Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I feel like I can write a book on my life experience.

It all started at a very young age. My cousin uncle used to stay next door to us. I frequently went to their house. Then my uncle got touchy. I was too young and naive to realise what was happening. I was about 5 years old maybe, I don’t even remember my age. He took me to a room when no one was home. He removed his pants and underpants. I was a kid wearing a nice frock so he just removed my underpants to knee length, that would do the work for him. He asked me to sit on his penis. I vividly remember that. He just enjoyed it which I was sitting there. He didn’t penetrate as I think he was scared that I might bleed and people will come to know. I would say he was clever that way.

Years passed by and he kept putting sexual advances and asked me not to tell anyone. He was not hurting me by putting his fingers anywhere but he used to enjoy me in whatever way he could. I didn’t say anything and kept doing what he asked. For me it was a game and I thought it is a little secret and he only plays it with me. As a kid you would love that.

On a parallel world, I had a cousin who was adopted and she was 7 years elder to me. She also started touching me. She was not aware about my uncle’s advances. I was still 9 years old and I didn’t know what it was. But I thought maybe this is normal. And I also started doing whatever she would ask me to do. We used to go to a room saying we are playing and she used to tell me to touch her and suck her boobs. Then she would repeat the same things on my body.

I somewhere started enjoying it. I feel ashamed about It but it was not something I could control. We all went for a huge family trip. My uncle was also there along with some 35 members of my extended family. We hired a bus and my uncle was sitting on the last row. He called me and told me you sleep here, it was be comfortable. I did what he asked. It was dark. Suddenly I felt his hands on my pants. I didn’t say anything. He put his fingers on my vagina. First time he had done that. I didn’t know at that time that this is wrong. I enjoyed it and I thought it is a game like he always used to say. He had the guts to do it when there are some 35 family members sitting in front.

By the time I was maybe 13 or 14 years old I started realising what was happening and that this is not good. Both of them have been exploiting me sexually. It took me a lot of time to accept it. I couldn’t ever speak to my parents about it or anyone in my family or friends. Somewhere I think it became normal for me. I started questioning myself how am I okay with someone sexually exploiting me and I was somewhere enjoying it.

Then I started resisting it and I was also quite grown up so they got scared and stopped doing things to me.

I was around 16 years old and my dad asked me to go and give something to my uncle. He was in is office which was some 300 mtrs walk from my place. It was a long time when all those things happened. I accepted it and moved on without telling anyone about it. I was ashamed I think. I went to his office, gave the package and spoke to him a little bit. For me, I always pretended that part of my life never existed and started behaving like any other family member would.

Suddenly, he asked me to come and sit on his lap. I acted confused. Then he came and held my hand and tried touchIng my boobs. I resisted and tried to run away. He held me with full force and tried kissing me and touching me inappropriately. I somehow managed to run away. I cried a lot but somehow calmed myself down before going home. I was again too scared to share anything with my parents.

Fast forward to me being some 19/20 years old girl. I started accepting it and talking about it to few people but never in details. I used to tell about the part that I was sexually assaulted by my uncle but never about my cousin or the fact that I enjoyed it once. Again, I WAS TOO ASHAMED OF MYSELF and till date I haven’t told that to anyone.

By the age of 19 I had tried committing suicide twice because I was ashamed more than anything else. I thought it was all my fault. Though I got cold feet and couldn’t do it. Again, no one knows about it.

I am 24 years old now. 3 years back when I was 21 years old my dad was at my uncle’s place. He had forgotten his phone at the house. So he called from my uncle’s phone and asked my mom to send the phone through someone. My mom said if I can go. I agreed. I went and gave the phone to my dad. Then my uncle’s kids called me. They were 4 years and 7 years old that time. They really liked me. My aunt was not there so they started insisting me to stay for sometime. I agreed. I was in their room and my dad was in my uncle’s office with him and one of their friend. Suddenly my uncle came to my room and groped me from behind and touched my breasts. That was the first time I screamed. I started crying went to my dad and hugged him and told him what happened. Just that incident not anything or any word from the past. He got furious and it was a big mess.
My dad and I came back from. I told him I want to file a official police complaint and I want that guy to be jailed. It was years of frustration that my dad obviously didn’t understand because for him it was just that incident. Still he agreed. He told me all the pros and cons of filing a complaint but he said the decision is mine since I am 21 years old and I am adult. He will support me no matter what I decide. Only few of my family members knew and they were against it but my dad didn’t care about that. I decided not to file a complaint because I had gotten a job in Bangalore and I wanted to start a new life. If I filed a complaint, it would have still haunted me. I wanted an out.
I never went to his house again and I don’t speak to him anymore.

Today, I am happy I would say. But this has always stayed and it haunts me. More than anything, the fact that I think I became very sexually demanding after all that. I still feel ashamed about it and try to control my emotions but I am unable to. I don’t know if this is normal or not. I am still figuring it out. I just wanted to share my story as in 24 years I have not spoken the whole truth ever.