Thought

@carrion

I cannot be idle without either slipping into depression or getting drunk/high. I use whatever I can to alter my perception of reality. I have had nothing traumatic happen to me. I am not physically addicted to anything. I have an intense need for attention. I am very good with people when I imbibe the right amount of alcohol. But the right amount of alcohol often leads to the wrong amount and I fuck up somehow. My job means I am alone almost all the time. I have a family (wife 3 kids 2 of which are at home and young) I need to talk right now. I donโ€™t know what about but I need to be distracted for a while

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2 replies
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Anonymous
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Hi, you can talk about anything you want to here. Here to listen to you.
I can understand the feeling when youโ€™re idle. Have you tried doing things you like or your hobbies when you are idle? for example, if youโ€™re free, instead of drinking, have you tried reading a book or listening to music or watching a movie or whatever it is that you like doing. You can probably try to find those distractions when youโ€™re idle and which make you feel even a tad bit better. So, thereโ€™s this โ€œ5 second ruleโ€ that whenever you NOT want to do something, just count โ€œ5 4 3 2 1โ€ and stop. Just stop doing whatever you were about to do and leave. Thatโ€™s your gut instinct telling you to stop. For example, if youโ€™re about to drink and youโ€™ve your glass in front of you, just count " 5 4 3 2 1" get up and leave. This might actually help!

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Anonymous
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Hello there. This sounds like how my dad was. He worked the graveyard shift at work and when he would come home, he drank until he blacked out on the carpet, in front of the TV.

I reflected on the fact that he was married with two children and that he gave up a lot of his time providing for his family.

Yes, he had a hobby - he liked to build computers - self taught too! He was funny and creative and I miss him.

He came from a lower middle class family with racist parents and he wanted nothing more to get away from them - surprisingly he was the โ€œblack sheepโ€ of the family because he wasnโ€™t racist and thought that wasnโ€™t a nice way to treat people even though he was born in 1950.

I always felt like he could have expanded his horizons - he once admitted to me that heโ€™d sit in a class at a near by university. He understood what was being taught and enjoyed going but his family couldnโ€™t afford it and he never used his GI Bill to return to higher education. I wish that he did - maybe he wouldโ€™ve found a major that truly interested him rather than constantly being Dad or a husband and just be him, as a person.

I think this is your time to do just that - find an interest that is for you. I know that sounds like a โ€œmid life crisisโ€ clichรฉ but we all want to break free (sorry, Queen reference!). Thereโ€™s nothing wrong with wanting to continue to grow as a person and hopefully, your family will support you in this.

Good luck.

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