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Depression Trigger Warning
Anonymous

I dont know who to be mad at so i’ll just be mad at myself. i love my mom but the amount of trauma she gave me is sad, she had a shitty life too so i try justifying her actions but, it still hurts a lot . I had to raise myself and my siblings while she worked, it would be understandable if that was it but she also picked favorites, and to her it was my brother. While me and my young sister saw from the side lines, she and my brother would do stuff together without us, my dad who was even worse that my mom picked my sister. I as the oldest had to look out for them but nobody ever looked out for me, every time i was scared or hurt i had to suck it up because no one was coming to save me. I had to grow up alone and fast, never given the chance to be a child. I grew up with no love or affection from both of my parents and now that im older they want to give it to me?? and when i refuse or reject their love they get mad like they aren’t the ones who made me like this !! i feel uncomfortable being given affection and love because ive never felt it. I hate that im like this, i hate that i cant receive or give love, i hate that i cant use my words to say what i feel, i hate that i can’t trust others because ive been hurt by the people i trusted. I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH FOR BEING THE WAY I AM. i can’t blame my mom because she had a worse life and my father, i hate him but i also don’t want to blame him. Its probably my fault tho, i should have fixed myself before it was to late. Im angry at myself for being who i am and although i hate affection and love, i wish someone would hug me and tell me everything is going to be ok, just how i imagined when i was little and scared.

7 Comments

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Why are you mad at yourself? Whatever you are right now is because of the circumstances that you’ve faced.
Bro, you should be proud of yourself! After reading this, I realized how brave you are and you were so mature at such a young age. You looked out for everyone. That is not easy but you pulled it off.
Now, you cannot change the past. So there is no point in wandering about the things that you’ve faced. So just relax now. Time is making you stronger.
Keep going…trust me, everything’s gonna be okay :)

Anonymous

i’m mad at myself because i’m not able to be the person i wish i could be for myself and for others, you’re right, i should be proud of myself but i can’t help but feel like a failure. im 18 now and should know how to deal with myself but i still feel like the scared little child. I try not to get hung up on the past but sometimes i feel like i can’t escape from it. But even though i feel like this, reading your words make me feel better, time has and will make me stronger, and one day i hope i can come to accept me and my flaws. I hope one day i can be ok. thank you. :)

You’re 18, probably in the final year of high school or in college. So work hard, focus on your career. In this way, you can definitely be who you aspire to be.
Since you’ll be independent, you can do whatever you want to do, you can even help your siblings.

w

I wish I could hug you. But I can tell you everything will get better.
Maybe now you can find the inner child in you.
I understand the anger towards your family it isn’t wrong for you to feel this way. But you shouldn’t hold it for a life time. In the end you’re the only miserable one in this situation.
If possible try talking to them

Anonymous

Thank you for the advice! im not angry at them, im angry at myself but you’re right, i should let go of this anger i feel, all it does is make me more depressed. I dont talk with my father anymore and my mother gets very defensive when i tell her im hurt at how she treated me as a child :) , sometimes parents just dont want to face the fact that they treated their children like shit. but i still have some hope that things will get better someday!! :]

w

Things will get better very soon. Don’t worry. Just try your best to not let them affect you

m

It’s so sad that you’re having such a hard time right now. Fortunately, even though the pain you’re suffering today feels unique to you, it actually isn’t-

“What has been is what will be,
And what has been done will be done again;
There is nothing new under the sun.” -Ecclesiastes 1:9

This means that if others in similar or even worse conditions found the help they needed to take control of their lives so can you. Question is, what are you willing to give up to become the very best version of yourself?