I feel like I exist in my own ecosystem of thought. Swaying from one to the other. My philosophies seem negative to everyone I share them with and I seldom see people truly contemplate my points. Rather they’re just waiting for their turn to talk. They hear what I’m saying, but not understanding it. I don’t believe I am simply negative, I recognize it in myself when I am, but I try to be balanced in my thoughts. For example ‘Let go of hope’ this as a blanket statement sounds bleak, but what I mean by it is that the hope we carry, the dreams we have for ourselves often lead to disappointment and negativity for not living up to our desired ‘selves’. I’m not ‘ambitious’ its not true I am, but I do not ‘hope’ for it. I just want to live and live for now and in the moment. For me I feel like I’m the one who always has to make the first move in any situation. My friends and family become ever more distant from me. I want them to talk to me, but they’re scared of me because I become passionate when I talk and is often seen as anger. They’re reaction and unease around me often leads to real anger in me and I hate myself when I get to that point.
I’m always trying to offer my self to talk, to listen, but no one wants to and when I want to talk I’m met with judgement and blanket statements ‘it will get better’. ‘Oh you’re so negative’ Or my friend who in recent years has become incredibly defensive about everything. My mother who had a troubled childhood can’t accept her flaws in a way to improve her self. I don’t know, day by day I try to figure shit out and focus on myself, but too much then I’m selfish. Too much and they ignore me, I feel like I’m being annoying.
I’m not perfect, I have been a bad person, an unreasonable person and I feel this has carried with me. I’ve become incredibly sensitive as I feel one wrong move, one wrong statement and my family all think I’m back to that way.
I talk to my mother and sisters where I believe I am trying to be honest with them, speak my mind and tell them what I’m thinking. They always become insulted by what I think. Maybe I am being too frank, but I just don’t know what else to say to them when they ask me what I think. I’m not good a lying, you can tell when I don’t mean something. So they’ll prod and prod until I say something I’ll regret.
This is a long post, if anyone reads this thank you. I tried to make it shorter, but I’ve got a lot on my mind. By reading this post can anyone be honest with me? Am I the problem? Am I being narcissistic? Negative? Or am I just thinking too much? These are questions no one will answer.
To whomever reads this, have a good day and I wish you well. Your time is a valuable resource, thank you for taking the time to read this post.