Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

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Tyler @tyler

I don’t know who to talk and don’t really want to talk to anyone but you. But here’s what’s going through my head. Why am I the one who is leaving when I’m not the one who wants out.  Why am I away from my family when I want my family to be together. Well the easy answer is because what else am I suppose to do. You can’t afford to leave so you should stay here. Hmmmmm that seems kinda wrong tho. You don’t want to be with me. So why shouldn’t you leave instead of me. Why should I give in and leave my kids and house because you don’t want to do this anymore. If I look down deep inside of myself I know the answer. Why do I do it. Because maybe you will change your mind and not leave me. Maybe you will realize you do still love me as a spouse. But as you said the other night why wouldn’t get you cake and eat it too. If you stay here and I’m always here to support you then why would you ever want to come back to me.  You probably won’t. You said that if your doing it alone anyways why not be alone. I agree with that thought. It makes sense to me. The way things are, your not alone your just not committed to me anymore. What the hell is wrong with me that I want to support someone who doesn’t want me any more. Because maybe you will come back. Maybe you will change your mind or realize I still love him and want him to be my partner again. I want to ask you to leave but I don’t want you to be somewhere that isn’t safe. I don’t want to ask you to leave because I don’t want to lose you and don’t you to be away from me. But you are away from me. We are not a couple. We are coparents. I’m not sure what I really want or want to do. I’m so confused and am all over the place. What to do, what to do?  I don’t know. I don’t how things are going to look over the next couple weeks, months, yrs. I feel like I’m shorting myself and still putting your needs ahead of my own. Is that right? Shouldn’t I take care of you even tho we aren’t together? I don’t know. I’m hurting and broken and scared that I messed up the best thing I ever had.

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