Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I feel very lonely since a month and I don’t know how to get out of this cycle. It all started from that night when I got so much drunk that I don’t remember most of the part but what I remember is the most horrible part. I had just moved to Pune 5 months back for an internship. The guy who ruined my life also joined as an intern 3 months back.

As I was the only girl from mechanical branch so I hardly got friends at office, so when this guy (let’s name him Ajay) joined I found atleast some company and I really got along with his friends too. We were really close, having lunch together, used to give advice regarding my long-distance relationship problems and what not. Though Ajay and I were in the same department, we all used to meet often. Also, I had shifted to a flat recently and had started cooking, these friends really wanted to have a taste of my cooking so without even a second thought I invited them for a party.

Since they were coming on Saturday night, I thought of making it a bit more fun by including drinks too. As my flatmates were also going to join, I thought it was safe enough plus I already trusted these guys. I had three flatmates and two of them had got their boyfriends along with them and one of them was the one who actually took care of me that night. Well I never even smoked before so that night I thought of trying it and I did. Now just with one cigarette I felt a bit dizzy but I thought I will get sober soon. My boyfriend was really not liking this whole idea of me calling them for drinks at the first place but I fought with him over this telling him he doesn’t trust me so my mobile was taken away from me at the initial stage so that I don’t do something stupid. We started our party on a happy note. Everything was working out fine until I took one neat shot and I realised that I needed some food or else it’s going to be a huge problem. But unfortunately no one was in any mood to cook anything. So, I continued taking a few more shots and I got really high. I remember dancing with everyone.

It was going fine, though I got tipsy and had started losing balance but I kept going on and the last thing I remember is I fell over the sofa and then its morning and I was sleeping on my bed but not alone, I could sense there was some huge beard against my face and slowly I realise Ajay sleeping next to me. I tried pushing him away but this tall, dark, strong guy pulled me inside his chest. Though I was getting sober but didn’t get my strength back so I lay there and turned towards another side. I would admit I was really going through a tough time, trying to adopt a corporate life. Office life was nothing compared to what I had imagined. Every day was a struggle to get up and fight with the world to prove myself and everyone that I can survive there. On top of it, I don’t believe in long distance but I was really trying hard to maintain it and I seriously had no clue what Ajay would do with me in the next few minutes because somehow I just knew he was never into me. He used to always be very distant from me but that day, I suddenly felt his hand on top of my breast first and I really remember clearly, he first tried feeling them over my clothes and slowly he slid his hands inside my shirt. He squeezed them first and suddenly he went inside my bra too and had his time there. The problem is I kept feeling all of it and I never stopped him because I was shocked that if it’s a dream. He didn’t stop after all of this also, he lifted up my shirt and threw my hands over another side to get a few view of my bare body. He then tried to separate my legs but here I resisted because I understood that this is going way beyond what I expected. And I just pretended that I was sleeping because I was just too scared to even react. Within some time his friends came and called him and they left. It has been over a month but this keeps haunting me. I confronted Ajay about all of it but he just kept insisting that he doesn’t even remember doing any of it. Though his friends are the first ones who accepted that he is just saving himself and lying to me. But I don’t know what to do and how to be normal. I have to work with him every day and look at him as if nothing has happened. I asked him to be away from me but I just knew it’s not going to help as it was going to get affect our work and since we both were interns, I was scared to take an extreme step. Along with all this, I am already having a very deep need to always try to get attention because i am just very insecure about myself and my body. I just never stopped him because I wanted to get assurance that people still love me the way i am. I just come from a very broken family where my parents are just separated for more than a decade now and i donno with whom to talk to about all of my feelings. To be honest I don’t feel like living anymore. I’m just very tired of not being able to speak out my heart to anyone and i really can’t find a happy place for myself. I really need someone to just hug and sleep forever.