I feel sad today many of repressed memories of when I was sexually assaulted have started to pop up again one when I was very young by someone who lived in my home and one in high school where my Ex gf’s parents drugged me and assaulted me. And in both instances while I felt powerless and hurt my parents when I told them told me that I was weak for letting that happen and there was nothing they could do about it. But also my brother who was present during the ones when I was younger in order to not be hurt gave me to her. And now many experiences I have turn into stressful situations that I hurt over in the future.
What I’m trying to get to is their unwillingness to seek help for me hurts much more then these memories. But also in my heart I also know these assaults have also affected me and cause me to live my life cautiously and always worried. Recently I have resented being called handsome or cute by people because I reminds me that I am always at risk and my sexuality is not mine. Furthermore, my relationships have suffered because while I can get along with people sometimes my anxious and depressive tendencies push people away and makes situations embarrassing and humiliating. So while I am struggling to still go forward with my life I realize that there is so much going to make sense of it all like how if I was so depressed and lazy I could have gotten into a good school I wouldn’t have disappointed so many people and actually make a difference in the world so that I could make it better as this is my life goal. But I stay home being dissatisfied with my parents, my brother, and myself while life slips away. I want to get better and happy but it seems too far now.
Why don’t you try something new, like playing some instrument? Maybe, picking up a sport and trying to ace it?
I know what you’re going through. Hang in there! We’re here for you
