Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I feel like it is anxiety that makes it hard for me to make friends or keep friends. I am really nervous about messaging first because I have experienced being ghosted, talked down about, the name calling and friends who never really supported me which I need friends who don’t do that but anxious to message first because I get really anxious even in public but no matter how I try it’s never good enough. I am looking for female friends, someone to get to know and more. I have a hard time being social because I don’t know what to say or when I am in public I am too shy to walk up to people especially big crowds and talk to them because I also feel like I will be judged but I also don’t want to feel like I am annoying people so I let people talk to me first which it has happened then it seemed like nobody cares anymore. I have no luck with making friends, I prefer female friends but it is hard for me to make friends when I don’t have no idea where to start the conversation but depending on the question I have a hard time understanding things fully because of my cognitive learning disability makes it hard for me which I am afraid of being bullied for which my stepdad called me retarded in the past, fat along with other things in the book is really triggering to me to being anxious, depressed and having anger towards things that is said to hurt me to the point things can make me cry which is hard for me to stop for a few hours to the point it’s hard to breath sometimes but I have been seeing a therapist since may after I got out of the hospital in the end of April but I feel like I am let down, disappointed because I made this friend in the hospital who I was close to but who was also my roommate at the mental facility for my mental health. She gave me a way to talk to her so I have reached out to her multiple times since April and haven’t heard from her ever since but hoping she didn’t change her number or I feel like she doesn’t want to talk to me or her parents controlling her. I miss having a friend that was like a sister to me and the last time I really had a girl best friend was when I was in high school which I graduated in 2015 but me getting ghosted didn’t start until 2016 but then it constantly happens when she tries to talk to me but I just don’t need them if they are going to do that especially when they talked down about me, called me names and never supported me when I was in a toxic relationship when I have done everything to get out years ago but I am with a better guy now who treats me right that I moved all the way to California to be with but I am originally from Georgia. I am afraid to open up to certain people because I feel like nobody wants to listen, nobody understands, nobody cares and my overthinking or worrying makes me think that people hate me or being around certain people especially big crowds is why I hate leaving the house alone or doing anything alone. So I find things very hard because I haven’t been okay or the same since they left which I have became isolated, I shut myself down and keep things to myself because nobody wants to hear it anyways which I understand that people may have their own problems which I get attached to people because they end up leaving anyways no matter if they promised me they wouldn’t. I am sorry if this seems like too much but I just wanted to vent and say how I am feeling inside but other than that I am trying to do things to motivate myself by doing things I love but some days are hard because I have a hard time finding the energy because I am also tired and have little to no energy but I hope when I get on this new antidepressants along with a energy booster I hope it helps because I am tired of feeling like this or certain ways but things are too much for me.