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Anonymous

I have lost my 8 month baby in a miscarriage. Though my husband is supportive and caring. It’s like a unending pain and sadness. I don’t know how to come out of it.

2 Comments

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Hey There Anon,
I know it’s hard for you, especially since you were so far along. It’s the kind of grief that never really goes away but one that I suppose you learn to live with.

My mother lost one of her babies at 7 months. And that’s how this website was truly started. She felt she was alone at that time. But miscarriages are awfully common. Almost 1 in 5 pregnancies.

I don’t know if it is wise but if you have seen the show ‘This is us’? The protagonists Jack and his wife Rebecca also lose one of their babies at the time of delivery.

This is how the dialogue with their doctor looked like:

“She lost a baby, Jack, you can’t just dismiss that,” Dr. K responds.

Jack, “So did I.”

Dr. K, “Yes, and you took your grief and channeled it into action. You willed yourself forward through positivity. But Rebecca, she’s going to have to do this in her own way and you’re going to have to give her the space to do it.”

“What if she doesn’t find her way?”

“She will.”

“How do you know?”

“For the same reason I know you’re going to give her the space to find it.”

Dr. K hits at a few core themes of grief in this short back and forth. The need to acknowledge the loss, sit with it, learn to talk about it, and find one’s own path forward. Never forgetting or “moving on” but searching one’s life to find the core components that survived the crash of the immediate loss and rebuilding from there.

Dr. K’s words also touch on a core paradox of grief – it is both shared and extremely individualized.

“Time waits for no man. Time heals all wounds. All any of us can want is more time. Time to stand up. Time to grow up. Time to let go.” Grief is not linear nor is it binary. It is not quick or painless and there is not a magic bullet. But with time, everything gets a little bit better. ❤️

I’m with you dear anon, and I hope the pain lessens over time.

Anonymous

Hey there! I know what it feels like to loose a part of yourself. But maybe, we don’t decide everything. Maybe that baby would face immense trouble if it was born. Some holy books say and claim that unborn babies escape if it is not the right time or place for them, God takes them back to him so that neither the baby nor the parents have to face worse things. God knows what is best for us. He will take care of that soul. I had an abortion and I am still in the guilt of it, but one thing keeping me alive is faith that God will take care of that soul better than I would.