I feel sad, very sad. It’s like all my energy is getting drained out of me. Even typing this is hard. I don’t want to move a muscle. I want to have someone I can trust, someone I can share my happiness and sadness with. But the thought of them leaving me and looking at me as if I’m disgusting is tearing me apart. Nothing particularly happened right now. But just some dialogs are making me remember all the sad things and betrayals. Like today, dad said that I need to maintain relationships. How can I? I just had so betrayals be it family, friends, or even online friends. I feel alone. I want to hug someone and I want them to smile gently, kiss me and cuddle me. But I decided not to have any expectations or trust on anybody. It hurts. I want to die. But Im afraid of pain and the damage I will cause to everyone around me. My head is all foggy I can’t think properly. This doesn’t happen all the time but only when something triggers me. Other times I just be normal(?) I mean I act like Im smiling and act as if I’m a kid. But I don’t know If I’m acting or just lost. Or I just stare into blank space. Many have told me that I zone off a lot. I don’t know what’s me anymore. These days I’m unable to keep eye contact and even if I can’t see myself I can tell that I’m awkwardly fake laughing. Am I in depression? I don’t know. I’m just probably over-reacting to things. But sometimes I can’t breath properly, as if im being choked and my chest and the back of my right hand hurt as if they are stabbed with a sharp knife. I didn’t know what was happening to me so I googled it. And found that its called ‘anxiety attack’. I didn’t tell anybody about this. I don’t want to, not even to a doctor. I just want to be alone. My throat hurts. And I haven’t had my period in months. My last period was in November 2020. It’s May 2021 now. I’m scared. What if I become infertile? Then no one would want to marry me and even if somebody did I won’t be able escape the the gazes from everyone. And more importantly, I won’t be able to have anyone who belongs to ‘me’, no one I can shower my love on. I’ll be alone all my life. It’s scary to think about that. When I googled it most of the results say I might have ‘PCOS’. It’s a lifetime non curable disease. I even have all the symptoms like hair fall, acne(recently got a lot worse) and feeling depressed. I don’t want to have another incurable disease. I don’t want to be alone in that dark room filled with the smell of antiseptics. I don’t want to have needless under my skin again. It’s painful. I’m even unable to consult a doctor because of the corona pandemic going on. I visited a doctor once in January probably. Then she said it’s nothing to be worried of and that it’s common. The causes are most likely stress and unhealthy lifestyle. But for these many months? I don’t think I’m under constant stress because I tend to avoid things that cause me stress because of a condition I have called ‘Cholinergic urticaria’. So I even stopped studying properly and I’m binge reading the stories I like. Am I under stress? Yes, I am. But am I taking stress? No. I don’t know what I’m doing. This is such a crucial part of my life. Despite knowing this I’m unable to concentrate on my studies. I’m useless. I’m a disappointment, burden. I don’t know what’s going on or maybe I know but I’m just pretending to not know anything. These days I’m unable to sleep. Before I used to sleep at 1 or max 2. But now 3, 4 or even 5. Right now its 4 am.
If you’ve read this until the end that means you are very patient. You just read something written by a worthless being, a disappointment. Like I said, I don’t want to share what I’m going through with anyone, because that means I trust them and then I expect something from only to get abandoned again. I’ve had enough of all this. Anyway, If you think you understand what I’m going through or even get the gist of it, then please tell me, what’s going on with me and what I should do. Thank you in advance really.
Hey bud you still there?
yeah. I rarely come here tho
Nvm, how you doing? Everything okay now?
Asim @asim21
Hey, I can only imagine your pain Nd all the negative thoughts that you are going through… Let me start with this… do not Google anything you feel it only show you the worst… I understand your fear of people leaving you… That’s life and it’s apart of life… That’s how people learn… The lessons and everything. Life’s not a melody right? I mean it gets hard when you think it’s difficult but when you’re happy it feels good… Hard times does bring very negative thoughts… I’ve been there and seen it real close. People leave you no matter what you do… That’s one thing but they’ll be people who will be stay no matter how worst it would get. If you keep things all by yourself then it will not happen. Speak up and share… I’m here and we all are.
If you want to talk and share then I’m really here… You are not alone! And never will be! Take care !
Hello dear,
I am here to hear you. You are the best and strong person. You can overcome this pain. Don’t find happiness in people. You are enough for yourself.
I have gone through this and i know you may feel it’s easy to tell but difficult to go through.
But trust me there will be a time where your life will be filled with happiness.
I suggest you to involve strongly spiritually. You may find peace. You can have a pet at home and spend time with that pet be it a dog or cat. Surely you will find happiness and feel relaxed and peace.
Always there to speak up.
You are subjected to what you hold in mind. Whatever you focus on tends to manifest. Stop being the victim. I understand it’s hard to live in constant suffering. It’s a learned habit to get caught up in negative thought patterns. You’d say I have the scars to show for it. When you realize you got the scars out of your thinking you can start to grow. It builds up since you have been unconscious about it. People don’t teach us the power of right thinking and working with emotions, feelings, and limiting beliefs.
First, realize that you are an infinite being subjected to whatever you think can harm you. Depression in teenagers is tricky. You are at the cusp of life where you are moving out of the innocence of being a child to the reality of a conditioned society. You have suddenly lost the source of happiness. At the same time, you are not strong enough yet, to bear the pressure of the world.
The disease comes about because we let our feelings fester in us for a long time. They remain unresolved and we forever remain in a state of agony. We tend to deny its existence and resist it. We fail to even glance at it.
How to remedy this? Start becoming aware of your unconscious thoughts and feelings. Awareness is such that, whatever you bring in its presence is turned into that. You can’t navigate dark seas unless there is light (awareness)
How to do it?
Sit with yourself. Avoid distractions. Allow yourself to have a feeling come up, stay with it, do not try to control it, do not label it as good or bad, relax into it and let it run its course.
Stop resisting having those feelings in the first place. Stop anticipating what happens next.
Stop feeling guilty or fearing having those feelings. Stop being guilty/fearful of feeling guilt and fear.
Don’t believe in your thoughts. Disidentify yourself from them. You are only aware of your thoughts. You are not it. Let them pass you by while you do this. They are endless and are only the feelings expressing themselves into thoughts.
It’s difficult in the beginning. If done consistently with persistence and determination, you’ll feel free, happy, and light. You would have learned how to process your emotions, thoughts, and feelings.
Remember these are only sensations. They can’t hurt the real you.
And stop googling about diseases. That has an unconscious effect on you and some diseases get adopted by the subconscious mind. It’s similar to fear-mongering news. We feel that violence and bad things are happening everywhere. We feel danger right at the comfort of our couches. Everything starts becoming fearful.
Does this make sense?
I feel bored and scared…
Hii
