I have mom issues…have been living with my mom for 36 years…we cant stay away nor stay together…she is a narcissist…its her way or the highway…my self respect is wounded and I am dying a hundred deaths…she has literally embarrassed me a zillions times…she is very helpful ,but later talks about it…she is now a part of me which I can never ignore…I cant stay away now as she is old and I will feel guilty about it…what should I be doing…
Talk to her. I think you two lack communication, you really need to tell her how hurt or how bad you feel after her saying or doing things that make you upset. There should be emotional balance where both of you should be supporting each-other.
The only thing I can think of is to aim to do equal to and better than what she expects. So you can feel like you are conforming to your standard more so than hers. I imagine she is frustrated herself and dumps it on you, because you are much like her and you know we beat ourselves up. Maybe try to make her feel good about herself somehow, break barriers of closeness that you maybe have always felt inside but never been able to express (I have not done this and I have felt that I should my whole life, I have held back immense love because of fear), often it is either the depths of love that is so scary or it diverts to being mean, brutal even, it is that fine line thing. Sorry if that isn’t much help, that can be so frustrating, remember, you are doing the right thing and feeling bad about leaving her shows your heart, try to get to a deeper fundamental state of companionship with her, it is so very hard though but I notice you are very self-conscious and loving and that is heart warming to see.
It is very hard when parents can’t accept their kids one day will grow up and have their own lives. Some people in fact only have children because they are afraid of being alone and think the kid will take care of them forever. You can love her, visit her, help her but still have your own independent life as an adult otherwise you will both blame each other forever.
My heart goes out to you. Having a mother who has NPD is a horrific, heart and gut wrenching, life long nightmare. I am so sorry that you are experiencing this. I’d be happy to talk with you if you don’t mind being more specific about what it is that you should be doing about?