I am feeling very demotivated and depressed with my life I am so fed up of each and everything  I just had a breakup after five and half years, my environment at home is super toxic I am not even getting placed.How to get through so many things at a time 

hey, i don’t care what anybody else says i am very proud of you and to begin with, let’s start with crossing off the smallest of things from the checklist?

Anxiety

I dont know why but somde days or nightsblike these ,i have this deep unsettling pain in chest and feel like crying a lot, cant eat anything. And its mostly on weekends when i have to take a break from my studies. I hate breaks. Everything is fine around me, loving boyfriend,family, etc, sab fine. Still idk why this keeps happening. I feel worthless and scared. 

Hello!
I am SD, I don't want to reveal my real name for now, so, here is my initial.
I found about Now & me from Instagram so am giving it a try.
I am not a good writer, but I have so many things to talk about and I don't have anyone to talk to.
So, here I am.
There are many people out there who are going through depression and anxiety. Maybe there problems are much more important and crucial than mine. Sometimes I feel if I talk about these to someone they would probably take me as whiny baby. That's the major reason I don't speak to people very much about my problems, I am a very good listener though but I kinda stay mute.
Major problems of my life is my past, my parents, my career and my relationship.
I will talk about each of them slowly, I don't want to do it all together orelse am gonna breakdown.
I will write about it later, for now I will leave it here.
Thanks for reading.🙂

Career

There's a horrible feeling in my chest whenever something goes wrong. I always used to keep it in, not telling anyone because I hate showing anyone I'm vulnerable. My mom is supportive but I hate that she has to be strong even if it might devastate her. I feel almost always on edge, stressed, anxious, angry at myself for not being good enough. I always question if I deserve anything or anyone's support. I always compare myself to others, hating on myself. I cry it out and it gets better for a while, but that feeling never goes away. I think I need help, but don't know whats wrong with me. 

Stress

So confused right now ,so much work and I am feeling so lazy no motivation to work I don't feel to do anything. Inside, my heart is crying, mouth is dry and my hands are sweating. I wish I could cry but I couldn't something is choking in my throat, dam nervous.

Life

I feel like ending it all, the other person isn't respecting my limits...!

Frustration

I have become problematic. I am not myself anymore. I am becoming more and more self-loathing and negative. I am becoming a depressed, lonely, and hateful person every day. My toxic traits are: 
My unhealthy relationship with food. I am an emotional eater.
I am insecure about my looks, especially about my smile. I seek validation from others.
I give and use silent treatments as a way of punishing people.
I want others to feel the same pain that I went through. I like to punish people when they do wrong generally as well as with me.
I enjoy being alone in my room. Binge-watching Netflix, checking messages from social media all the time. 
I procrastinate a lot and I am lazy.
I want things to be perfect and according to my plan, I have a sort of OCD.
I don't enjoy working. Although being an excellent student in my school and college days, I am jobless now. I only like eating, sleeping, and watching movies.
I dream big but I don't make it happen.
I act like a victim and think I deserve punishment. I keep my hair short, my nails short and don't apply any makeup on my face, I am always wearing loose pyjamas even when going out.
I have an unhealthy relationship with my family. I don't like my family. My parents used to discriminate between me and my siblings. I was abandoned and made to feel worthless by my parents. We are not in touch now. They have done quite a lot of terrible things to me and I want to punish them myself. I feel like it will give me satisfaction and peace.
I don't like seeing other people enjoying their life. I become jealous of what they have.
I want everyone to like me so I tend to do things to make them like me. Also, I act distant and aloof but Inside I am needy and desperate for love.
I love a person but he does not appreciate me or understand me anymore. He liked an older better version of me. So we fight a lot and I want to keep him in my life but I don't have anything to give to him. I want him to be there for me but he is not capable of handling me or my emotions. He leaves me saying I am too much.
I overthink and overstress myself all the time. I overthink everything. With each and every word people say and even words left unsaid, I overthink them too. I make fake scenarios and indulge in them. I want the life they show in movies, perfect family and love life, but I have neither. 
I don't have one person I can count on. I feel pathetic and sad all the time. 
If you are reading this, please help me. Tell me what Can I do and change my life. I don't want to live like this. 




Depression

I can’t wait to get out of this garbage country and erase my entire existence here forever. I’m dooooooone.

Other

I don't know where to spill out this, but can't hold on anymore.
Sorry, for this negativity, but I don't know what to do about these feelings anymore.



When I think back, I lived my life more in my head than in real life. I always used to think a lot, staying in, saying no to go out with anyone liked to stay alone coz of laziness or insecurity or idk what. Never liked someone to become close to me. Now when I am grown up, I should have a life. It s*cks. It's draining. I am young but tired already, no energy, no excitement. I think, so the depression, anxiety and other mental health problems started. Now when even if people take interest to talk to me or want to know more of me, I feel sorry for them like I don't have a life bro, what do I tell you. 
There is nothing here, I am just existing, lost, s*cking up my life, doing nothing. I was destroying my life since beginning, nobody noticed, maybe noticed but didn't do anthing, now the damage is done, I am grown up (by age). Still I am sabotaging my life, I don't know what to do anymore, everyone is moving forward with their life, and I am still there left behind. Lost interest in life. People say kesi ho rahi h, khush raho beta, kis mai khush rahu me? How do I smile in this? Still have to smile, but no feel from inside. Bored of life, or I am boring idk. I would be happy if I don't have to show my life to anybody, and live alone peacefully, unfortunately, this is antihuman thing. This mind trapped me, I am kidnapped by myself and nobody knows lol.
If you are reading this, I hope it didn't affect you, have a good day or night!!    

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