Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I feel lonely i have no one to talk but then it is my fault whenever i get in any relationship whether it is friendship or dating there is this sick feeling that i am not worthy of being with them i always wear a mask of this fake person who is pure… if anyone of them know who i truly am they hate me they will hate that i did mistakes at early age, they will laugh how my mind is most of the time filled with thought of me being Just shameful and nothing more… they deserve better and i don’t want them to know that how i hurt myself how it makes me calm when i bleed i know weird messed up … Whatever anger guilt shame sadness i feel i just bottle it up for the moment and when i alone i let it all out on me… someone who i loved most find out only about hurting problem and he tries his best to stop me but i didn’t but i sure feel happy with him i feel so good then someone cared but in my head he is doing it all cuz he feel sympathy and guilty for saying me that i am defected it was about my ear there is this scare it’s Little … he Said he just joking he didn’t mean to me which i don’t believe first and i just pretend that i accepted his apology but he could tell that i didn’t the sweet things is he kept trying to apologise and when i get to know him better he is best person i have ever known…i feel so happy with him he is the best friend i could ask for but i started pushing him away cuz I feel i never be good for him …but he never leave … And one day he just stop talking to me start pretend like he don’t me… that day i had a totally mental breakdown and i still feel the pain …i feel pushing people all i know i am just to mess