Trigger Warning I don’t know who I am. I grew up with childhood emotional neglect and am struggling to see my own worth and importance. My life feels so empty. I don’t know what to do. It seems like no matter how much self improvement I do I just end up feeling lost and alone. I don’t know how much more of it I can take. Sometimes I just feel like there’s no point in life and no amount of effort I put in is going to fix it. Sometimes I feel like it would just be better to end my life and put an end to my suffering.
Bani Singh @banisinghvasir
I feel you. I, too, have questioned my existence and purpose in the past. There have been times when I had felt lost for the longest period of time. And when I started thinking about the world in its entirety, every effort I made seemed even more futile. Over time, I made peace with the fact that that’s what life is. To find that one thing, one mission that you want to leave your mark on the world with. It could be fighting climate change, providing care to animals, helping the homeless; I think recognising the privilege that I had and not rendering my efforts as futile is what helped me get going and to start this website. I have previously worked towards spreading awareness on Organ Donation and that’s also one of the times I had felt most centred in my life. To know that I am part of something bigger than myself and to surrender to whatever little effort I could make towards making the world a better place. My mother says one’s actions in a particular direction are like a ball that keeps rolling and gaining momentum and volume as one keeps persevering. Maybe you don’t need further self improvement actively, because you are a good person and need to spread your wings to help others. Oftentimes, we judge ourselves too hard, because of every criticism we have heard in our upbringing. And it is not easy, to pull oneself from the trenches of despair but this is a journey of self-love and self-belief. Because the validation that we so often look for from others is almost never going to be there. We have to learn to form our identity. What is going to make me proud? What is going to make me live with myself in peace? It is a tumultuous albeit rewarding journey that you should take and are in fact are already a part of. There are days when one just wants to give everything up, because we think, “Why? What’s even the point?” But you know what? You’ve made it this far, and you’ll be able to get through this too. Just be gentler on yourself, on your worth, your mind, your body. Because you are who you are, and that is all that matters and you are enough. Just started practicing kindness and gratitude. As clichéd, scam-ey, cheesy as it sounds there is nothing else that keeps one sane and motivated. And trust me, nobody REALLY knows who they are. Most of the people who seem so confident and sure of themselves, their path and their destinies also feel lost and some of them are just pretending because that is their coping mechanism of coming to terms with their emptiness. You don’t need to pretend, you need to seek. Seek and ye shall find. Hang in there; you matter. You will find your purpose, even if that purpose is being a regular person. because the truth is regularity is underrated. Everyone just wants to be epic, phenomenal, ground-breaking, historic. And honestly that’s what’s the most bs; because there is a nature of regularity in that too. That’s still a herd, different herd, but still a herd. Maybe your purpose is to be a very kind person. Maybe you can help boost the morale of other children who sadly have to face so much neglect when they should only be showered with love and affection. You are seeking, and therefore you will definitely find it. Stay strong, and have patience and belief, because you can’t see right now how your journey will inspire others. Now&Me community has got you, so don’t leave us. Your experiences matter to so many others who will read this, and feel that connect towards you, so thank you for sharing, thank you for being so selfless. I end this on a note of love, faith and perseverance Ryan, you’ve got this.
What you need to do is a tough job and by the looks of it, you are currently feeling the toughness of it. There are so many of us neglected children, learning to meet ourselves, love ourselves and reparent ourselves all at the same time!This is so crazy to me and sometimes it angers me about all the efforts that goes in unnoticed and without any actual tangible result. But congratulate yourself, you are on a journey that a lot of tunnel visioned people never get to make. Take it slow. You are meeting a child thats lost and confused. Show it love and compassion. Give it a safe haven. Validate the feelings of confusion and anger. Build a secure foundation bit by bit. Refer to the holistic psychologist. She is on insta as well as youtube. I hope this helps:)
Bani Singh @banisinghvasir
So happy to hear that Ryan, keep shining! (^_^)
Thank you so much for your kind words :) I’m so grateful that you took the time and effort to write detailed responses; two strangers putting this time and effort in has helped me see a bit more of my worth as a person. I’m really starting to slow down and be more gentle with myself and show myself that I’m worthy. This was very much needed at this time. Thank you Bani :) Thank you Avni :)