I dont know who to be mad at so i’ll just be mad at myself. i love my mom but the amount of trauma she gave me is sad, she had a shitty life too so i try justifying her actions but, it still hurts a lot . I had to raise myself and my siblings while she worked, it would be understandable if that was it but she also picked favorites, and to her it was my brother. While me and my young sister saw from the side lines, she and my brother would do stuff together without us, my dad who was even worse that my mom picked my sister. I as the oldest had to look out for them but nobody ever looked out for me, every time i was scared or hurt i had to suck it up because no one was coming to save me. I had to grow up alone and fast, never given the chance to be a child. I grew up with no love or affection from both of my parents and now that im older they want to give it to me?? and when i refuse or reject their love they get mad like they aren’t the ones who made me like this !! i feel uncomfortable being given affection and love because ive never felt it. I hate that im like this, i hate that i cant receive or give love, i hate that i cant use my words to say what i feel, i hate that i can’t trust others because ive been hurt by the people i trusted. I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH FOR BEING THE WAY I AM. i can’t blame my mom because she had a worse life and my father, i hate him but i also don’t want to blame him. Its probably my fault tho, i should have fixed myself before it was to late. Im angry at myself for being who i am and although i hate affection and love, i wish someone would hug me and tell me everything is going to be ok, just how i imagined when i was little and scared.
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