Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

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โš•๏ธDepression

๐Ÿง‘Anxiety

๐Ÿ˜ฐStress

๐Ÿ’—Relationships

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โ€บInsecurityโ€บThought

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Anonymous

I feel terrible. I know I shouldnโ€™t care but I have a feeling that my โ€œexโ€ and my ex-friend โ€œAโ€ (who are friends with each other) are talking bad about me to other people that I know. My ex-friend has seen the bad side of me, the side of me that is very immature, self-centered, and gets jealous easily. A few years back, I burned a bridge without explanation with her best friend โ€œBโ€ because I was jealous of her and insecure because I felt excluded by A and B. I was also miserable with my life at the time. I never bothered to explain myself or reach out because I was afraid and realized there was no point because B clearly moved on. I ended the connection so it was on me to get closure for myself and move on. A remained civil and tried to keep a connection with me since our parents are friends with each other, but in recent years, weโ€™ve grown apart. Some of it was due to my jealousy (I used to be jealous of her lifestyle, popularity, looks. Iโ€™ve gotten over it.), but also some of it due to the fact that I couldnโ€™t relate to her anymore (different social circles, different values, personalities, etc.). Itโ€™s hard because every time our families get together now, she never shows up unlike how she used to before. I know I shouldnโ€™t assume, but part of me thinks itโ€™s because she doesnโ€™t want to see me.

The only time I reached out to her was when I was talking/semi-dating her guy friend because she knew him and what kind of person he was. Things didnโ€™t end up happening because the guy lost interest after he got me in bed and I felt angry, heartbroken, and used. I tried being โ€œfriendsโ€ with him, but I ended up cutting contact because it was hurting me more than it should. One of the last few times I talked to A, I told her that it was hard but I decided to not talk to him anymore and she told me that he was angry with me. I didnโ€™t want to ask why because I knew I shouldnโ€™t care about what he thinks of me anymore. I feel like I triggered her somewhat though because I cut off things with B in the past and still never explained myself. The fact that she told me that though let me know that theyโ€™re definitely talking about me in some way.

Iโ€™ve been trying to accept the fact that a relationship with A doesnโ€™t seem possible because of what I did to B and how I reacted to my ex rejecting me. At the same time, I donโ€™t trust her anymore either since sheโ€™s friends with my ex and Iโ€™m trying to see the bright side since I have a bunch of new friends who understand me. Itโ€™s just hard to let go since our parents are friends and I constantly think about how sad it is that we werenโ€™t as close as we used to be (weโ€™ve literally known each other since we were babies).

In terms of my issues, I recognized where it all stems (low self-esteem) and have been working with therapists to address them. Iโ€™ve been able to manage my emotions and make new friends, but itโ€™s just sad to see aspects of my old self continuing to haunt me in the form of people from my past with no way of making amends.

1 reply
@ordinaryguy
โ€ข

good you have reached out for professional help. Old self took years to built it will not go in a few days or months. Its good actually as when your new self will be created it will also not go easily.

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