I dont know how to begin this. I dont even know if this site is worth anything but here goes. For years now I’ve being suffering from depression and suicidal thoughts and I’ve never told anyone. Not friends or even family. It’s almost a reflex to smile and make them laugh. I didnt even know what was wrong until I caught myself thinking about suicide while out with my friends. I was actively trying to act normal, I then realized I had a pattern of this and that’s when it finally sunk in how deep I was in this pit. I cant look at myself in the mirror without feeling anxiety and having self destructive thoughts pop into my head. I cry myself to sleep I just want to be able to open up but I dont know how to Express feelings. I feel embarrassed that I feel this way which makes me feel worse. I use to cut myself as a teen and now lately as my depression gets worse I am getting the urge again. I feel so alone I just want it to be over I’m tired of crying and laughing and pretending I just want to sleep.
Kindsoul @atozali
I myself tried commiting suicide once but I failed because I was taken to hospital on time but you know what now I regret doing that even thinking about that no matter how bad life sometimes become how bad I feel I push myself to work it out and Even sometimes I don’t win but I don’t regret trying I so can not forget the face of my Mother and Father while they were rushing me to the hospital so helpless so much pain in their eyes they thought it was their fault that I did that they were not able to watch me because when they do they used to cry in the corner and that time that bluddy time I promised myself no matter how hard life becomes I would never ever give up and here I’m healthy and out of depressed phase.
I’m sorry that it had to go that far before you could heal yourself but I’m glad to hear someone made it out.
I desperately want to tell someone in my family.
I just wish I knew how to get the words out to one of them. I’ve never given them reason to think something’s wrong… on the outside I act completely different. I’m cynical sure but I make jokes I’m easy going but inside I feel like Im slowly dying. Makes me feel selfish to even think about sitting them down to talk like what business do I have to even take up there time or I think deep down they dont care anyway I’d just be wasting my time…
I’d rather hear your story than attend your funeral. i’m saying this to you because i’m going through the same thing and i have absolutely no idea how to feel. when you said smiling and making people laugh was a reflex i felt that on a personal level more than you know. i don’t now you and im sending this anonymously because i want you to know that even someone you don’t know and someone you’re probably never going to meet doesn’t want you gone.
Hey @twistan98, I hear you. I am a working woman and I go through this everyday. On the outside, I am the reliable bossbabe. On the inside, there’s this loneliness that doesn’t seem to end. Nights are spent on tears. Mornings are rushes because I’m expected to carry out my duties. I had history of self harm but now I see my body as a temple. That means, it is sacred. I don’t have the right to do anything with it. What I can do is nurture it, take care of it to the extent that’s possible by me. There are days I go without taking care of myself but once I realize I’m falling into this habit I get up from the bed and wash my face with cold water. It makes me feel better albeit temporarily. I try not to think of harming myself. I have made a difference in the lives of a lot of people and doing so, even if that means I feel emotionally numb. Even if there’s no hope for tomorrow, I live for this moment. This mindfulness is what is making my life bearable. So, whenever you get the thought of harming yourself, take a deep breath, don’t think of anything. Just your breath and how amazing it is to be able to just live, to just breathe. What you said about seeing in the mirror, I went through that as well. I broke all the mirrors in my room because all I could see when I looked into the mirror was a sad helpless woman with dead eyes. I have been ingrained with low self esteem since I was young. I try to think of things that made me happy, that made me feel accomplished and that’s enough of a reason to keep living. Also, I have read a lot of books about WW2 and have realized that I have been blessed to live this life. Imagine what the people who were inhumanely killed during the war. Don’t we all deserve to be alive even if that means living with uncertainty, insecurity and sadness? Because to be alive is the greatest thing to happen.
On a side note, there’re Chinese movies by name ‘To Live’ and ‘Ocean’s Heaven’. I watch them/read quotes from them when I feel like I’m in a deep pit.
Kindsoul @atozali
I completely understand what you’re saying about confronting your feelings to your parents is more difficult then taking off your life when they have zero Idea what you’re dealing with, I have had this feeling too but trust me may be they really are good in listening if you know the right way to make them understand especially a mother mine never used to sit and talk much she was very strict since in the hospital when she came and looked at me with eyes filled with tears I hugged her and cried out my every pain through my tears she understood how extreme pain i was facing but then after that she always ask me how am I doing and everything I’m planning to do about my friends, I can sense it she is trying to comfort me and tell me indirectly that I’m here for you no matter what.
Kindsoul @atozali
Since childhood, in the*
Thank all of you! Obviously I’m not cured of these feelings but hearing these words of encouragement helps . If anyone wants to (I’m not trying to be creepy) I have a private instagram if you’d like to DM and talk privately. Its twistan98
Umm… I’m not here to preach you how life is priceless because I’m more than certain that you have come across such messages innumerable times.I really empathise with you on the fact that only we can be the true judge of the extent of our sufferings and our endurance and no has the the right to belittle our problems… But the thing which restrains me from surrendering to that peaceful slumber is that maybe tomorrow something gonna happen that will change my life even in the smallest of ways and maybe I’ll never look back… Maybe.
