Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I feel numb… most of time even I don’t know what and why I am feeling. Every day feel like a repeated cycle of failure nothing excite anymore… talking with myself for hours and think like someone is listening. There so Much inside me but I have been suppressing everything and everything just piles up and now I don’t Even know where to look for myself. Sometime I feel that even if I die tomorrow I won’t be sad and I don’t wanna go out it scares me I feel like everyone is watching me judging me I feel suffocated… everyone saw that I am laughing bt why no one saw that after that fake smile as my eyes looks for a place to just hide … I am ok I am fine yeah everything thing is great how many times I have to lie why it has to be this why can’t it just end all at once. I try to reach out I try but I couldn’t speak anything instead I lie again cuz each time I try let someone in they just say how can u do that my mistakes… each time when I confront someone that it hurts me they still use it against me in next fight to hurt me more and then shut their door on me …I feel just messed up.