Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I don’t know why I’ve been feeling so low constantly for the last 2 years. I don’t think I can blame it on covid. Maybe something within me has changed. Maybe I’ve started introspecting a lot more but I just am not able to stay happy for long. My happiness has become super short lived.

My boyfriend has shifted abroad and we’ve just been fighting so much. I miss him so much and nothing is making me feel better about it. Our future is super uncertain and we don’t know when we will be able to meet next and I hate uncertainty. I’m really grateful for him that he’s been very adjusting and supportive but I just feel like I keep wanting more. I don’t want him to have any stress or pressure because of me but I don’t know how to make things better and it sucks.

On the family front, I can not stand my dad. Everything about him makes me so mad. Him being at home is a trigger point for me so much that I’m unable to work. He’s just not a good human being–always criticising, finding faults and thinking about the worse outcomes. My worst fear is that I’ll turn out to be like him. I’m grateful for my mother who’s been like my best friend but lately that’s also been changing. Both of us have become super irritable and fights keep happening over small small issue. I hate fighting with her but I just can’t get myself to go and talk to her after a fight. I’ve reached a stage in life where I somewhere know that I am I the only support I have for myself–it sucks but that’s the truth I guess. Because of this my attitude has become fuck it for everything that annoys me or tries to make me unhappy. Might not be the best way to deal with stuff but idk what else I can do.

I also hate the fact that my family is poor. Everyone around me in my extended family and friend circle is so much better off than we are. I feel so small because of it. My literal life goal is to become more financially stable and really live a life of respect and dignity. I never want anyone to look down on my parents just because of money. I want people to enter our home and say wow it’s so beautiful. But right now I just feel like moving away from this house!

Lastly, I’m extremely scared that I might have some health issue going on which I’ve been trying to avoid and really scared to face it now. Since I was a child I used to faint when I was faced with an extremely painful situations and periods certainly don’t make things easy. I’ve fainted a couple of times before also but last week I fainted early morning on my second day and hit my head really badly. My parents have been extremely worried and I don’t like that. I don’t like my body being so weak.

I’ve not been able to exercise well and because of that gained weight leading to body image issues. Everyone I meet has been pointing out something or the other about my appearance because of which I’ve become extremely conscious of it. They talk about my under eye, weight gain, big teeth, anything and everything. The feeling sucks. I feel people need to be more sensitive about others. You don’t know what the other person might be insecure about. Please respect that!