I feel like I keep pushing away my feelings, I can’t be myself anymore. I just wish I could be the perfect daughter, my parents keep talking about. Just like my sisters both straight A’s and me well just a failure.
It pains me so much when they think I am not trying and even suggested I drop out and work with my dad. And what’s worse is that I am trying I really am but for them is just me being lazy. Every single fcking time I take a break they always come and check on me which for them literally “proves” their point. I have tried to get good grades and I did last year all A’s and B’s except 2 classes and in all my years that has been my best from straight D/C to A/B but they only yelled at me for the D and I i got for the classes. It’s all because of my older sister all the things that happen to me are because of her. And I feel bad because I am starting to develop bad feelings towards her, I am trying so hard not to because I really like her but her actions always have bad intentions. She says she wants me to get good grades and even she thinks I’m being lazy when I ask her for help. She nags me all the time to ask her for help but acts like a btch when I do. Always telling me how useless I am and that I wouldn’t be anything without her. 2 weeks ago we had a fight and said she can’t wait for this month to be over so she can go to college and never see my face again, and that hurt me a lot, last week she said I was so useless and couldn’t even do the simplest things without her, in front of my dad too and even told him that I was so stupid. I still ignore all of these things because I want her to leave in peace with me.
I am starting to hate her, to the point I want to punch her every time she acts like this with me. Yk my younger sister 12 has A’s but only because we helps her and she says I should be like her. And compares me to her all the time saying “look she has A’s in middle school and you only had F’s” I would have had better if she ever helped me but no. She is so annoying and all of this thing of comparing is making me hate my younger sister and I don’t want to because I am being the better sister to her that I wanted.
All of this is too much for me, depression and anxiety aren’t making this easier for me either, I started cutting more recently and to top it off we all cut, they think I don’t know but its obvious. So we all have problems, ig it’s her way of feeling better.