I feel like I exist in my own ecosystem of thought. Swaying from one to the other. My philosophies seem negative to everyone I share them with and I seldom see people truly contemplate my points. Rather they’re just waiting for their turn to talk. They hear what I’m saying, but not understanding it. I don’t believe I am simply negative, I recognize it in myself when I am, but I try to be balanced in my thoughts. For example ‘Let go of hope’ this as a blanket statement sounds bleak, but what I mean by it is that the hope we carry, the dreams we have for ourselves often lead to disappointment and negativity for not living up to our desired ‘selves’. I’m not ‘ambitious’ its not true I am, but I do not ‘hope’ for it. I just want to live and live for now and in the moment. For me I feel like I’m the one who always has to make the first move in any situation. My friends and family become ever more distant from me. I want them to talk to me, but they’re scared of me because I become passionate when I talk and is often seen as anger. They’re reaction and unease around me often leads to real anger in me and I hate myself when I get to that point.
I’m always trying to offer my self to talk, to listen, but no one wants to and when I want to talk I’m met with judgement and blanket statements ‘it will get better’. ‘Oh you’re so negative’ Or my friend who in recent years has become incredibly defensive about everything. My mother who had a troubled childhood can’t accept her flaws in a way to improve her self. I don’t know, day by day I try to figure shit out and focus on myself, but too much then I’m selfish. Too much and they ignore me, I feel like I’m being annoying.
I’m not perfect, I have been a bad person, an unreasonable person and I feel this has carried with me. I’ve become incredibly sensitive as I feel one wrong move, one wrong statement and my family all think I’m back to that way.
I talk to my mother and sisters where I believe I am trying to be honest with them, speak my mind and tell them what I’m thinking. They always become insulted by what I think. Maybe I am being too frank, but I just don’t know what else to say to them when they ask me what I think. I’m not good a lying, you can tell when I don’t mean something. So they’ll prod and prod until I say something I’ll regret.
This is a long post, if anyone reads this thank you. I tried to make it shorter, but I’ve got a lot on my mind. By reading this post can anyone be honest with me? Am I the problem? Am I being narcissistic? Negative? Or am I just thinking too much? These are questions no one will answer.
To whomever reads this, have a good day and I wish you well. Your time is a valuable resource, thank you for taking the time to read this post.
-M
Hi M,
I would say I could relate to you. When someone asks for my opinion about themselves or just something in general, it would always sound negative to them - to give an extreme example would be my sister asking if she looks fat in the dress or particular clothing that she would like to wear. And it’s really hard to not lie when you have been nurtured to not lie at all. So, over the years, I have come to learn that sometimes going quiet can speak more than words, and this can be a double-edged sword. I’m not saying it’s the solution but so far it had worked for me, not just to my sister but to my friends as well, the truth can be said another time I suppose - where you don’t need to remind them over and over again. Also, sometimes when telling someone the truth, it is required for you to ease through them, like make them calm where they are ready and open-minded to hear the truth/reality. For the example that I’ve mentioned, by me staying quiet my sister already knows my answer and knows that I kept quiet out of respect. Truth does hurt a lot to some people, and most of them know it already. That’s why waiting for them to accept it or do something about it can be tough for the person or to others, people handle things differently. A little push for motivations, a little encouragement, or just love and support is sometimes needed for that person to accept the harsh truth. So, I don’t think you’re a problem, man. Unless you remind them daily, it can be annoying for that person, it would probably encourage them to do the opposite.
But, my way of handling things is in a different environment to yours. So, I believe in you that you’ll find a way to balance it out. If not, it could just be a simple as that they aren’t ready to hear the truth, or don’t wanna face it. And it is not your fault. Also, if you are worried about you being a narcissist, I think you’re automatically not a narcissist (since you cared about your family’s well being and how you may be affecting them). I would just say that you want personal growth, for you and for others. I hope this helps you even just a tiny bit. And if this seems wrong, then please tell me so, I don’t mind it hearing others take on it.
Thank you for reading this whoever you are. I hope you have a great day as well.
:D
Thanks for the reply, it’s good to just read it from another mind. I’m going to try and not get my head wrapped up in it so much, trying to define it all. Day by day I want to learn to love, forgive and forget. This helped to read, there’s a beauty in talking to strangers. Thanks for being that stranger :)
-M
