jkeaufst @maarnein
I am on vacation right now, trying to stay positive, sitting near the pool right now and writing this while watching my cousins have a water fight, I would like to join them but I can’t. Its not that I wouldn’t like to, its just that its really hard when I cant even put my mind on something else then someone that has ruined this year for me, the year that was supposed to be my year, turning 14. after all of the incidents and conflicts it feels like my brain is going to explode, every little thought irritates me, because its about the same thing just in different perspectives. I really do hate it, more than ever, even though its just a part of growing up, and of living life. what would life be without bad things huh? it would be really weird wouldn’t it? since nothing and no one is perfect. and everything has consequences, even the things that seems to be the best, for example having friends. I had a friend in the beginning of this year, he was the sweetest when I got to know him, I loved to listen to him talking about his interest, and sharing mine. everyday felt great because of him. he did so many stupid things but got away with it, because I didn’t want to believe that one of my first really good friends did horrible things. but deep down I knew and got hurt from what he did. Im gonna be really honest, I lied to him. I promised him that I would help him with any problem he had, but I knew I couldn’t. every time he vented to me I would have a breakdown because I never knew how to possibly help him, and how to make him feel better. because I never got that help when I needed it, but I felt like I needed to help other people that were going trough the same thing, because I wanted to protect them from having similar problems and feelings as mine. because every time he asked me how I felt, I also lied, I always said the same old thing, “I am fine, thank you so much for asking”, trying to say it as politely as possible to not be suspicious, and because of that he or anyone didn’t notice. but at the same time I was acting like a real maniac haha. no but to be more precisely, my mood changed to quickly, and that my friends, that is the results for not getting the help that you need. I went from totally obsessed to ignoring that person in less then an hour. it went on and on like that until I had my breakdowns, I made up things in my own brain to trick myself to think that there was nothing wrong with me, only that it was something wrong with the people around me, that they did something wrong, not me. lucky this didn’t happen often, but it happened to often. Im so sorry that people around me needed to deal with that because it must feel terrible to be accused of something you haven’t even done. but during that time, I wanted him to view me as normal, someone who was mentally stable and someone that could help him, just like a therapist. but then my terrible mood swings came in time by time and he seemed to be terrified of me for some weeks when it first happened and of course, I blamed myself so much so I didn’t even want to talk to him anymore. but I did and Im pretty sure he got used to it to a point I didn’t even realize what I was doing at all. it was like it was a part of my daily behavior, which led me to lose another friend. and that I never could address my behavior, and that I still can’t just feels horrible. it feels horrible because I never realized what I did, but I later on got time to think about why he stopped being my friend. because, surprisingly, after all the bad he did, he decided to leave me without a clear reason. that of course messed up my life, because, I can get very obsessed easily, and when I do it can get very bad. it was very late at night if I remember right, I talked with him and then he started to text me really weird, of course I got concerned so I asked him why he texted me like that. then he told me that he didn’t want to talk to me anymore and I watched that message, starred at the bright pc screen in the middle of the night, reading each word after each, checking the words over and over again to see if I was being paranoid as most people tell me I am, or if it actually was true. it felt like the longest minutes of my life. I couldn’t move, I was like glued to my chair. my eyes were wide open, my heart skipped some beats probably. I started to shake, I wasn’t cold or anything, I just couldn’t move, I was feeling terrible, Ive never felt so bad before, my whole head was hurting and the same with my stomach, I was so stressed and scared. but I couldn’t cry, I just couldn’t, it felt impossible, and since that day, I have never cried. I was so shocked, I felt so empty, that was the only feeling Ive felt since then. that moment had driven me crazy. I was driven on my control, I wanted control, over everyone, everything, every little thing that I could see or that existed. I wanted to feel powerful, it was the only thing that could satisfy me for some reason. I would look down on people, I wouldn’t even talk to anyone, I considered that contact with other people more than myself or my voices ruined me. I was so weak but yet felt so powerful. it felt like I was going insane, and I was so desperate, I swear, I could have done anything I wanted for literally any cost at all. it was unhealthy to feel like that and to have that mindset to a point where I couldn’t even recognize myself.
