I cant forgive myself. Even if i try avoiding thinking about some things in the past, Whenever that image comes into my mind, a thought comes, ‘I want to die’.
Although I dont have any suicidal tendencies. Its just that those words come into my mind. I know I need to sort things out by talking to some people, and reach a resolution. But, even thinking about it causes anxiety. So, I have been delaying and delaying. Which is not helping my state of mind. There is so much agony and if not that, then a feeling of low, as if there is no purpose or a feeling of worthlessness. Even if i think of doing something, Doubts creep in and i only remember the mistakes, not the good things.
I have been taking sessions with a therapist since the past few months. I try to think how to get out of this ‘Loop’, which I am in. The ‘Loop’ of guilt-self loathing-apathy-guilt’. When i try to find the root cause of all this- it does stem from my poor communication or lets say, not sharing my feelings with people. If I had shared my insecurities which were feeding my anxiety, maybe things would have sorted out. I did share it then, but not with the intensity with which I was feeling inside. The empathy in me didnt allow me to pressurize much, thinking the opposite person also has his own sets of problems.
Its been 2 years now and i feel the empathy didnt do much good except 2 years of agony and the ‘Loop’. I am not laying the blame on something, but i am tired. I am tired of being in this condition. I am tired. I am numb. I am restless. I am lost.
How is the therapy sessions helping you in this? Do you feel like u might come out if this loop with help?
Sometimes, it does feel positive. I feel the potential of what i could do, and it lifts me up a bit. But i feel stuck most of the times. Whatever we agree on doing in the sessions, I keep on delaying it coz of the anxiety. I feel distracted which doesnt allow me to focus on things i ought to do. And the days just go by.
I think for distraction…you can always plan your day ahead of time. Helps you focus on what’s really imp.
Yeah. I do plan, but then i procrastinate. I also dont have a morning schedule. So, Its all a mess.
Make a schedule from. Start if thr day to end of the day…if followojg up with it is a problem then make someone in your life help you do it