Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I am having tough time with my career phase. As a child I have always been very avg always in 60-55% percentage. I have failed my school monthly exams too from one or two subject every single time. Since starting I didn’t had much interest in studies. But watching nat geography , discovery tv channel fascinated me very much. By the time of 10 th class from somewhere I got interest in biology so took physics chemistry biology in 11 , 12th , but I never ever gave my best I’ll say I never tried by the end of 12th I was so frustrated with competitive coaching environment that I gave up the idea of becoming a doctor , I wanted to run from it . But bio was the only subject I good , I very much disliked rest . One day while watching nat geography I saw a little snippets of geologist life , that instance I decided to become that but I didn’t have much knowledge about subject I took admission in college as I was very late for others in 3 years course I didn’t studied the subject , as I HATED my college so much. That I didn’t had a single friend there , pursing bsc here in India isn’t respected and I have to say reality of academia (phds) are so scary here . PhD here are meant to be teachers. I had dream of becoming scientist doing great deeds basically romanticized the subject forgetting the realities by the end of degree I realised truth of subject that it isn’t meant for me as there are wayyy many obstacles and further more I don’t have that much of interest to carry with masters and PhD with physics maths . I couldn’t even figure out which sub field or topic should I choose , furthermore indian colleges aren’t much flexible with giving option to choose sub subject as per our will additional here scope in jobs are so scarce that it scare me alottttt and talking about recognition of work whenever I was asked what do I studied people heard zoology instead of geology. A bachelor degree of science in India is so much shamed that one would never feel happy about it . Adding on studying for 3+ 3 + 4-5 years is something I can’t afford. Going to abroad is no chance due to money and I had only 64% in my bsc. The point that I never gave by best is confused with I’m poor in studies , nothing ever motivated me to continue doing the good work. Consistenty hard work wasn’t part of me. Now , I still want to pursue mbbs but my parents want me to join army nurse as a safe job as I am not studious enough to clear neet with good marks. But I couldn’t stand with settling for less and giving up my dream of doing good and obviously earning well to support my family and build a house . I am not getting that confidence in me that I can clear it thing , as judged by my past result adding on I wouldn’t be allowed for a year gap to prepare I have only 5 months to crack the exam which is next to impossible as world says it . And my mother’s says that there are very many doctors who couldn’t make a life out of that degree in private doctor and I Don’t believe in that stuff. 😭 I want to be happy with my work and surroundings is all I want.