear his first words , I walk down the highstreet and see my dad and he looks away from me he left me as a child but yet gets to make out he’s more off a father to my child then he ever was with me I needed him growing up was so lost trying to grow up into a confident man but I’ve never had confidence in my whole entire life I feel very sad as I’m writing now and even more sad knowing I can’t end my life without it hurting I feel stuck and feel there are to many problems that have happened in my short life that any doctor wouldnt believe all I want is someone to talk to someone to love me and to be successful successful in helping people like me but the truth is I can’t help myself I don’t think I ever can so how will I ever be able to help others there seems to be a circle that leads to nowhere apart from waiting for a magician to make these feelings go away when the truth is I can only make my self better and happy with what I have which most don’t and it just makes me feel guilty knowing there’s people out there who would give anything to have my life and they would live it , I don’t seem to be living I’m waiting and it’s just horrible trying to get through the days without feeling so useless and empty … my brother was talking about cleaning cars down at chertsey train station 9 hours 5 days a week and I was battling myself trying to make it right inside my head but kept having visions of my dad pulling up in his van or step brother or ex gf or bullies who have made a life for themselves pull up to see me cleaning there car like cleaning the crap of there shoes . I have a place to stay I have food I have tv and a really nice room but I just wish I had my family my child mother of my child if she was not so easily manipulated and our own place … when he was born I felt like a man I felt my self wanting to step up and be everything to my child everything more then my dad ever was but instead him and his wife stole them both away from me stole them In a war that’s been going on since I was a child and I’m still living down the same street as them it’s very messy it’s confusing and it’s the most hardest thing I’m trying to accept in life thinking maybe Its a test maybe I did something wrong in this life or the past to have me punished this way , I really want things to start working for me I want to feel whole and real and confident but these mental scars are so overwhelming I just don’t know where to put it all Soo I guess iv just put them all here , i just needed to do it just needed to write I just wish I didn’t have to .