Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I am so upset about myself, my family, and my life. Sometimes I think I am great, I am good, I am lucky I am amazing in my thought and in my own little world. Because I face any problem. I saw that when everyone changed everyone, everyone. Even parents too. I did not think I will see the horror face of my parents. I love my mom like she is my world, she is my breath, my lifeline, my blood, but my life end, my blood changed, my world changed in a flash of eyes, my lifeline about to end. because when I see changes in my mom my world converts. I into sorrow,everyone looks mess and horror, worst. I am the happiest girl but my loved ones changed me saddest girl.that not good. because I do not want to be sad in my life I know life short we should enjoy it, but when I start to laugh I want to be happy why they can not bear it. They all time try to make me sad. She can not understand my love for her.my heart broke why she does not understand my feelings why she does not understand my love for her, why she gives me pain even she is my mom, not a stranger or boy. I hear from lots of people do not do love with strangers it will give you pain so I do not do that, i do with my mom pure love , unconditional then I get hurts? Many people interested in me, many men, but I do not give my attention. they want to marry me, but I prefer my mom’s choice. she chooses a man for me, who texts me on Facebook she like her .she said she wants to marry me with me I said ok.she said to contact him, he also wants to contact him I obey her.he always want to contact me. I respect him. I obey always whatever he said but the right things.my nature I do not contact anyone if they do not text me first, I do not contact him if he does not try, same as I did not contact him, not call and text.once a day he calls me .and aggressive with me about my behavior he tells a lot of time please contact me. I like it. I saturated after he insistence. I was start interest in him, in his talks, I was like his big words like ï can leave the world for you¨I love you"etc.when when my mom saw I am happy with him.she start to interfere she starts to call him.and talk with him like she is her close and some talk that not seems good.I take a step back because he also talk with her that I do not as .i said in my self ok if you are happy like that i am happy too in your wishes.They both worried wy I am silent why I do not interfere,why I am not reacting. he again calls me and asks I was silent I said nothing.he tried a lot I said if you are mine then no one has right over you, even you have not right over you, you are my only mine because I am very positive. I explain to him I did not doubt you and on my mom but I do not like this closeness.he laughs and mockery me. but suddenly everything strange she starts to call him daily but behind me, I mean I was not aware of that. one day a saw some pictures she sent him and she talks with him I was not like that. if you want to marry your daughter with someone you should not close to that person.it looks awkward.but she said he want to marry her, he said he will tell me everything after some time, I was shocked. I come back home I ask is it right he said no.it is not right. but I fight with him I said if you want him you can tell me I will help both of you to be together he said are you made I am 26 and she is 40 how I can marry with her.i call my mom and asked in on live call mom he said he not talk anything like that she said yes he is right he said nothing. after the end of all she agreed with me.she said why you asked that it is our personal.it is not your headache he took a promise from me that I will tell you nothing until something happen. I was silent and shocked it is your personal when you decide to marry me someone and who interest in you according to you.how it is your personal it is my life and how you said it is not my headache anyways I quit.and whole night I was not able to sleep. just thinking again and again. I think I am 18 and she wants to marry when I am not ready and she talks about those who marry me. what going on…I am still shocked.but he does not stop to contact me. he calls me, texts me.on another side she all time try to contact me.she said to leave him when I start to like him.I said ok I left him.I call him and said goodbye because my mom does not want me with you anymore I cried a lot my eyes swell and he also cried, he can not come because he is in another country.I said do not cry in this world have lots of girls who are beautiful more than me.he said no I do not want anyone in my life except you.if Turk princess wants to marry me I will refuse her.finally on-call he said promise I will spend my whole life alone if not you then no one.I was cried a lot I took a promise you will marry he said ok if you find a girl for me then I said ok.My mom saw me in the garden I was frightened she call me loudly Amtul come in the room fast I said by then I blocked him on watts app.I go to the room.she scolds me.she asked why you call him when I said to leave him i said because I want to say goodbye because i spend 6 months in a relationship with me what happens if this relation on just call but it has importance like someone meets eachother.but she angered.After that, I wept the whole night.no any second I was not wept.I pry O Allah please give me sleep otherwise I will die to remember him.then suddenly I sleep when I awake in the morning then I know what was happening yesterday I cried again I call him again unblocked him I was say nothing just silence I text him please speak I want to listen to your voice he spoke.and laugh with his friends I happy then I end the call and text him good to hear you are happy then finally I blocked him forever suddenly he text to my mom I am going to cut my vain if you do not allow Amtul to call me.she calls me Amtul come here I go there she said to call him fast he will hurt his self I shocked I called and again silent he scold me Amtul get up wash your face and do breakfast.I did all of that.he said ¨i am going to job I will call you later¨ I said ok.Then she said nothing to me.But continuously try to approach him.I asked her to do you want to marry him she said yes I want.I was speechless.I get up from bed and silent , quit.I saw two faces.I said ok I will try for you to talk with him about it.several I call him but he shares his emotions.he said I love you.I do not want to be without you.I can not live without you.I was silent.I am really upset.And I do not sponsor him because i do not want him to stay at my house because I want to go to my house very far away.where I can not come back to my house.I love my siblings but I do not want to hurt myself anymore because there is a difference between my love because I love them but they do not. I think I am servent to them I awake daily in the morning and prepared breakfast for them but they not appreciate me.it hurt me because I know everyone works for their family but their families treat them in a good way and appreciate but I have not been received anything.sometimes I think she also wants love, he is caring I think that is why she loves him.I do not what is reality do nit what will my future why my life showing me a weird face.That I was not thinking.I was that person who said my house is heaven, Now I am that person who said my home is toxic I want to spend the whole time outside very far away from my house.Today I go to the park and I go very very far there is very little option for my family person come.I stay for 3 or 5 hours.And I called 72 old men. I said I want to share with you something.he comes near me I told him a very little bit when he starts talking I did not understand what he saying because he have not teeth his voice was uncleared.and he was also smelly because he is not able to bathe his arm and legs broken or cracked.but I understand him a little bit he told me he spends his whole life alone he does not marry because he wants to spend his life as he wants to be.he also face possible things in his family.he was suddenly sad and his face red I hold his hand I said do not be sad you are strong he said yes.he said you looking like 15 I said no I am 18 he shocked. I laughed.But after some time he goes.I was going to find a job before going to the park but these shop managers said no we have helpers already I was sad top.I want to be a doctor but I can not study I do not know what will happen to me.My marriage with him will happy or not.how many exams I have to give.I was excepting another in my life about marriage I wish always my husband should like my friend not to be a bossy man.but I do not know what will happen may ALLAH help me.I have the option to spend life happily is just marriage because my house life is horrible and I saw lots of worst time in my life except for that.Now I am just passing time but I am wishing for spending my time with my partner very happily.I will obey my husband I will respect him.protect him , cared for him and I just need love after my all care and love.I will serve myself as he wants to be me.but I just need love on behalf of everything that I will do from him.I do not know what will happen.I just wish.Please Allah no more pain, no no I do not want any more pain.sorry if anyone hurt or worried after reading it.