Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

i am not feeling good today i dont know how to express myself when my parents scold me or beats me because i am not doing any work in home i just told myself k i am the wrong here its k i told myself everytime because i am not good daughter i cheated my parents telling a lie about my studying 5 years until now also i am not honest with them y because in there eyes i always a topper in school like that i was good at studying until 9th but later i was like going down in my life maybe because of phone or not i dont know then i joined the pu college k let forget everything just i am trying get myself back how i am in 9th but i cant i am always seeing phone nothing studied i always lie my parents i got good marks in my life time i didnt expect i had to get a zero marks everyday telling a lie one day they knew about my half truth i am telling a lie for them i dont know i am just stuck i cant studying like a topper i am covid batch student in my college they put a poster like how many students get a distinction so i am in 47 th rank so thats i didnt tod my parents one day we have to get tc to join the enginnering collge but we already shift in banglore they didnt le me go alone i thought k today is my last day everything they knew about today then she saw the poster she beats me in a road like a i am a dog but i am not blaming her its totally my fault y i counldnt telll her anything i thought if they know i am not good at studying they will hurt or i am afraid they will beat me so i started lieing for them then my mom cried so much shes like i cant live anymore because i have brother he also didnt study he droput when he was 12th so when i seeing her crying my heart was broken i told myself i was not a good daughter k then i thought k lets forgot the past just move on now only i can prove myself now i dont want lie to them but this time also i am same who i am in pu clg i diidnt change a bit i already finished 2 years enginering still i am lieing them but in 4thsem i got 80 still i cant satisfy myself i diidnt study that much this time i tell them the truth i got 80 but still i was lieing to them now they didnt scold me to not get good marks but still they want get good marks but they always compare with my friends well i am not looking and also i am fat and also i am not doing any work in home so they always compare with my friends i dont know but i dont like doing work in home every time they beat me i told myself its k i am not daughter they are expecting just let go but u know i also have little bit emotions k its my fault to born to ba as her daughter if i do the work even they didint satisy my situation like i coundnt kill myself also because they raised me 20 years so if god appears me my only wish is just disappear me and also in their memories also because if they forget me they didnt know about they had a daughter right? i am not changing its just hurt the i am just not good daughter they want a daughter like my friend not me because i am not like them …
i just want to disapear in everyone life i am not hurting only my parents i hurted so many peoples …so may be i never change my apperence always hurt them…did god really heard my voice?..