I have flat emotions , depressed state of mind, low self esteem,poor social interaction. I found out that , I’m suffering from schizoid personality disorder…All the data about this disorder exactly suits me…I hv also done some online psychiatric tests for this and examined as severe SPD. My childhood was bad. My parents didn’t take care of me…Or expressed any kind of love or affection. I am a victim of emotional and verbal abuse from my mother. She never talked to me expect insulting me.My parents never appreciated me. I used to be alone everytime. I hate to be with everyone. I have only few friends…I can’t manage a relationship for long. Friendships are really short term for me. I like not to speak to anyone. I hate parties and gatherings. I have a fear of crowd. I can’t drive through crowded places. In my growing stage, when I see someone passing by or coming home…I will run to hide. Even now, I hide myself when I see someone approaching. I’m a victim of neglect. I still remember that.When I was studying in lower grades, I used to explain the school things to my mother. But she always neglected me…sometimes she even yelled at me to stop talking… Gradually I stop talking to her. I don’t know when I stopped talking. After that I didn’t spoke to my parents apart from necessary things.So, now I know from childhood itself I suffered a lot. I was jealous and sad at the same time, when I see mothers consoling and caring their children. Also, my mother mistreated my friends also, when they come home. So during my school and college days, I was afraid to invite my friends to my home. My father cared me when I’m sick. I’m grateful for that. But my mother won’t. I don’t have any affection or bonding with her. She always treated me with abusive words, which made my self confidence to zero.I don’t have life goals or ambitions. I was in a complete blank situation, after completing my school. Now, I know what I have become. I don’t know what to do in my life. I don’t know how to live. So, when I suffer from insomnia and severe mental pain i think about ending my life. But I don’t know whether I’m right or not? This is me.
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