I feel that i am not friends with my own friends....dont know if that even makes sense but that's how it is..

I  know that feeling. Been there, felt that

Friends

My Love my Friends so Much men...
Like i Treat them like my own brother men... 
But they've just ruined my named in the whole school campus like i'm nothing to them... It hurts alot like after that thing happened the other day my school life is just so hard like almost everyone in it is just Avoiding me. I Even Told my other Closest friend to stay away for me for now cause i dont want rumors spreading about them hanging around with me :'(. 

Anxiety

Here i am sitting alone while my so called friends party in the next room. Last 4 years they used me and now they ditched me. What should i do. I feel alone. 

Lonely

I took such good care of my friends, i will be there for them always, prioritize them over my career and everything else uf they need help, listen to them and try to hekp them through anything. If they say they are feeling low or sad, i try to lift up their mood and check up on them regularly, even if tgey are not feeling well. But not even a single friend ssks how I am doing.  I feel like crying at times if even one person asked how i was doing.  Forget opening up. They say they will be there but never are. Leave once i open up. Honestly i an just an emotional tissue to most.  

Guys I'm not inviting someone on my friend's party because I'm scared of being rejected... Please tell me that this is normal. I'm just afraid that later that person might get heartbroken since I have not invited them but I just can't bear this rejection.. 

Confusion

I don't talk to my college friends much because they're very different from me......they can hangout with you but only with the thought that they want someone to hangout with in college and the other reason is they'll act nice if they need something from you.
Uggh how should I behave around these people?
Should I totally cut them off or just talk less with them?

Why suddenly everything everyone's seems so fake ? Just why ? Gosh..... this stupid mind 😣😣😣😣😣

I don't have any actual friends. I thought I had a few very close ones and then realised that all are there for some reason or are either expecting something from me. Remove it from the equation and they're gone. I feel so lonely. No one actually listens and understands me. I wanted to ask if anyone has any real genuine friend who can just simply talk and listen to you without expecting anything from you and vice versa? 

I once hosted my friends at my home since we had an academic project which took place in my town. But i think i was pretty bad at hosting and feel so guilty for not treating them well. Though it was not intentional. My introvert ass panicked so much during the day. They were more in number and my home doesn't had that much facilities for all of them. Initially the plan was for another place to stay but however it finally ended up in my home. But i was so happy to welcome them. Even i really wished once to invite my whole pals to my home. But that time i couldn't manage it well. They adjusted so well though. But now i think about it and wish if i could have done more better. I was so bad at it. I really wish if i could invite everyone one more time  and plan a stayover. Things doesn't seem okay now. Everyone is somewhere and we are slowing going apart.
Whenever i thinked about that time i feel happy but also guilt.

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts