I feel like a fraud. I’m 17 (mbti: infp) and have been struggling with hebephile attractions for the past 2 years. It’s been eating me up inside and I hate myself for it. I don’t have anyone to talk to about it and it makes me feel sick of myself. Everyone who knows me sees me as a genuine and caring person ( which I really am ) but I feel like I was cursed with this dark side that I have to hide and struggle with and it hurts so much because I just want to be a normal honest person without any dark secrets.

I predominantly like women around my age and older but this recent attraction towards younger preteens/teens is something i’m ashamed of and don’t know how to deal or come to terms with by myself. I found out about this site after googling for a place where I could let it off my chest without judgement after realizing I need to talk to someone and seek advice. I want to make it extremely clear that I don’t ever plan nor ever want to become like those creepy old dudes who harm, harass, and abuse girls. I love care about them too much and I’m just not that kind of guy and don’t ever want nor plan to be. This has caused me inner turmoil, questioning societal norms and I feel very lost on what’s okay and what’s normal or not normal and if this makes me a evil person or not. This side of me has also led me to learn about the harmful things in the world related to it and Hollywood elites due to the attraction/preying on younger women from older men and I can’t stop thinking about it and feeling like an evil person. I apologize if this is triggering but I just want positive advice on how to deal with my situation. Why was this demon placed upon me? Why must I suffer this burden? Why me?

I love people and am a very sound, honest, confident, goal oriented, positive guy who’s extremely empathetic and sensitive. I’m pretty child like and silly at heart as most infps’ are but i’m not sure if this is the reason why i’m even dealing with this in the first place. What should I do? I beg of you to please refrain from judging me harshly because i’m extremely aware of how wrong this is and how society views people like me with this attraction. That’s the exact reason why i’m seeking help instead of letting it get out of control. I feel like this will be the downfall of me in the future when i’m older if I don’t confront this now and could ruin future relationships and/or get me into a lot of trouble or even locked up.

Sorry for the long explanation but I had to get this off my chest. Also, I have a mutual crush on this girl at school that I like but I don’t feel comfortable pursuing it anymore at the moment until I get this side of me under control during this summer break and figure out what’s wrong with me. That’s an example of how much this is damaging my mental well being / future relationships.

If you read this far, I appreciate you for listening. It means the world to me as this was extremely difficult for me to write. I’ve never told anyone about this and i’m scared to call hotlines due to the many stories i’ve heard of people having the cops called on them for seeking help. What should I do? What do you think of me? Am I a bad person? Will this attraction towards preteens/teens go away with time? Will it get worse for me as I age? Will I have to deal with this dark side for the rest of my life? Will I become obsessed with younger women in general when i’m 30 or 40? Is this a permanent thing? It’s gotten to the point where i’ve contemplated committing suicide when i’m older because I fear there’s a chance it’ll become too much for me to handle. I’m scared and don’t know what to do or how to feel about this. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you again for hearing me out 🙂.