***Trigger Warning***
I have spoken with army recruiters and i intend to join and get myself killed in order to leave behind a legacy better than suicide to my family and peers.
 
I have failed two attempts nobody knows about and I'm thinking at best, i learn something there and maybe don't go through with whatever it is i do.

You're trying. Trying to do a good thing, trying to serve your country, trying to be bigger and better than your situations or over-powering feelings. I salute you. 

U are amazing for serving for ur country and all the pain is gonna pay u off angel.

Mental Health

Bore ho rha muje 
Pran nhi legi mere 😮‍💨 
Kha gya tera gussa 

Memories

Why can't you sleep at night? There must be a reason 

3am Thoughts

A game is not lost when you lose the king or queen 
It's lost when you lose hope 
Yoiu can always come back with a better and new strategy just make sure you don't loose yourself
Sometimes even a single pawn can make you win the game

Today I'm feeling so lonely the girl whom I love is not active since the last 72 hours due to her mobile damage. We use to talk from 6 AM gm text to 1/2 AM gn text.  I'm too much attached to her even she doesn't say yet she loves me I'm missing her a lot its been 3 days since our last talk I can't meet her or talk to her there is no way to communicate with her.

Lonely

So, I'm not sure if any of this is going to make sense, but I'm just going to write everything out to see if it does lol. If anyone gets this, or has been through it, I would love to know how you got through it. So, as stated before in my previous thoughts, I've been feeling empty these past couple of months. I even started cutting myself again to see if I can feel anything, and I can. However, my cuts aren't like other peoples. I don't draw blood. I mostly just scratch myself with something sharp enough to feel a little pain but dull enough not open flesh (so sorry if this is deeply disturbing to some, but I just need to talk without my therapist trying to send me to a mental hospital). The scratched feel good, they don't really hurt. They do leave scars though which is unfortunate. Back to the emptiness, I just feel empty. Like I don't really have a soul anymore. I don't care about anything. I've become pretty reckless. For example, I take medicine to put my to sleep, like many people do. I usually triple my dose because I want to be knocked out. After I take the medicine I drink some alcohol. Now, I'm not trying to kill myself and I know that's what it seems like, but I just like feeling the side affects of the medicine and the alcohol makes those symptoms bigger if that makes sense. At the same time, I know that's a dangerous, and a part of me wouldn't mind if I just didn't wake up. Another example is like when I'm going to work. I speed like everyone else lol but sometimes Ill swerve in and out of traffic, being very close to hitting a car and cutting someone else and they almost hitting me. Or going so fast when I get off the highway or turning that I might drift and hit the guardrail or go over a cliff. It's not that I'm intentionally trying to kill myself, but I also don't care to put myself in a situation where I could die. I don't care how anyone would feel about anything anymore. I used to care very deeply. Everyone's emotions and feelings mattered so much to me but they don't anymore. I don't care how my family or friends would feel if I just left the earth. Honestly, I feel like my dad would be mad that he has to pay for a funeral, if I were to even get that, and his reputation. He wouldn't really care that I'm dead. He would care that now he has no one to push over, or take serve him like his slave, or to take advantage of and take their money. He'd worry about what everyone is thinking about him and the money that'll come out of his pocket for a funeral. And possibly the time he'd have to take out of his day to plan the shit. Even after saying all this, I am terrified of death. I don't know what comes after this. Is it just blackness? Fire? Heaven? Do we get reincarnated into an animal? Or when I die, will I just see bright lights again while I come out of a womb and the horrible cycle continues? Like what happens? Would we even remember that we were who we were ? I don't know. But at the same time, wouldn't death be better than reliving a nightmare for the rest of your life? This doesn't get better. It wont get better. I've been living like this for 12 years now. Its never going to change I will never change. My thought process will never change I will always feel like this, think like this, do the things I do for the rest of my life. People say that it's a selfish thing, to kill yourself and leave your friends and family behind to mourn you. But how is it not selfish to want to keep someone alive while they're going through so much pain? How is it not selfish to want someone not kill themselves so it can make you feel better in the long run? I never understood that. How can you call someone selfish for doing that when you're doing the same thing? You want someone to stay alive for your benefit, not theirs. It's to make you feel better, comfortable, content, happy..at the end of the day that person still feels like their living in their own personal Hell. Sorry for the length of this, but this has just been weighing on my mind for a few years now. If anyone reads this, I appreciate the time you take out of your day to do so. Have a nice night/day everyone. 

Suicidal Ideation

My ex's birthday is on august 19...
Should i wish him ? 
This is the first time in 3 years 
And we are not together on his birthday yk
I am just 🤷‍♀️

So the thing is I and my ex were in long distance relationship but he kept insisting me that he would be in another relation cause he was feeling alone without gf .but i denied.but he kept with her ex and one day her ex slanged me horribly so i decided to cut ties off with him .it's been over a year but he came to my state and now saying he'll go to my parents I don't know what to do my family will be in huge problem .i have my exams next month😖

ADHD

People be falling in love here without seeing his/her face... But that's great hope you don't fall out of it ☺️

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts