I have this little feeling on the center of my chest, a tiny ball of darkness that releases negative emotions when I want to be better and becomes a black hole to my emotions to make me not feel: sucks me until I’m empty, until I feel empty.
Earlier this year I felt alive, more than anything else for the first time in my trayectory in life. Was very in tune with myself, and I could feel my emotions clearly and understanding myself in ways I didn’t know it was possible.
I had the opportunity to start school again after “abandoning” it in 2020, and I decided to do so doing two years of it at the same time. I warned myself about how the educational system treated me and people in general, that I have to know better and don’t let it dominate me and my life like I did years prior, where it left me very helpless and depressed. Big challenge, it really putted me to test even now. I started good, because now with another mentality I understood things better and trying to enjoy it the best way I could. School is important to me because it’s really the only thing that can get me a good job and let me out of my country, which I desire very much. So if you can’t beat them, join them like the quote says. If I have to do this, at least I will find a way that I can enjoy it even a little.
It was going well, yet it really was a bigger challenge than I expected. I managed to almost finish the year I skipped while also maintaining the year I’m currently doing (due to the whole pandemic situation, the system has been changed to give those who did bad last year another opportunity), but at the start of june things starting to fall on me mentally. I really pushed myself when I started to feel quite tired and with low energy by trying to resolve what was the problem within myself. Why do I feel like this? How did it happen? What can I do to myself or to my actions to accept it and resolve it? Things like that. It helps me to understand what’s going on to me in a clear way and impulses me to work on it. Even rationalizing and seeing what were the problems causing this, aside from the pressure of the school and every-day things, I couldn’t help but feel like that wasn’t it. It wasn’t enough to point it out, even when I resolved some of them, it didn’t click like it did before. I continued, I kept going, but it eventually catched me to a point I was avoiding to get since I was working on myself for a year now: laying on bed all day, having no motivation or a pursue to keep whatsoever, repeating my ol’ bad habits like scrolling to social media to entertain me.
I didn’t get it. Why was this feeling lingering? Why, even after time has passed and I resolved everything I could, was this speechless sentiment trying to put me down? There was no reason. No past was hunting me, no present was hurting me. What was it?
Nothing. It was nothing. I understood, after layers and layers of things hiding it, it was nothingness. That tiny ball that doesn’t want to understand, doesn’t rationalize with me, it just stays and tells me to not do it. Don’t do anything. Be nothing. The thing putting me down these years, justifying it’s existence by things and situations of the past and present, was this little ball that it’s attached to all of my insides.
Thankfully I’m not in a bad situation compared to other years, which I’m really thankfull to myself for holding on and wanting to keep going. The work I did on myself wasn’t in vain, because I might be weak to the feeling but not on my life which I dear the most. Now I see you, now I comprehend what were those thoughts you wanted to feed me and make me miserable. You took the opportunity of my tiredness and spread yourself to me, making opaque my feelings and thoughts of trying to put myself back together.
It’s hard, life is hard and I understand. My situation is very particular and it might not seen as much, but it does feel like so. I know for experiences if I dismiss it because “it’s not that bad” “it can be worse” or ignore things like this, it will eventually consume me whole. Would like to not have to work myself through that again it takes some time to get out of it thank you very much.
Now? Can’t fight the feeling, impossible to trying to control feelings in general. I have to accept it, and understand that what I’m doing to get better is not wrong like it says so. Thoughts and feelings come and go, and I know it eventually will not be strong enough to maintain itself for a while. I have… a lot to do in school yet. I want to not get myself too detached from me and the things that fulfill me whatsoever, so I’m finding a solution to balance out my life and things. For now, I have keep going and align myself with myself. It’s not too late, I have time. I’m capable and I can do it. Will have to be a little tough with myself and my impulses, so work has to be done. If a thing has helped me, is my tool of rationalization and positivity; I will not defraud myself, I have bigger things I want and I’m going to do. I will keep going.