I feel like shit for breaking up someone’s heart. G and I used to be good friends and then we became best friends and then I ruined it all. I started to have feelings for him. I tried my best to let him know about my feelings. Luckily,he also feels the same about me. I never wanted to be in a relationship or something as these things scare the shit out of me. Gradually, we started talking to each other like couples ( I really don’t have any idea how real couples talk). I mean he used to send me all couple goals’ pictures ( Cuddling,kisses and hugs etc.) and love quotes and all. He used to send his voice recording of him singing love songs and all. The whole ‘cuddling,kisses and hug’ thing makes me uneasy. The thought of doing these things doesn’t make me feel right. I’m not asexual but I don’t find it right to do at the same time but I just used to appreciate because I thought it’s okay to feel this way for the first time. I don’t even know what the thing ‘love’ is. But I’ve already told him that I love him without even thinking properly ( I guess impulsively). I don’t know if the idea of love what these movies and T.V.serials portrays are true, but I just want to be loved by someone who knows that consoling and helping each other in tough times is also love ( at least that’s what I think). Many of the times,he had told that he’d been feeling low and I’ve literally tried my level best to help him in any possible way. But he never told me the reason behind that. I mean whenever I ask him about what happened to him, he’s like “I don’t even know but I need you”. Whenever he says things like this with so much conviction,it scares me so much like I feel like I’m responsible for him and I don’t know what to do about it. (I don’t know if I’m making sense 🤦) And when I try to talk about my problems (my anxiety, panic attacks and mental illness) he just dismisses the conversation by saying,‘Everything will be oaky’, that’s it. He never listens to me. We don’t have a normal conversation without including these kisses and all. But now I’m really sick of these things.
I have some mental health issues because of which my own thoughts (self destruction,self hatred) makes me pity myself. I met him at that point of my life where I wanted to be loved without even knowing what love is. I wanted someone to fix me the way I’m not able to do to myself. So I agreed to take whatever he was willing to give. But now, when things are not going accordingly,I want to run away. That’s what I do,I run away from everything and everyone (situations, problems and most importantly people). RN, I’m preparing for pre- medical exams and I’m trying to focus on that mostly, that’s why I’ve cut all the connections to social media and rest. And he’s been messaging and calling me continuously to ask if he’s done something or why I’m ignoring him. And yes,the exams are important to me but I’ve been using it as an excuse to ignore him and everybody who had judge me once or more than once as a consequence of my mental illness. I think it feels like I betrayed/cheated him. I ditched him. Moreover,I used him for a specific period of time because of MY ignorant slut of a brain without even realising that in the end,his feelings would be hurt. But I can’t help it now. I don’t feel like going back to him,I don’t feel like trying to make him understand my problems. I just want everyone to leave me the fuck alone because I’m sick and no one really gets it. I know I’m a bad person now. And whatever I’ve written here just clearly shows what kind of an selfish bitch I am and how messed up I am. So please someone tell me,what should I do now? I’m tired of thinking.
I’ll be honest only. To answer your line that the readers will think you are a ‘selfish bitch’, what came to my mind as - she is smart in what she is saying and knows her feelings very well. It is completely the opposite of what you think.
Now, whatever you said makes sense and there is nothing wrong with it. You don’t feel to talk about physical things all time, makes sense. And, caring and being together for each other is CALLED love. I feel the same. What you wanted and it just happened because you were going through something or because you wanted to feel that way, each and everything is worth it and not stupid or selfish.
Now, to the part where he doesn’t listen to you as you do and he has feelings for you, right. Did you talk to him about this? If yes, he needs to be better to have you and if he can’t you can say to him the same thing you wrote here and the reason for ignoring him. “Don’t ignore someone because you want to escape, ignore someone because you don’t feel worthy talking to them”. I hope you understand my point. Be clear than running. It will never make you at peace but either make you feel guilty or your whole life you would want to run away and you will start thinking “The solution to any problem is running away and it will be fine” but nope, this isn’t the right way. Facing it is the right way, be it with yourself or someone else.
I hope something makes sense here and you understand what you want now more clearly?💙
Hey,thank you so much,you do make sense. I’ll try to talk to him and get a solution.Thanks again!
ik how u feel