Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

i have been dealing with depression for probably 5 years atleast. now I havent actually done anything to fix it. never confronted it, never sought help. I just hid from it my few littlle comfort. hid myself from the world. so one would say I ahve been stagnant for these years. no real growth. my biggest support was my gf. she was all i cared about. didnt care about anything else. not even my self. but it came to the ppoint where it seems her feelings changed. after 7 years. and the distance wasnt making it better especially with covid. but i wouldve never expected this betrayal. i saw the signs but i didnt want to admit it. because i thought she cared about me most in this world. she wouldnt make up her mind with what she wanted with the relationship. i asked her time and time again if she wanted to break up. she keeps telling me she thinks that would be a mistake. she will tell me she still wants me so i stayed, because i had nothing else. I come to find out she is getting rather comfy with another guy. and she kept feeding me the excuse that its just a friend. i put my foot down one day. told her you cant do this. not when you are in a relationship, if you want this you have to stop. but im not forcing you. she accepts it and agrees. then suddenly ignores me for days and then when she finally says something is that she needs space. i say ok. i keep making step backs for her. for months i have been putting myself through misery because of her. then i notice she back at it again with the guy. after what we just dicussed. i snapped. i was ready for it to end. she comes back stating shes not cheating me if thats what i think. i told her i was ready for it to end. does she want to end it, does she want to be with the guy. she said she guesses hes more important than she thought but she just enjoys the friendship. and that she still wants to be with me. and like an idiot, i folded once again. but before we ended that discussion, i said to her what if he made a move, and ask that you leave me for him. here with a patronzing response, she pretends has if she has any integrity. she states that is very unrealistic of me to even say that. she would never leave her relationship for the friend. and funny enough she says she wouldnt even want to associate with someone like that. i said my final piece, pls dont do that. that will break me. im fragile i know. i dont want to be that way but i am. she claims she would never. fast forward, i take a 5 hr flight to another state to take an exam for her. come back. we got into altercation. she says she needed space. i gave her space. week later she ignores me still. so i think maybe 2 weeks is fine. near the 2 week mark i contacted her. can we talk. wnated to share what was on my mind. that i myself need to take a step back because im too attached to her and i fear getting hurt. not to end it but i wont force her to spend time with me(which was extremely difficult). she says wait after i say my first few words. and that she guesses she has something to say. like she didnt plan to say it in the first place. i say ok. waited. still no message. but my gut told me what it is. so i said it for her. for the coward. are you breaking up with me? she said yes. i said why, is it because of the guy? she said yes. and im like wait are you in a relationship with him. she said yes. he iniated it. she accepted. im just shockd. why would you do that. why wouldnt u go about it that way. all she had to say it happens. as if its no big deal. as if i was nothing to her. so i snapped. i broke. she showed no care or remorse. i wanted her to feel my pain. i cursed her out, i told her to remove our photos on our social media accounts. the girl had the nerve to eb in a new relationship and try to keep it undercover. i was disgusted. i was hurt. i was lost. i was drinking. i got very desturctive. harrassed a bit more. called her names. she folded long before from the altercation. she is weak when it comes to confrontation. i tried to get rid of the pain. but this didnt help. eventually i gave up, more broken than ever. everyday i think about the whole situation. i cant feel anymore happy feelings. i feel dead inside. every day i think about killing myself. on a few occasions i was rather close to doing it. i fear i may actually one day if i am still in this state. nothing in life interests me anymore. i jut want to stop feeling