I feel so alone. I miss my old life.
I wanna preface this by saying that I don’t expect anyone to give me some life-saving advice, but I’d really appreciate it if you just read this whole post through. I’ve been keeping this in my chest for so long with no one to tell it to, and I just need someplace I can type it all out.
I’m only a 19-year-old college student. I have very loving and financially-supportive parents, a girlfriend who loves and appreciates me, and three more years at a pretty distinguished private university. Because of this, I’m honestly ashamed of posting this because I feel like i’m not worthy of being sad, or that I’m too young to be missing my old life.
That being said, I need to let out everything that I’ve been bottling up for the past month. Here’s what I’ve been feeling. I really miss my high school life. I can’t go through one day without being overpowered by the nostalgia of late-night campfires, driving to school without a worry in the world, and spontaneous car ride adventures with my friends. At the end of my senior year in 2019, I broke up with my girlfriend at the time and it really put an emotional toll on me. I was depressed throughout the summer and felt like a completely different person; I lost my happiness, confidence, and I became a lot less social. I felt like I would never be as happy as I was during high school again – so far, I’ve been correct.
One year went by since then and I was able to push through my freshman year in college. I made some new friends, attained a near-perfect GPA, hung out with my high school friends a lot during breaks, and I got a new girlfriend who is seemingly perfect in every way. Life seemed to be getting much better. And then, at the start of this COVID-19 quarantine, I found out that my high school best friend – a guy who I trusted with my life – slept with my ex-girlfriend. Though I thought that I was 100% over her, I still felt so hurt, as if I was betrayed by my own brother. He was the one I would always go to for advice and emotional support after my breakup in 2019, and he was always there to provide it for me. I never thought that he would sleep with the girl I was so heartbroken over. To add on to that, my other high school best friends just stopped talking to me. It seems as if all the people that I became so close with in high school are gradually starting to leave or betray me in some way, and because of that, the wonderful memories I built with them are starting to hurt me even more.
Yes, I made new friends in college, but I feel like they’ll never compare to the close friends I made in high school. They’ll never be the ones to fill in this hole that I’m feeling in my heart. It’s been hard to eat, hard to sleep, and I’ve been smoking away my problems in solitary during this COVID-19 quarantine. Most days I just sit and think about my problems, sometimes crying. Call me dramatic, but every day feels like an emotional struggle right now. What should I do? Should I try and reconcile with my best friend? I don’t have any real friends in my life to talk to about these problems anymore. The only person I have in my life to talk to is my current girlfriend, and I don’t feel comfortable telling her about how sad I am considering that it all started up again because my best friend slept with my ex. Sometimes I speculate that maybe I’m not over my ex, but I think it’s more that I miss the life that I had when I was dating her. Honestly I don’t really know what I’m feeling anymore, but I do know that I’m feeling extremely lonely.
Sorry if I sound like a spoiled and privileged kid whose problems don’t even compare to the problems of other people. I know I should just suck it up and move on with my life, but I can’t even think straight when I think about my life from just a year and a half ago. Thanks for reading this through and lmk if you can relate in any way/have any advice.
Not at all man. I understand your position. But , i must add , you sound convinced that you’re not gonna find people as good as your friends from high school , and hence are creating an imaginary barricade between you and the people who might enter your life in the future. There are so many wonderful people out in this world mate. Your concept of good friends is only based on your high school years, believe me you’re gonna find new people, just keep an open mind.
Also , if they arent talking with you anymore, you can either communicate with them and still if they dont respond, you gotta move on. You’re lucky enough that youve got a gf who can help you through this. Take that help. On a lighter note, If you still feel depressed, watch masterchef Australia, it inspires me always. Have a great life.
Firstly, I’d like to tell you, privileged or not, our struggles and difficulties matter. The sadness and pain we feel makes us human. So don’t beat yourself up for that! It’s really okay! (:
Everyone, be it rich or poor, are not exempted from the problems life throws our way, so you don’t have to “suck it up” and move on. You have all the right to feel your emotions, navigate through your pain and reach a place of healing.
In regards to your, high school memories, I could almost feel like you were writing about my life. I’d have the exact same feelings as yours. I couldn’t stop thinking about my school friends in college and I’d break down when I thought about them. I hated college initially, so much that I’d come back home and cry every day. Sorry for the rant, but what I want to put across is that, after a while I started getting to know my college friends better, we started bonding and things took a turn. The process was hard, but eventually the light shined and here I was making memories with my college friends. And that’s the same for you, slowly but surely, you’ll start bonding with them and there will come a day when you’d look back on the memories made with them. Trust me on that!
About your high school best friend who betrayed you by sleeping with your ex, I do not think such a person deserves your friendship. You deserve so much better! Distance yourself from him and work on your friendship with those people who are worth your time and effort.
I really hope and pray things get better, you heal and your life is filled with new memories full of happiness.