Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I feel very restricted by the people surrounding me, I’d like to be more myself but these people keep making me hate who i am, so when I’m with them I pretend to be a version of myself that i think they will like and i start to feel a lot of self hatred for who i really a bc i was taught to do so. No matter how hard i tell myself to not care about it and just live my life, I’ll never do that, i can’t do that. I’m not capable to live a life for myself and I become so small when i think about that I get consumed by the fear of missing out and regreting everything that i won’t do. Years are flashing by and there’s so much i’d like to be doing but i lie and say “I’m fine with my life this way” I’m not, but i know that me living like this is easier for the ones arround me to handle, they want my life to stay this way and think I’m okay with it bc i have never once been able to express myself properly and stand up for myself. The few times i’ve tried to i have recived a negative response, I was almost there but i was put off by their reaction and it got me back to the begining again. Everytime i feel like im almost there someone makes me feel bad about it, so i just think “oh i see i can never do that, I won’t do it again” I hate that it’s so easy to make me feel like that. I hate that i can’t stay mad at people for long without feeling guilty even if they were the ones to wrong me. I always feel like a bad person even if my brain knows I’m doing nothing wrong, something in me makes me fee a huge sense of guilt for simply wanting to be happy, for not being a replicate of my mother, for just being myself and doing what i personally want.