I feel very weird and that there's something terribly wrong with me, i don't deserve friends or any kind of close interaction with anyone.

I'm sorry to hear that. May I know what mental ailment you're going through? It must be hard dealing with it. It's okay to not have many friends. You'll get friends who match your vibes soon one day. What's making you believe that you're weird?

A lot of things, I am over 30 and don't really have many friends and I am weird cause of mental illness.

Schziophrenia, i don't know, i just feel I am a weirdo and no good to anyone 

Feeling confused , strange , my father is having fever from 5 days its a not happy state for me but i am trying to be suttle, to be positive as much i can still there is tension in my mind for him that when will he will recover and our life will become normal again ... need to be strong in this time for my father for myself .. i am trying my best but need someone to whom i can talk 
I am feeling for crying and crying

It hurts, it hurts so bad, i really wanna die rn, i am so much tired of everything and everyone, i cant deal with this. I really want to die

3am Thoughts

Hi ya'll.

 I just had some moment of clarity today and it was depressing as hell to me so I am sharing it with you. So here is my story. I was born after my parents lost their first baby girl due to some complications during labour. As every stereotypical family in the 90s my dad and his side of the family always wanted a son but they were just happy to have me because I was a rainbow baby. 

My dad loved and still loves children and I was very much cherished until my sibling was born (i was 6 at that time), another girl. He wasnt very accepting to the situation but later on he was alright since we were his children only. But gradually as my sister was growing up I was unknowingly neglected. Not that I noticed it or I blame anyone for it but the things that followed were not pleasant for me.

Roughly 2 yrs later when I was around 8 I suffered a trauma in the form of molestation/sexual abuse for a while in my own house. It was by a religious figure/tutor who used to come and teach me 2-3 times a week. I was very scared of him because he was an angry person and threatened me and ofc like other children I wanted to be in his good books so I never understood what was happening nor I told directly to my parents. After months or so I went to a friends house who told me that the same teacher was kicked out from their house because of inappropriate behavior (which she described to me and I came to know that it was happening to me too and this could actually stop). Meanwhile my parents had no idea bcz my dad was in office and my mother was excrutiatingly busy raising my sibling who was a toddler at that time. And lets be honest which parent expects their child to be handed over to a pedophile in the face of a teacher ..that too a spiritual one. 

I was still very scared to tell them the whole truth because I was scared what would happen to me. My perpetrator came to watch me dance and participate in events at school and outside too so I knew he was everywhere and I wasnt safe at all. Anyhow I wanted the reading to stop and also gathered courage to tell my mother during the summer vacation when i had a gap from him. I lied to her at the end saying the degree of inappropriation was pretty less (just looking at me in a weird way and trying to touch me and stuff while the reality was far from it). She was furious at that came to an end. But my trauma did not.


I know this is long so I would post the rest of it later if you want? Please be kind. I really feel low. 



Depression

Hey is anyone else bored like me?🙃

Other people have major reasons for why they do the things they do, like drugs, cutting etc. Nothing life changing or traumatic happened to me, but then why do I feel this way? 

can anyone suggest a mental consolation?

I want to share these things if some one could help me out to handle this.
I have severe OCD, even i have been diagnosed from past three years. Still i am not seeing any improvement. But when ever the doctor asks me how i am feeling, by that time i feel i am fine. But after returned home, especially when i am alone or no one sees me, i behave like mad.
These are my symptoms am facing -
I am always scared of god or any devotional thing (either it is pic, or song i hear, any temple near my place), i feel like my sitting or lying position is directed towards any temple or god pictures..etc..so i cant sit or lay down properly for more than seconds.. i always gets up and slaps me and then sit again..i wont be satisfied.. i again gets up and slaps me and sit…again repeat the same thing too many times till i feel like to cry.
When ever i read a book or watch tv or sitting idle or doing some office work, all of a sudden i get the god/goddess pictures flashes in my mind. and immediately i imagine them nude and their private parts or having sex each other, even some times with me too. —- so i feel guilty and stands on my feet and slaps myself and asking for forgiveness and crying and begging excuse of my sinful thoughts - and i don’t be satisfied by doing this once or twice. I do it repeatedly till i get tired
I always get thoughts of spitting on the god pics, always want to kick them with my feet - immediately i realized it and again asking for excuse repeatedly.
I heard in my child hood that ‘Sani Dev’ is the powerful god and punish us for any sinful acts. I always remembers the name ‘Sani’ prompting that ‘Sani , Sani’, .. if i want to do anything, i immediately get a thought of ‘if i sit like this, Sani will attack, if i do like that Sani will come...if i drink water, Sani, If i don’t read this, Sani’ and i keep changing my positions, directions, repeatedly..
and i wanted to wash my legs properly and if i don’t wash properly, ‘Sani’ will attack..so i repeatedly wash legs again and again and make sure no gaps...if a single drop of water fall on my leg or even if i feel wet on any of my leg, i have to wash my legs fully, otherwise ‘Sani’.. repeatedly...repeatedly..
It became how severe is, all my thoughts of God got replaced by Sani.. Yes..I am getting thoughts of spitting on Sani, Abusing Sani with bad words, having sexual thoughts with Sani..I feel like if i get some thoughts of any other god like this, somehow i could ask for forgiveness and feel relief.. But getting these thoughts on Sani Dev is like a hell to me...i really don’t know how to pray how much i should beg for my abnormal thoughts.
And thinking about over cleaning repeatedly washing hands ..especially when i am in periods, i literally change my dress at least 5 to 6 times in a day and even though if i wash my hands face properly, still i get the doubts like if there is any stain earlier…and i shouldn’t touch there, my clothes shouldn’t touch there, so immediately remove that dress and i shouldn’t be get touched myself by those clothes, so i wash repeatedly again and again… I can’t stop washing if any water drops spill over from the wash basin ,. Also i repeatedly clean the things like chair, sofa…etc. thinking that my period stains touch that place, if i place my mobile or any object by mistake at that place, i do wash them too repeatedly…i even clean the things though they are not touching directly also...like it should be cleaned if any other object which is in contact of any other object that again which is in contact of that used clothes or anything like a chain (though there are no stains at all).
I am really tired of doing all these things on the whole day, i am unable to sleep properly, feeling to commit suicide, whenever i see high buildings, places… i desperately wanted to jump over it..
I am still taking the medicines for this, still i am not happy with the treatment. I am really fed up of taking pills from so long time and want to stop...that’s why i am cheating myself and telling that i am fine to the doctor and to my husband (he literally frustrated with me, he is getting angry if i tell him that still i have problem or if i am not fine)..
I always want to punish myself for my thoughts, scared of each and every moment in my life, scared of the next minute of my life thinking something bad may happen..It is disturbing my work life, personal and family life..
Please help.. please help..


Mental Health

I have serious trust and abandonment issues. How do i deal with it? 

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts