I feel burn out. I'm a 33 year old divorcee. I was physically and mentally abused. I work for a startup now which doesn't pay well. I don't want to switch companies because I don't want to be a part of this rat race. I want to start on my own. Nobody believes in me when I talk about my ideas. I literally have no one who can listen to me or suggest me without judging. There are many days where I lock myself in a room. 

I’ll be happy to listen to your ideas and give suggestions in case I have some info or deemed fit. To some extent I’m on the same path as I don’t like the rat race and even I’m working on a few things and if they work out it may transform into something full-time.

May be I can share some resources which may be helpful for you.

Mental Illness

Honestly, the older I get the more I realise life sucks. It will always suck. People aren’t nice and a lot of what they show you is a facade. If you live your life completely honestly and do right by everyone then you’ll feel more alone because you’ll realise no one else lives their life like that. But do the opposite whilst internally being a good person and having a good heart and you’ll hate yourself. Growing up with a healthy household is fundamental. If you don’t then you spend your whole life undoing the mess that your parents have caused whilst feeling like the worlds worst person and unfixable while your at it. But self loathe too much and your now throwing a pity party and feeling sorry for yourself which is frowned upon. Talk about mental health until you start speaking and no one knows what to say back apart from the regular “I’m here for you” “it won’t be like this forever” and even then they don’t really care they feel awkward in the moment and don’t know what to say so throw things out to make themselves feel as if they’ve done something to help. Trying to get mental health help without having fortunes to spend is honestly a joke. Kill your self and people will say they don’t understand why you did that, but will never try to understand the amount of times you reached out for help. Tired.

I feel gutted due to work pressure and no work life balance. Can’t afford to spare time with my family. 

Anxiety

anyone wants to text on discord? I wanna find friend/partner or someone like that so if u also feel lonely we can text. 
I can be toxic sometimes and push away others when I'm sad and I'm really sorry for that, hope u won't mind.

Friends

My whole life I felt as if I was never accepted and I never knew why. I was never considered unattractive or strange or awkward. It just seems though anytime I try to make friends or have people in my life they always leave or they choose other people. I just wish I had a solid reason why this happens so I can fix it and patiently make new friends especially since it is my first year of college and I just want to find people who want to be friends with me. Does anyone have any advice on this?

Insecurity

Life should be like pani puri 

Sweet and spicy 🌶️ 

3am Thoughts

I am suffering from apathy for around 3 -4 years. It has made my life a mess.
I've been a mature & a responsible person since I was a kid. I've faced bullying in my early years of school, I've suffered from depression, I've suffered from trauma but I have never given up.
I've made myself a confident, smart & a brave person single handedly from an extremely underconfident, extremely timid & an extremely shy person (yes, those extremely words were necessary). 
People around me loves me in their own way, and I've always loved them and tried to do the best things for them, have support them in my own way wherever I can. 

But now I'm tired. I've been tired for so many years. I'm a young person, I know my potential, I know my capabilities, I know what I can do for sure. 
I still have to keep going, but honestly I don't want to. I want to stop, take a break (a big one). But unfortunately, I can't afford that.

People say I'm a very optimistic person but they don't know that I wasn't always like that. Instead this optimism was developed as a survival instinct. People say they want their child to have same values as me. But they don't know the price that I've paid and I'm still paying.

People don't understand what I'm feeling when I try to tell them. I've tried so many times.
I don't have any desires and dreams, not anymore. I thought making a dream board which includes all the dreams, that my past self wanted to achieve would help me, but it doesn't. Now I'm just living my life with the hope that it'll eventually get better. But honestly, I don't know what would become of my future anymore..... 

Did I mention that I'm tired?

I wish it would stop. That little ache, the longing, the wishing. All the sentiments going berserk inside my body. I want you out of my heart. Free from my thoughts; that when I see you its like a passer by. Becoming an item from a memory. I want to be able too see you and not care. Not having my heart beat a million miles an hour. Not having to pretend. Everything is an illusion even in our bubble. There is no safe space for me. I wish you would understand, care and be considerate at least. Hide the shoes. Pretend for a few hours I'm all yours even if we both know it is a blatant lie. I wish I would not see this bag. Stop imagining who gets to go on dates with you. Gets to hold your hand and let the world know how much you mean. Sometimes you mean and are the world to me. Sometimes I hate you but mostly me for loving you when I shouldn't. your authenticity is a wonderment. I hate it. But it makes me love the person you are. I guess you are too self absorbed to notice anything. But that's ok. I've been told I can't be loved, that I'm too this, not enough that. I wish you knew better than to embark me on this with you. Just let it remain a fantasy. I wish I knew better. My heart pulls and tears slowly. It burns and stings. sometimes I feel sjcknto the stomach. I dream about you all the time. About you with others, and me always being in the shadow. Looking and pretending I'm okay. I have no right to not be okay is that it? I suppose so. It is a terrible thing to be so intensely and passionately attached to someone who does not understand the value of that sentiment, or at least doesn't show that he does. That reduces the experience and what we share to dust. That pretends it can be dusted off in a whim. I hate to not be able to touch you. Not be able to say to you how much I want to be with you as much as how I want to forget you. Send you to oblivion. This would be the dream. I make duah for this. I have nothing to wish for you. My heart sincerely just want to move on and lock yourself out forever. My life is falling apart. Going to crumbles. it's being held by a thin line called perseverance. It's the only thing that keeps me going. Stops me from being engulfed by the darkness. The rope that pulls me out of the pit. My heart bleeds so much to a point that I don't feel it anymore. Im used to it that it is pathetic to even talk about it. There is no moving on. Only acceptance which comes with bitterness, sadness, despair, anger, longing and self harm. I wish I could send this to you. I am not brave enough for this. I am brave enough for plenty a thing except this. It is scary. I was mocked once for being vulnerable and Raw. I'm sorry if this is a burden on you. I will be ok. I need to leave this place. It has nothing to offer to me except pain and regret. Now you know how much you have colonized my heart and mind. Please don't blame me. You have completely bewitched Me. Only blame me for being naive, there is no other explanation to this folly. Bref all this to say I miss you like crazy. 

Breakup

Exhaustion is not a virtue. Naps heal.
Laying in the sun heals. Doing absolutely nothing but daydreaming heals.


Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts