I have depression since 5 years , but it is not like i am sad all the time , i laugh at jokes too , i am the same person for people outside my bubble , but late at nights i get this pain in my chest and my heart and it is a very sharp like someone is poking it with a needle , i don’t know how but sometimes i get triggered by my depression in public or even when i am around people .
I just , just want to disappear bcz i know it wouldn’t affect anyone nor would anyone care ,
i really love my mom but i was physically abused by her all my childhood i still remember the way she called me a slut and some really horrible words when i was only 10 year old or beat me till it didn’t affect me anymore , but i don’t understand how does she not remember when i confront her today at the age of 18 , it makes me sad and physically and mentally sick !
how do i trust people when the only thing i have ever experienced is a backstab from the people once most closest to me
I am done , i am tired , i am …i don’t even know anymore what i am
Hey! I am extremely sorry that you had to go through that. See, depression isn’t something which is very visible. You could be crying rivers inside, and be laughing on the outside. You are not alone, I can understand what you feel and I wanna tell you how strong you are and how proud I am of you for being who you are.
I am here for you, here is a link of some people which I think could help you in a better way:
https://nowandme.com/resources/experts
Take care, you got this!! <3
Ujjwal @ubrdj
Post reviewing everything you have shared I have the following for you…This may be long so bear with me🙏🙏
1) No one can remain positive everytime, there are depressive/low phases for everyone and that can happen at any time of the day…The only difference is how they can distract themselves and focus on what’s in their control and act accordingly!! Not an easy task but this happens gradually when one realises the fact that self-love and self-acceptance are only needed and important than acceptance & approval from other individuals. People aren’t happy and do not like themselves or accept their own flaws why do you want their approval??
2) You stated you love your Mom but she must have said something bad that she doesn’t remember now… Honestly I don’t know you or your mom personally and can’t comment on your respective natures based on a specific incidence…still it can happen that someone said something during an argument which is termed as heat of the moment(which came out unintentionally) which that person does regret, so doesn’t bring it out ever again
so that it doesn’t hurt anyone any longer.
3) You have great scores in your school and you feel that it doesn’t make your parents happy?? Are you yourself happy with it or you are doing things to make people around you happy?? I couldn’t find any reference of what you like the most and what’s your dream job, profession or hobby which will make you happy from inside irrespective of what people think or do.
4) I could make out from your posts that you are approx 18(below 20)…It’s a well known fact that if you are not losing friends growing up you aren’t growing up at all. This happens with everyone…no one will stay with you forever, they will play their part in the story of your life and you need to play yours and focus on yourself and start respecting and loving yourself before expecting it from others. You won’t understand this instantly but as life moves on you’ll get the importance of this.
5) Regarding bullying and calling names, it shows how the people around you are born and brought up, their thought process, the split-personalities they have
(behaving differently online and offline or in presence of certain people)…Why is there a need to see yourself from others eyes or perspectives when they themselves have closed-minds which may or may not fully develop ever. Why are people and their opinions more important when they don’t live your life or walk your path of life?? If you can give them so much importance why can’t you take that importance back and give them an earful so that they never have the audacity to repeat it with anyone ever again!!
You may have met backstabbers but not everyone is the same…just thinking about people who did wrong will only reduce your chances on meeting genuine or good people as you get what you focus on!!
To sum it up I just wish you start focusing on yourself, love yourself, pamper yourself, do what you love and wish to do life!!
People aren’t happy with themselves and you can’t make everyone happy until you yourself are happy…simple formula during an emergency in a flight you must put your oxygen mask first and then help or focus on others!! You can work on yourself and cannot control what other people do as it’s their Karma!! When the time is right Karma will strike as Karma has everyones’ address even if they are homeless!!
There are many people here on this platform and otherwise who can give you advise but it’s your call to take action…People can help you but it will work only when you let go off whatever happened in past and things won’t always be the same…things will change when you change your perspective!!
Take care and stay blessed!!
damnn !! First of all i really wanna thank you , and i am so sorry if i’m boring you with this bcz i’ve basically ranted in the upcoming things , this was 1000% an eye opener for me about the fact not letting someone else’s opinion matter anymore .
The thing about my Mom it didn’t happen once it happened for years , she called me that word and other hurtful things for several years and i know she remembers, she just does not want to accept it bcz it will make her look like a bad person
And , yeah , I am 18 , I have raised my voice every time when my classmates bullied me but my voice was always unheard off bcz the more i spoke the more they continued and it made me think , how cruel could people be , just to entertain themselves they called out others , it was that age around 14-15 where I was not really mature (well even now i am not ) so everything did affect me and that took a total toll on me and that was when i started self harming myself .
TBH , now when people say something to me , it does not affect me much but we all are humans , deep down we all do !
I don’t want this all to affect me and i try so hard , i like enjoying life too , i love swimming though , like that is something i went to if i wanted to free my mind , i even won and have my personal best time in division level.
