I feel tired and very sensitive. I feel lonely. Even with the slightest arguments, I feel like dying. No one loves me. I feel like my family is forced to love me because I am their daughter. They do care about me but I don’t feel satisfied. When I think about it, nothing actually happened. But I can’t stop crying. My chest hurts. I feel insecure. I want to die. I feel like I am nothing but a burden to those around me. I am feeling guilty. I want someone to hold me. I want to feel their warmth. My fingers are shaking. If I am not their daughter, then I am sure they would hate me. They would feel disgusted. My mom got covid +ve. So I can’t even go hug her. I am going to get tested tomorrow with my family just in case. I want to get tested positive so that I can hug her. Then I want to die as a patient. Because me committing suicide would burden them even more. I don’t like this world. In fact I hate it. Because people around me don’t like me without a particular reason. I don’t understand. Why do they hate me so much? I haven’t done anything to them which could harm them. Then why? I feel cold. I thought getting addicted to fun things would make me forget the fact that I am alone. But that is not working anymore. By getting addicted to those things, I even disappointed my family. I feel like I am losing my reasoning. The common harsh words from dad and brother are piercing me now. I feel like they are right. I am waste, useless, pain in the ass, crazy and what not? Will I ever find a person who loves me for who I am? Will they let me feel their warmth? Will they let me hug them without feeling disgusted? Will they treat me like a special person? Will I be able bear all this pain till then? I am scared. Even though I am smiling and acting strong on the outside, I feel weak and vulnerable. I am getting all kinds scary and negative thoughts. In all of my recent imaginative stories, I always end up dying miserably without getting any love.
Does anyone know what I am supposed to do when I am feeling like this?