I feel terrible. I know I shouldn’t care but I have a feeling that my “ex” and my ex-friend “A” (who are friends with each other) are talking bad about me to other people that I know. My ex-friend has seen the bad side of me, the side of me that is very immature, self-centered, and gets jealous easily. A few years back, I burned a bridge without explanation with her best friend “B” because I was jealous of her and insecure because I felt excluded by A and B. I was also miserable with my life at the time. I never bothered to explain myself or reach out because I was afraid and realized there was no point because B clearly moved on. I ended the connection so it was on me to get closure for myself and move on. A remained civil and tried to keep a connection with me since our parents are friends with each other, but in recent years, we’ve grown apart. Some of it was due to my jealousy (I used to be jealous of her lifestyle, popularity, looks. I’ve gotten over it.), but also some of it due to the fact that I couldn’t relate to her anymore (different social circles, different values, personalities, etc.). It’s hard because every time our families get together now, she never shows up unlike how she used to before. I know I shouldn’t assume, but part of me thinks it’s because she doesn’t want to see me.
The only time I reached out to her was when I was talking/semi-dating her guy friend because she knew him and what kind of person he was. Things didn’t end up happening because the guy lost interest after he got me in bed and I felt angry, heartbroken, and used. I tried being “friends” with him, but I ended up cutting contact because it was hurting me more than it should. One of the last few times I talked to A, I told her that it was hard but I decided to not talk to him anymore and she told me that he was angry with me. I didn’t want to ask why because I knew I shouldn’t care about what he thinks of me anymore. I feel like I triggered her somewhat though because I cut off things with B in the past and still never explained myself. The fact that she told me that though let me know that they’re definitely talking about me in some way.
I’ve been trying to accept the fact that a relationship with A doesn’t seem possible because of what I did to B and how I reacted to my ex rejecting me. At the same time, I don’t trust her anymore either since she’s friends with my ex and I’m trying to see the bright side since I have a bunch of new friends who understand me. It’s just hard to let go since our parents are friends and I constantly think about how sad it is that we weren’t as close as we used to be (we’ve literally known each other since we were babies).
In terms of my issues, I recognized where it all stems (low self-esteem) and have been working with therapists to address them. I’ve been able to manage my emotions and make new friends, but it’s just sad to see aspects of my old self continuing to haunt me in the form of people from my past with no way of making amends.
good you have reached out for professional help. Old self took years to built it will not go in a few days or months. Its good actually as when your new self will be created it will also not go easily.
