I feel like I’ve lost the bond I had with my mom once. We were the closest anyone could ever be. I was the closest to her out of her three children. My father was abusive, violent and unavailable emotionally and a Casanova. He has several relationships in the past with several women and still does, probably. He made my mother’s life miserable but she put up with him to raise us. I’m a 21 yo and my my siblings are 19 and 15. He wasn’t even a very good father. We aren’t on talking terms as of now because of the silliest thing which makes no sense but that’s not the point right now. A couple years back my mother met this man and really connected with him. She asked for my permission to have a relationship with him and I felt like she deserved it. She deserved someone to appreciate her and to fill that gap of a partner in her life. So I encouraged her to go ahead and be friends with him. That man is married and has two kids. I always warned my mom to never meddle in his family and be that woman because she knows how if felt to be on the receiving end. Anyway, one thing led to another and she became really close with that person AND somehow his family. The family doesn’t know about their relationship. Anyway, shortly after she got close with him, she changed. I mean, the way she talked or behaved or the things she said or did or the way she made decisions, completely changed. She started consulting everything with him before making any decisions. Soon he got in on all our life decisions and she even made me talk to him. Initially it was fine but he started meddling too much in our personal life problems. Gradually he started making sexual jokes with me and I was uncomfortable but I didn’t say anything because my mom was so smitten by him. It wasn’t late before he started making sexual remarks about my body and how sexy I am or my curves or asking me about my sex life with my boyfriend. He made weird indirect comments about my boyfriend and it made me very very uncomfortable and I couldn’t stand it anymore. I didn’t wanna ruin things for my mother so I stopped speaking to him. Blocked him and cut him off. My mother started forcing me to talk to him after a while because he used to ask her why I wasn’t talking and apparently she couldn’t see anything in front of his will. I told her I’m not comfortable and begged her to stop forcing me. My mom held this as a grudge against me I think and ever since then she has been so distant. I mean, I feel like I lost her. She is so invested in him and his family and cares so less for us, whom she sacrificed so much for back in the time. She went to attend a friend’s anniversary on the same day as my sister’s birthday, and then forced her to accept a very expensive ipad that man giften her, which when my sister refused because it is ridiculous to accept such expensive gifts from people, my mother didn’t talk to her. On her birthday. On my brother’s birthday which was two weeks after this, she caused a scene because my unavailable dad decided to show up and to avoid drama we decided to have one meal out with our dad and second with our mom. She threw a tantrum and after we returned from our meal with dad, she only took my brother out and not us because we suggested the plan (which she agreed to before lmao).
The point of mentioning the whole birthday fiasco is that, about a month and a half back, it was that man’s daughter’s birthday for which my mother flew in one day in advance to surprise her. I mean? I just don’t know what to say. The covid situation was terrible back then and she still traveled just for his daughter, leaving her own two kids back at home(I am stuck in another city) alone with their 75-yo grandmother. When the time to return came, she suddenly started caring about covid and how traveling is unsafe and has been staying with him and his family since then. I wanted to go back home, she bought me the ticket, and then two days later she called me and made 5 other people from my family to call me and ask me not to go because of covid. I would have agreed if she hadn’t gotten me the ticket 2 days ago. But guess what? That man told her to stop me, because (I know it’s unsafe to travel during covid and I do not encourage that at all) if I went home, everyone will start questioning why she can’t? When I questioned her, she made me talk to him and my blood boiled at the sound of his voice. I hung up and my mother called me back to scream at me and we got into a fight and I told her directly that he made sexual advances at me and she pretended to care for a day but she’s still there, still very happy with him and his kids and I don’t think she’s gonna give him up even though he tried to harass her own daughter. I don’t understand. This is not the woman I called my mother. I mean, I don’t recognize her anymore. I was so close to my mother and now she’s just some woman who doesn’t even ask if I ate or not? It is all my fault.
NO, Its not your fault at all, you did not know that the man would be a pervert or he had family already.
Everything in our life is not in our control, some things are just beyond control and there is no reason or explanation to them.
IDK what to say about your mom, after being with your father who did not care for her has made her crave a man’s care and attention and the other man gives her just enough so that he can control her.
I can’t even imagine your pain, first losing your own father because of his deeds and now loosing your mother, it’s like not having parents even after having them.
I can only send you warm hugs and wish yours and your siblings life gets better.
May god bless you
Lots of love :)
listen as you being the only elder one to your siblings it’s your duty to keep them happy, I know you are not in a situation of handling the situation because you aren’t getting love of both the parents, but still life will go on with or without them you still have to figure out everything on your own for you and for your siblings, so I’ll suggest you not to take any wrong action, be calm, think twice before even speaking/doing anything. Just focus on your studies, work hard for your and your sibling’s future now you have to act like a parent to them, guide them, show them the real face of this cruel world, make them enough strong to handle difficult situations and please I’m asking you again not to take any hard step on yourself.
Also don’t hate your mom, as it was your decision to make him talk with that guy so don’t regret it, she’s also a human being she’ll also make some mistakes be a good friend to her whenever she’s down after all she’s your mother she gave birth to you.
P.S. if you feel that discussing this thing with me will make you feel good I can drop my Twitter handle in the reply, only and only if you are comfortable in this.
btw never feel alone, God is with you and there are plenty of Good Humans in this world to cheer you up :)
I am so sorry you had to go through this. It really sucks to grow up in a dsyfunctional family. It’s a good thing that you confronted her about it. You did your bit. That’s the most you could do. Now it’s up to your mother. You can’t control her actions. Yes, she’s wrong, but you can only do so much.
Its best not to engage with her anymore unless absolutely necessary if it affects you so much.
Sending lots of strength and love to help you deal with this. Hopefully you heal soon. :)
