I don’t know how I mustered up the courage to say this but I also don’t have any choice it seems. Could you help me out?
Warning: It’s long.
Just a disclaimer: I did visit a therapist and took pills but after a two years I willing stopped taking it wanting to over-power my depression thoughts with positive ones.
Though I did break down certain times overall, I was fine. Just a brief description, I had a troubled childhood. Sexually abused by someone I know at a smaller age multiple times and then growing up in an unstable family where physical abuse and shouting were an everyday routine with nonsupporting parents and siblings I grew up. My childhood was traumatized cause, unfortunately, I remember the smallest things over my lifetime. I voiced about the abuse but was asked to keep shut and then it happened when I was a teenager, At the same time my parents separated for a brief moment and I had to stay with that man. It was horrifying. My health deteriorated and frankly, my parents never noticed because they the busy in their lives.
My mother had a friend whom she grew an unusual liking towards and after he left she started portraying weird behavior. Her mental illness was severe by the time I was twelve. It was scary. She blamed me for everything and gradually she mistreated me certain times. Cussing me, calling me terrible names a girl can be insulted by, publicly humiliating me to screaming on the streets. She would accuse any person of being a rapist, or someone wanting to do something bad and it was all directed towards me. She believed my own father to be using me and her words according to her imaginations tore my life apart.
I was locked in a room, I hardly spoke; you could only imagine what it made me went through.
I grew up far away from home, in a convent hostel. I always had trouble making friends or talking to new people. I was afraid of human beings and you can guess why and every time I came home hell would break loose. In high school, I was sent to Kota where I met him. He did his best to make my life perfect then collapsed it all. After a year of our relationship, he called me in and tried sexually assaulting me, I left. He went on to beat any guy who spoke to me and made sure to know everything about my daily life basis. At this point, I pushed away from my parents so far that even they didn’t understand if I cried with tears rolling down my eyes in front of them. Scary? This was not the end. What made me push myself away from dad? He was the abusive parent and especially after finding out the connection between my mom and that guy … he wasn’t the same. Not every daughter stays up at night to clean up their parents made or take care of a beaten mom. I managed to run away from there but gradually had to come back when he screwed my life to the scariest level. He shifted to the flat above me where he would fight with me and everything that came to his head. I was always severely allergic to tobacco and he took extensive care to make me suffocate. To be honest, that one year I fell in love with him because probably he was the first person I opened up to. Slowly I came to know that every time he couldn’t come he was away in a room with a girl. He even double-dated me the whole first year until I became a crazy obsession.
My faith dissolved, to be honest because the girl he went into the room with was my roommate whom I grew close to, my only friend in the entire Kota.
Today I am fine. I cut hand, wrote many suicide letters to only leave it unfinished. I lived for imagination- a future I created for myself. I joined college, change my nature into a bit jolly one, smiled at everything managed to be happy. I did cry a night wanting the anxiety to stop and sleep. I had grown insomniac many years ago.
Rishi, that’s the guy I am engaged to now. He knows everything and genuinely supports and protects me. It is weird how we met. First as classmates, then friends to best friends to couples. A journey my parents tried screwing up but he held my hand. He is crazy careful with me as if I am a glass baby. I never knew I would meet someone like him In this lifetime. I shared my dreams with him and everything is perfect but then comes my head.
I have been cheated, hurt, body-shamed to eve teased to experiencing nightmares. I know I trust him I have tremendous faith in him but I get so anxious when he receives a late-night call or he doesn’t update me in his everyday routine. I know its hard even for him and I don’t pressurize him much just a few days back I don’t know what took over me and I fought calling him a cheater for no apparent reason after coming out of the phase I apologized but I know I hurt him. I talk about breaking up in small things and it is obvious for any person to get frustrated by this over and over again. Even if he is the most caring guy on earth he is a human too.
I don’t want to depend on pills and fight with this, I need a normal life without being under the trance the pills put mee on and it’s just certain times I get triggered. I don’t know what to do.