I feel broken. I lost my father a week back. He had been ill for the last 10 months but was getting better, last 5 days before his passing he was in the hospital and his health kept deteriorating. He suffered a heart attack and couldn’t survive. He was my life, the only one who mattered. My mother died 10 years back. I was the one my father shared everything with. I didn’t imagine my life without him. I don’t even know how to do this. I don’t know so many things. Why should I even live, everyone leaves, I’ll leave one day too, how does this matter. Why should I live like this, suffering and crying, I keep getting reminded of some memory with him and I break down. I don’t think I’ve completely realised it yet, the extent of it. I’m really anxious, more than normal. I just want to shut down. I feel like closing myself from everyone else. Everyone tells me I’m really strong but I’m not, I feel weak, more than I have ever felt. I feel I’m wasting my life and I’m useless, I don’t feel like doing anything, I try to watch something to pass my time or do some online course but I can’t get myself to do it. There have been so many deaths in my family, it angers me sometimes. My grandfather died too 3 years back. I hate that life goes on, everyone in my family is moving forward. I feel numb at times. I’m sitting with people, I may be talking, laughing too at jokes but I don’t feel anything.
I don’t know how to move forward, how to deal with this. I don’t have anyone left. I did have suicidal thoughts on the day he died but I promised him that I’ll try my best to survive. I’m not sure if I would be able to do that. I may just shut myself and immerse myself into this abyss of sadness.
This must be very painful and stressful as you have gone through a lot as of now. Life and death are the part of life. The one who has to go, we cant take charge of that. You have a beautiful life for yourself, do not think of suicide or anything like that. You must be very important for some people around you. I really understand the pain that you are going through like now as you have lost so many people in your life. But you really need to gather the courage somehow and begin a new chapter in your life. Feel free to talk here. I really hope you will feel better soon and you will for sure find a way to keep yourself busy and positive.