I am feeling stressed and tired. My twin brother has recently passed away and ever since then anything I do, my family would make a comment about him. It would usually go something like, “you sounded just like him” or “he would of liked that” or “he would have thought that was funny.” At first I didn’t mind the comments because maybe that was their way of grieving. Ever since he passed, my mom has started giving me mean looks whenever i am talking or just existing. She has continuously told how my ex still likes me or tries to bring him up in every conversation. And every time i ask her to stop she gets mad at me and wont talk to me for the rest of the day. This happens almost everyday and sometimes she shakes her head. This may seem insignificant to some, but to my and my messed up mind, its like im always failing everything i do and should not be loved by anyone. This has messed me up a lot and have led to many panic attacks and attempts on my life. However, yesterday was my graduation party and would have been his also. Even through getting ready for my graduation and during graduation, all my family talked about was my brother. I understand it to a point because it was a special day for him, but my family never once spoke my name or about me. I know this is selfish of me and my mind is really beating me up feeling this way, so don’t berate me about being selfish. Anyway, during graduation my parents never took any pictures or said anything to my friends and teachers. I am in the band and during the ceremony we have to get up to play. This made me really emotional as I am leaving my family to start college. As I am coming back to my seat with tears running down my face, my parents turn to me with disgusted looks on their faces and asked me why I was crying and told me that no one really cared that I was leaving. This absolutely broke me. Fast forward to my party, my parents set up a picture next to mine, which was a nice gesture and I absolutely loved it. They constantly talk about my brother and cry, which I don’t mind because I miss him too, but completely ignore me. I am sit in the corner with my friends and only talked to by a couple people. As the party is winding up my parents give me a gift which is a build-a-bear bunny with a button that has my brother laughing. I honestly enjoyed it but it made me slightly uncomfortable. Before everyone left my mom made me release a balloon in my brother’s honor after I told her I was uncomfortable. She yelled at me for being an awful and selfish child, and told me that she wished I died instead of my brother. I know this isn’t technically a rant, but I needed to say it in words before I spiral into another panic attack.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I cannot imagine what you must be going through or how you must be feeling. I am here if you need to talk.
Honestly I don’t what I feeling right now. Deep down I know I had a right to feel uncomfortable, but my mind spirals around the thoughts that it’s just me being selfish. My mom’s actions may be miniscule, but it has pushed me to the point that I have panic attacks everytime I try to talk to my friends about it thinking they’ll get mad at me or be disappointed as well.
Love, trust me, you are not being selfish. No matter who may try to make you feel that way. It does not make you selfish to feel this way. Your feelings are 100 percent valid. In a healthy situation, your parents/family should be allowed to grieve and continue to comfort and love you unconditionally especially since you are very much alive and present, however, they are not only mentally, emotionally and verbally abusing you but they have also completely ignored if not abandoned you.
This should not be. And I am so worried about you because you matter and should not have ever had to worry about nay of this.
Thank you. I have struggled coming onto this site, but is to the point that I am scared for my wellbeing. I have been thinking about self-harm almost every time my mind starts to spiral. I get frustrated at my thoughts but have no one to comfort me. I sincerely thank you for saying my emotions are valid. Even from this statement my mind has eased a little so I have control over my thoughts right now. This helped more than you know
You are very welcome. I am always here if ever you need to talk okay.
I am also sorry that you feel abandoned. There is nothing wrong with how you are feeling so I am not here to berate you. You are not selfish and this does not make you selfish in any way whatsoever. Your family’s reaction and treatment towards you is insincere and unacceptable. Yes, people grieve in different ways but at the same time, you are still there, you are grieving too and you are trying your best. You matter and should not be made to feel like you are the insignificant twin. Your family must be going through their own pain however, it does not excuse their behaviour towards you. This environment is toxic for you and you may need to set some healthy boundaries or remove yourself completely temporarily until they have healed completely.
Thank you. I am moving for college soon, so hopefully I can gain control over my thoughts and better myself during my time away. Hopefully this will give me the strength to believe in my mind what I know deep down. Your words helped me to ease my mind. Even a little bit is a far step for me right now
I wish you well. I am rooting for you. Things will get better. Just keep going.