The thing about studies is , my family is someone who measures the capacity of a child by comparing it with others in the family , so even when i did get those percentage i expected them to say that they were proud of me like any other parent would , but , all i got was “you could have done better !!” That really hurt me , i did everything i could to make them happy and this is what i get to hear in return . My mental health deteriorated this year , i finished my 12th this year , I am taking a drop rn for NEET bcz i didn’t score enough to get into my desired clg , and now all i hear at home from every single relative and even my parents is that i did not give my 100% in my studies for 12th even when i did score 93% !!
IDK if you would relate to it , but it so frustrating when i gave my all in and i daily hear those taunts from them , i breakdown every single time hearing that ! I can’t even type without shedding a tear rn.
I am really sorry for making you read all of it , i just wanted to take it out as i basically have no one to say this too , this site is really spc for me.
Take care and you too stay strong !
Ujjwal @ubrdj
Let’s go from bottom to top on your reply so that I don’t miss anything (if I do please prompt it)
No need to be sorry as you are actually using the platform for what it is meant for i.e. speaking your heart out and that’s completely fine!!
Regarding your career and taking a break…you know what’s right for you and if you wish for more time to prepare and appear for the exam it’s the best because eventually no amount of grades or degrees can measure your potential!! They are good for only getting you an admission in a course or eligible to apply for something!!
I have myself topped during my academic career be it school, grads or post grads… getting grades was never an issue for me and I never did that to make anyone happy as I’m not selling ice-creams or pizzas that can make majority of the people happy… Regarding taking breaks and disappearing for a while it’s completely fine as you want to be the real you/being at atleast 100% of your potential and working on what you want to achieve… Won’t go far away I’m on my second career break as of now due to my responsibilities towards my family…The first was post my grads and the second is now post two years of corporate experience (I knew I wasn’t meant for it but still gave it a try to gain experience).
Now about your parents not being happy, may be they aren’t sharing it correctly or doing it deliberately so that you put it in more efforts to the best you can do…But that doesn’t mean that you get disheartened but do what’s mandatory and not pressurise yourself(as you mentioned ultimately you’re a human being😁)
Regarding comparison with other people of same age and you can do better stuff!!
You just need to know that no one has the same life everyone has their own ups and downs so comparing life with others is the most stupidest thing ever to do!! Comparison should only be when the individuals have equal fulfillment of social, emotional and physical needs, not even a minute difference…
The way your parents function is on the basis of they have been conditioned over the years… whatever has been feeded in their sub-concious minds and you may or may not relate to it(as you both are human beings 😁 not robos) and it’s always great to put up your perspective and disagree in case you don’t like anything…
Humans learn from their own mistakes but I’ll give you a holy grail now start learning from the mistakes of people around you as well as life isn’t meant for making mistakes yourself and learning… There maybe people in this world whom you admire or want to be like(may be some specific characteristics only)…you can also learn from people you don’t like so that you don’t become like them and make world a better place!! Talking about relatives🐒 Consider only the ones with whom you can relate to at an emotional level who can really understand you rest everyone is just a troll disguised as a fan(you’ll gradually understand who’s who once you understand how their mind functions)
It’s generally said that listen to whatever people say from one ear and throw it out of the other…as per me don’t let anything even enter your right or left ear when you know it’s coming from a worthless person who himself/herself hasn’t done anything.
You are too mature for your age and I’ll be happy to see how wise you’ll be in the coming years if you focus on yourself
Everyone will give you advise but you must decide who’s worthy and only those who have been through similar situations can give you proper insights…so now you have an answer for people who give you unwanted advise or suggestions if they themselves haven’t experienced it!!
You should do what you love and get pleasure in if it’s swimming or any other activity and take your time to recharge your batteries and make a comeback 😉
Won’t talk much about the bullies or idiots as I have already discussed it earlier just that no one break you down until you allow them to or give them power to do so…Such people are themselves full of insecurities and just to hide their fears they tend to such abnormal behaviour.
Well my last piece of advise for now(I know I’m good at writing long essays 🤭)
For making yourself happy and gaining wisdom you can follow a Sufi artist named Satinder Sartaaj(not sure you understand Punjabi completely) That’s my escape from this world that’s rushing in the rate race and showing off materialistic accomplishments…Well if you start at this young age you can do wonders!! If needed I can even suggest something that you can start with(it’s all over youtube)
In case you wish to meet a professional for your depression I’ll be glad to refer you to one of the best I know and he can surely help you out (only if you want)
Take good care of yourself, take proper rest whenever needed!!
Stay blessed 🙏 And sorry if you don’t like anything stated above!! I don’t feel there’s anything offensive!!
No , nothing was offensive , and Thank you for sharing your insights , i do like to listen and watch BTS (kpop band) …
And yeahh i’ll take def follow the advices you gave and you sure know how to write long essays😂
Thanks again and Take care
Ujjwal @ubrdj
My essays are based on my life experiences and can help a lot of people…Just that it needs a thorough read and understanding!!
All the best👍
